poetic trash

I am a trash can full of the words poets couldn't say and canvases of the artist who didn't get their stars right. All mine, -Ahs

[desktrash]

You have been my only wish for two years.

I wanna be yours always.

Not just right now.

I wish for you on every shooting star.

I wish for you on all the birthday candles.

But when will it ever be forever?

[desktrash]

I carry this girl.

This girl is scared of words,

She just wants to play

This girl hugs everyone because she hasn't met any strangers.

She doesn't understand why people leave.

Its hard for her to understand without a lot of explaining.

They always yell when she doesn't understand.

They don't look for her till she's missing.

she is scared of being forgot about,

I never forget her.

I would be better off without her or to fix her.

To retrain her.

Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna die because of her.

But she's stronger than me.

She survived it all and im just what is left.

I think I have to fix her now.

Or I'll drown.

[desktrash]

Sometimes i listen to the songs she sang fearless in the car.

I am not disturbed by the bad times,

but it is the good ones that shake me

I hate every good day with her.

i am troubled with the fact that she brushed my hair.

i am dishearten with the kind words i remember.

it's what breaks my words when i speak,

it's what creeps my mind.

What if it wasn't real?

Even if it is maybe I deserved it since I got those handful of moments

where she loved me.

The thought of you being gentle to me seems distant in every degree.

I hope one day you'll find me and tell me you bled too,

When reminded of all the days.

Good or bad.

I do truly wish they hurt like mine

[desktrash]

I am suffering.

By the light.

By the people,

By wisdom

I am not in control of the fact my body is blue

I am not in control of these general rules of abuse.

I think the universe is trying to kill me,

The hospital beds are so cold and I can't breathe.

Her face covered in blood still spoke more kindly than my mother.

I'm still picking the metal out of my gut.

I've been wrapping around the thought,

This is the guilt I forgot to feel.

Theres not a part of my body that isn't bruised or scarred.

My veins have been poked so many times this month.

I dream about the needles going in to my veins to feed them blood or to bring me life.

Everytime I blink my eyes I see the lights coming for me.

This is a different kinda trauma than I'm use too.

It's so clear and traumatizing.

It's actually on my arms, legs, chest, stomach and knees.

I've never had it where I couldn't run.

I'm suffocated by my own pain

[desktrash]

She ruined my whole body.

From my mentality to feel any hope or Happiness, to my body that whimpers when people breathe too hard.

I don't know why she brought me here just to ruin me. I don't know why she messaged me last month just to hurt me.

There's a pit in my stomach tonight after getting what I wanted.

That was the one thing I had left that didn't feel like it was destroying me when It felt good.

There's a burning in my pride.

I'll never feel alright

[desktrash]

The set of the mood changed after he playful rubbed her thigh on the side lines of her trying to reach for the counter in a short dress.

He saw the rest of it and lifted the hem up to notice 7 marks of what you could assume was the devil.

He asked if she was alright three or four times.

Each reply with yeah I'm fine with a smile so hollow and guilt ridden.

I felt him craw into bed that night.

He was rubbing the carves

I could feel the energy of grief and fright.

I'm not trying to make him worry.

Just everything doesn't feel just right.

Out of control,

Spiraling.

[desktrash]

Most children are taught to be kind, smart, and have fun.

I was taught: not too be perfect and too keep humble.

To cowar and worry always.

How was i supposed to know what happiness was if I was taught it wasn't real?

I've been always guilted when explaining my feelings and now im suppose to say what's on my mind?

Everyone left and every fucking body.

How am I to know you won't too?

How am I suppose to not bleed when that was the only way I ever felt.

How am I supposed to find happiness when I never felt it before.

How am I supposed to eat when hungry and not when full?

When I was denied or felt guilty while starving or over eating

I don't know how to be me or whoever I am in anymore

[desktrash]

The disgusting truths of my mouth vomit of held guilt i tell you feel hard to withhold but the small speck of dirt that got on your clothes was a secret.

I don't understand why.

I said I wanted to be with you for a long time.

He said it's been 3 months.

Maybe I'm naive but that's how it goes for me

[desktrash]

The way the summer feels on my skin is different this time.

There's no tred to be felt along every sun beam.

There's no blood to see and no screams to scatter.

There's bliss with the waves come and you are holding me.

It's the possibility of if it's meant to be.

I catch you saying you are in love with me.

You don't make my nose bleed.

I can be kinda hollow when the nights weep.

But you fill my sorrows with praise and promise me happy days.

For you I am no longer afraid

[desktrash]

I wish I was allowed to be who I was when I was her.

Do the Kindhearted always get told their hearts aren't good anymore or just me?

I stopped giving my heartbeat to everyone who needed me.

I was scolded and scowled at when I tried to be free and me.

Now I just fear of everything and everyone.

I wanna love you as the old me

So you could have the best parts of what use to be me.

I know you fell in love with this version,

But, you really deserve who I use to be.

I am sorry I let them break me.

I use to love and laugh without a thought,

till he broke me.

Till she broke me.

I really want you forever

but I'm scared of forever.

She told me I would never make to forever

And, he told me I was his forever.

So maybe if I can't fill you with what love i had before I can feel you up with what I have left.

Maybe if it isn't a forever.

We can have a long long time instead

[desktrash]

I don't want you to ever think I need a rebound.

You aren't a filler to sew my wounds.

You are every beautiful moon.

You are every word I wasn't allowed to say.

You are the basket that saves my apples.

I didn't think it be that easy either.

Falling from grace to falling for a monster.

You were the one that stopped my falling.

I saved myself after grace left me scarred and I beat the monster.

You were just the one who taught me how to be sober and love till I couldn't feel it ever being over.

Everytime you kiss my ribs and everytime I can't sleep. I cry because you taught me it is alright

To be loved and to think and dream without a high.

[desktrash]

It's new.

It's scary.

It's exciting

Being broken but feeling warm.

Not knowing if it's gonna hurt.

Or it be the best choice we've made.

Not knowing if it's gonna make or break.

I told you not to feel that way.

But somehow we both do now.

I don't think its a mistake.

You might have not been what I was seeking.

But you really do save me from the bleeding.

I'm gonna do better here.

I'm going to love myself so you can too.

[desktrash]

Unfamiliar.

I didnt think it be you.

To show me what passion felt like.

I realized now after the one night with you that all I've ever felt was just filling a avoid.

You gave ecstasy and listened.

You kissed up my back when I was turned over.

You kissed my ribs like they were divine.

We've talked about how much we weren't fine in past days going by.

We've pretty much been by each other's side since we started to crumble.

I know the way we are isn't associated with love.

But God, do I love the way it felt.

I know she hurt you.

You know he hurt me.

It feels nice to know we aren't bleeding.

Even if it's just for a moment

[desktrash]

I carved "please don't leave" in their backs before they even knew they were gonna leave.

Did I see it coming or did I force it?

will always be the question.

I blocked it through it all

But sometimes when I fall on my pillow and all I hear is the ringing and the people leaving,

If I'm lucky I'll get to sleep.

I'll get to dream a happiness.

a distant land it seems.

[desktrash]

I didn't know it was this bad.

I sat there for over a thousand hours a year pretending I was somewhere else.

I never understood the trauma.

I still don't fully.

Don't be perfect.

But be perfect.

Because in this world it's mandatory to feel burden.

Will I ever get rid of it?

Will it always haunt me?

I don't even live in that world and I still feel the pain.

I feel it in my ribs, is it from the kneeling or the bleeding?

I always get yelled at because I don't know whats real.

[desktrash]

I'm sorry your bones leap out of your chest like a frog.

Black holes carry loads and I know you have a heart of gold even with the holes.

I'd protect you if I could.

Mix the dimensions and make you the adult and pay bills

and I'll take the suffering again for some seasons

Whatever keeps you here

Whatever keeps you safe.

Whatever doesn't make you crave the words that make us insane. I'll do that.

I'll do that for you.

Come to my door at 3am?

You don't realize how long I've been wanting to take you in.

[desktrash]

When he shouts i feel it.

When she would pick God and his men over me. I felt it.

When he would bring other little girls things and forget about me. I felt it

When he didn't believe what I remembered.

I felt it louder.

I wanted so badly to feel like it didn't touch me.

Like the pain never did.

Now I'm running from the pain.

I'm deep breathing the disaster upon us.

I'm a liar cause my brain blocks out our arguments and when I say "I'm sorry" or " I'll learn" and forget I'm just trying to get away from the never end guilt of being sorry.

That's no excuse though.

My blade wasn't dull enough tonight that's why I fell asleep without making up.

I still felt everything and I manage to fail the escape I had been saving.

You don't have to worry I punish myself for hurting you.