Lost...

Journalizing Privately

[deskbutterfly39]

[deskbutterfly39]

Have you ever had a toy that was once brand new, you played with it, it smelled fresh, looked new, clean. Over the years it may have broken a part or two, but you managed to fix it back together. It functions sort of like it used to. But as the years go on the parts do not move as good, if at all. Its color is dull. You can smell its age. You know its time to give it up. The times when you threw it in the back seat of the car during vacation, when you tossed it around in your backpack when you brought it to school. The time when it was thrown in your toy chest with the other toys. The times you lost it under the bed. The time your dog got ahold of it and damaged a piece of it. It’s worn now. It’s tired. It’s phased out.

I am that toy.

[deskbutterfly39]

One word - WOW! I am working myself up to 3 AM now....

[deskbutterfly39]

The truth - People won’t admit this though.

[deskbutterfly39]

I think the most common cause of insomnia is simple... its loneliness

Heath Ledger

[deskbutterfly39]

So much to debrief

I can’t believe its 2 AM and I’ve been posting back to back. I guess I have had much to debrief on and no one to debrief to. It’s always GOD I know, but sometimes...[I drew a blank]

[deskbutterfly39]

Now this was a food for thought. If only...I believed it.

[deskbutterfly39]

Feel like I am going crazy -

[deskbutterfly39]

Maybe...

So the first husband refused to have kids with me (despite having 3 that I accepted), the second husband wants to give me kids but our relationship is becoming strained due to his frequent complaints of what “I did” or what “I said” , coupled with the silent treatments for what he believes I’ve done or said to hurt his feelings or what he didn’t like - and it’s draining me. I hear more of what is wrong than what I do right. He then gets so in his feelings that he displays the don’t care attitude. NOW I AM drifting away. AND despite us trying, still no baby. 

Maybe God is trying to tell me something I am too afraid to hear and to afraid to accept?

I don’t have many years left before the ol’ pause drops at my doorstep. Talk about confused -

Talk about lost -

Can I just make all this go away?

No one to vent to - 

Alone ....

[deskbutterfly39]

Don't expect everyone to understand your journey, especially if they've never had to walk in your path

[deskbutterfly39]

I am trying not too....

[deskbutterfly39]

I am such a fearful person, so to have these types of thoughts, and not knowing what the outcome would be tells me a lot of how I feel about my life...

[deskbutterfly39]

Is this even possible? lol

[deskbutterfly39]

My goodness...this has become heavier on my heart lately.

[deskbutterfly39]

Do I ?

Do I track every time I get the silent treatment or he gets upset at me so that I can trend  and watch for patterns, frequencies to determine the health of this relationship? Because right now, I can’t tell....

[deskbutterfly39]

My biggest and greatest Joy. He’s consistent, he’s loving, he’s innocent.... He fills that big hole in my heart.

[deskbutterfly39]

I’m Just Tired...

Plain and simple. Perhaps I move too fast. Relationships. Careers. I haven’t given myself a break and time to breath. Fear always get the best of me. Fear of not having kids before I hit menopause and having a family of my own. Fear of not being financially secured and going broke. And so I act quickly and jump at the first sign of what “looks good”. “I’ll give you a family”, “I love you”, “I’ll treat you different than your ex.” “It’’’ be $45/hr”, “Yes you can work from home.” And then....my decisions eventually shows its ugly head.