- @desolatedespair-blog - Tumblr Blog

I'm slipping again and I've no idea what to do I have no one to turn to

Don't give up, everyone gets knocked down but you can get back up again. I know it's hard, but you can do this! <3

<3

Please read this, I feel it'll be a great help to a lot of you.

I've spent the last God only knows how many years of my life battling against depression and I call it a battle because that's exactly what it's been. After all these years, it's a battle I'm finally starting to win and I honestly couldn't be happier. I'm not "recovered", nor do I know if I ever truly will be. I still have depression, I still have days where I'm really, really low but I'm learning to live with that; things are getting better. I think better is such a perfect word, as opposed to recovered because "recovered" implies that things are perfect and they aren't and probably never will be, but they're a hell of a lot better than they were and I can live with that.

I had got to one of the lowest points in my life and I honestly didn't think I'd pull through it. Hand on heart, I thought I would either end up dead through suicide/self harm or through just completely giving up. I don't know how, I don't know when but SOMETHING in me found the strength to fight and I'm starting to come out the other side. Having depression (or any other mental illness) doesn't and should never define who you are, it's an illness in its own right and when you hit low points, they're merely part of that illness and so they do not define you either. Just like when someone has a cold, they don't sneeze through choice, but down to the fact that it's part of having a cold - I think depression follows the same sort of analogy and this is something I've been trying to accept.

I've accepted my scars, which was always a big thing for me. I don't cover them up anymore (granted they've faded a lot due to use of creams etc, but they're still visable), but for me this is a major thing. I was a self harmer for 8 years and never once felt confident enough to not cover my scars up, but now I honestly feel comfortable enough in my own skin to just that. Your scars are a part of you, they don't make you an attention seeker or a freak or any of the other pathetic labels people feel the need to attatch to self harm. They're merely a 'side effect', if you like, of your illness and if somebody can't accept that, well then as far as I'm concerned, that's their issue and arrogance they need to contend with.

Hence, I don't use this blog as much as I used to. Two main reasons: it's triggering and I don't feel this need to use it. I did originally intend this post to be somewhat uplifting/hopeful for you all, but I guess it's just turned into me rambling. Stay strong, stay fighting and stay true to yourselves. NEVER loose hope, because I did. I lost hope so many times, but I honestly believe that hope is one of the most important things because hope gives you a reason to fight.

xxxxxx

what's the fucking point. everytime I feel like I'm finally beating this, something fucking knocks me back. I give up.

I could really, really do with someone to talk to right now.

You don't need to cut, your skin is much too beautiful to be kissed by a blade. You are stronger than this <3

This is so lovely, thank you so much. <3

a-bstracto

d-a-r-k-n-i-g-h-t

I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.

It saddens me a little bit that I'll never have a clean arm/thigh

#personal