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When life closes a door [you, for some stupid reason, cutting your Josefina doll's hair a little so it's not as long and majestic]

somewhere it opens a window [giving you a friend with actual Josefina length and texture hair].

#american girl #american girl dolls #josefina montoya #childhood #inner child #best friends #hair #long hair #post #girlhood

I think it would be sweet to get a locket, and put a photo inside of little me, childhood me or me as a baby so that I could carry my inner child with me and remember to do things for her as I go about my life.

#idea #ideas #inner child #jewelry #nostalgia

The Abysmal Savior—Looking Glass

Not everyone is my friend. Just because someone reaches out towards me does not mean their intentions are to help me. My hope was misplaced in this piece. I don’t remember the details but something or someone caused me to feel this way. This is a lesson learned.

I had a bad habit of projecting friendship onto everyone I vibed with. I always assumed that just because someone seemed nice, that they were nice. And that wasn’t the case.

I’m still adjusting and learning these lessons because these flaws have been in my nature since childhood.

When I was a child, making a friend was as simple as introducing myself and sharing a snack, playing on the playground, or having a sleepover with Barbie dolls in tow. My parents had a huge impact on who I was friends with, and I consider that a good thing. I was surrounded by people I loved who loved me too. It was only when I left home and fell into the wrong crowd that things fell apart.

Discernment is still something that I’m learning now. My inner child still wants to trust every smile. My adult self is wary of everyone and has major trust issues. I’m always at war with myself and it’s exhausting. I don’t know what “trust” means to me yet. It’s more of a feeling I get, this certainty I experience around certain people. But I don’t trust it because I’ve been wrong plenty of times before. I don’t trust my own judgement even though life is not designed to be lived alone. I don’t want to be alone, yet I don’t trust that the people I surround myself with won’t hurt me beyond repair. I don’t fear the pain, I just don’t want to deal with it. I’m too old for high school drama.

I’m learning that protecting my peace, is self-preservation, not paranoia.

#looking glass #the chrysalis cycle #discernment #inner child #trust issues #emotional clarity #friendship lessons #healing journey #self reflection #soft girl mood

I mean, I can hyper-focus on a movie no problem if the movie is good, especially or one I haven’t seen before… I can understand the movie, learn the lessons, and totally immerse myself in that movie; yet I stare at a text message and have to read it 5 times just to make sure I read it right and understand it. Then depending who it is, I can either hyper-focus and respond or I overthink on how to respond. Then there are times I don’t respond at all. I just think, “Oh, I’ll respond to it later,” but I’m AuDHD… later never comes for me. Lol, what is time??? Time doesn’t exist in my world.

Normal people live by the clock. They wake up and do their “9-5” jobs and I just can’t do that. I mean, I often fantasize about being organized like that in my life but then it’s like, “Oh no, I’ll lose my morning coffee time,” which actually means I don’t want to lose my own autonomy. Makes SO MUCH sense now. I finally understand my brain and my needs a little better. The idea of a typical office job, to me, sounds like a prison and the boss is the warden. Lol.

It would make sense too why I was so defensive in school with all my teachers and why I felt they were all against me (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and pervasive drive for autonomy!!). No wonder… I’m almost certain my dad is this way too, but he’ll never accept that label. On Father’s Day, my dad sat outside in the driveway by himself listening to his Yacht Rock mood music while I sat inside with my mom. I mean, whatever… it was “his day,” so if he wanted to be alone with his music then that was his choice. I told myself it’s nothing personal against me. We’ve never been super tight anyway outside of trying to connect over Disney, aliens, and music.

At least I attempt to understand him. My dad never tried to understand me growing up. He just gave me tough love all of my life and made me feel I did nothing right, but it’s highly possible he feels he does nothing right too!!! I guarantee my dad and I are JUST exactly the same. He even says we’re alike to my mom. We’re so much alike yet we show love a little differently is the bigger issue. I wanted him to hug me and say he loves me—it’s what I always wanted—and he awkwardly does it now, but I know his real way of love is actually telling me, “Don’t go home on the highway this late at night in case you break down. Please go up the main road when you drive home and I need you to text me as soon as you make it home safe inside your house with the door locked.”

I mean… if I take too long to text that I made it home, my dad will text or call making sure I’m home. I understand that is love too, but it’s just overprotective love and I don’t want to be treated like a baby. It feels like he wants me to be his “little girl,” forever but I’ve never been a daddy’s girl... okay, if ONLY I could’ve understood myself and my dad when I was in my 20’s. Everything my dad said to me often appeared “hurtful” or “controlling” back then; it was truly out of “tough love” I believe, and yes, he truly was trying to give me his best advice and he thinks he’s doing right by me, but I was just always so sensitive and would push him away and ignore him because I didn’t want his constant “advice.” I wanted patience, understanding, and acceptance. Yet I do understand my dad has more life experience and his advice can be helpful but also dismisses me when he won’t accept my own ideas.

I avoided talking to him and thought my dad was being so critical of me when I bet his “criticism” was truly his love language and he was probably sensitive and defensive too when I went against him. Jeez. We could’ve dodged so many little arguments and I wouldn’t have felt so dismissed and misunderstood. Well, I do forgive him. Clearly, I didn’t understand my own self or how sensitive I was, let alone understand my dad… I’ll work to keep understanding myself and him so we can truly heal our relationship. I’m still not giving up on my dad. I am learning everyday how to accept his version of love, let him show up how he wants to, and I am trying so hard to be a healthier and happier person. I only want the best for everyone I love. 💕✨

Taking life one day at a time. 💫

7-03-26 at 5:31 p.m. - 32 33 49-