I am no longer a child but I still love the same.

I am sacred. This is my poetry.

[desolate-imp]

Loneliness and you.

Loneliness comes in waves. Like a 4 a.m. jolt while I’m laying in bed. My heart hurts because you abandoned me. Because you abandoned me. Because you abandoned me. Because you abandoned me. You and you and you and you and every you is a different person. I’m addressing this poem to everyone who I’ve missed and cried over and cut myself on and vomited my heart in their lap. Loneliness is a constant friend, the twin of mental issues and the younger sibling of chronic illness. How I wish you were here with me now.  Not you, not any of you but the you that’s a concept. The you that doesn’t exist.

[desolate-imp]

A Christmas miracle! Finally something to write about again; finally an urge to open up my skin and watch blood pour out like meat from a sausage casing. No tools to treat my urge; no time til they get up and I must swallow this feeling in exchange for holiday cheer.

[desolate-imp]

In the dog days of summer I am in love and he does not know.

[desolate-imp]

Oh Bipolar Disorder

When I’m up I’m way up. When I’m down, I hit the bottom. A ride of massive emotions, I overflow. I am a gushing fountain. I don’t know how to control myself.

[desolate-imp]

Secrets

I am sad. I feel both an emptiness and an overflowing. I feel hopeless. My brain is fucked up, I unintentionally abuse.  I’ve ruined my own life.  Slicing my skin doesn’t feel the same anymore. I want to hold on, but my grip is slipping.  And I can’t tell anyone.

[desolate-imp]

negative 4 spoons

I am really tired. This really sucks. I’m gonna take a nap on this park bench. Fuck you.

[desolate-imp]

You are a user. You coercive and a predator. You abused me. I can’t say how I feel about you but I will carry out all my teenage fantasies and smash you and leave all your pieces melting in my wake. I am Chernobyl and you are Pripyat.

[desolate-imp]

I don’t wanna date you but I wanna spend time with you. I wanna play dress up with you. I want to be Greg and you to be Rose. I want. Iwantyou.

[desolate-imp]

I'm not poetic, just sad.

[desolate-imp]

forest deer culled by the road  the burden of time  suburban 

[desolate-imp]

I feel like my illness isn't empty, or numb I feel too full overflowing with emotion love terror "I feel nothing at all" means nothing at all.

[desolate-imp]

I want to live in an abandoned house and wear all white so that when I walk around at night I look like the ghost that I am.

[desolate-imp]

I have scratched half the skin off my arms and my knees are scraped and bleeding. Was this really my fault? If you hate me just tell me. I itch both physically and mentally, for you and for answers under my skin. Does the fortune of my future lay beneath my right wrist.

[desolate-imp]

I want to die but I don't wanna die yet I want to leave something memorable. I feel like my trauma's are inadequate  like my PTSD isn't the same because it's my fault it happened in the first place. I want to leave something memorable not just a bee killed by it's own sting.

[desolate-imp]

Shrinking like a dried out apricot I know the meaning of alone I shouldn't trust them He was right I shouldn't try to escape

[desolate-imp]

My fingers twitch and my hands shake and there's bits of lemon rind stuck inbetween my teeth and I still love you and I'm sorry I'm sorry for slitting my simile wrists on your metaphorical doorstep I'm sorry for pouring my heart out through my eyes in the middle of a parking lot and you said "I don't owe you anything"

[desolate-imp]

I can't seem to scrub you out of my skin. Bleach and antibacterial soap don't fade the stain you left on me. You didn't intend to do this but the wire brush doesn't work.