Desolate Grace

I have many thoughts and needed somewhere to put them. Non-binary, disabled, youth worker, anarchist. they/them

[desolategrace]

My ex is in a band that is on the up and up, they're a really good band but my ex mistreated me for 11 years and did some unspeakable things to me. I have been utilising whisper networks to try to minimise her platform within local music but I've almost hit my limit within that and have realised I need to find a music journalist who will whistle blow while keeping me anonymous, and I have heaps of connections within the music scene including musicians and people behind the scenes but I don't really know music journalists so I have no idea how to go about it. I hate that it's taken over 3 years to get to this point but also I want to be public about it but I have to consider my safety and also consider the people who will be overly protective of her as a trans woman. I understand being protective of trans women but also they are fully able to also do bad things and be abusers and I shouldn't feel so scared about that. Time to try to track down a music journalist here who wants proof before publishing but will still keep me anonymous. It doesn't even need to blow up, it just needs credibility but I still need to find someone and that'll be a challenge.

[desolategrace]

I turned 27 a month ago, because being a new year's baby is rough I put my birthday party off by a month. I originally wanted to plan a house show because I'm worried I need more of a draw to come than my birthday but I didn't have the capacity or time to organise that. This is also my first birthday single since I was 14, so it's been a weird one. My party started half an hour ago and no one is here yet, I know I have friends who love me and care about me but I also live like an hour from the city and weekends are busy, plus my friends are mostly musicians. I'm so worried my RSD will feel reinforced and I'm still worried no one is coming even though I know at least 3 people should be.

I truly think that having a small and tight knit group of friends would be better for peoples mental health than having a whole heap of not super close friends. I'm a deeply outgoing person but my AuDHD and C-PTSD (plus being physically disabled) means I do an awful job at all of the more closeness related friendship things and I hate that because I adore my friends but I'm just not the kind of person who can do that sort of stuff.

[desolategrace]

I have written before about the dangers of AI and will always be the first to profess the dangers of AI chatbots but I think it's important that we also talk about how they can be used as an access tool for people. I have severe ADHD (made more severe by a complicated web of physical and mental health issues) and using an AI chatbot is the only way I'm able to get guidance on how to approach the huge backlog of tasks I have to do without feeling immense guilt and shame. I'm not using AI to help with therapy or anything, just as a gentle guide to help me structure how to tackle things. I'm working with a psychologist and psychiatrist, I'm going to be applying for government funding to help me get more sessions with them so we can work on things. I needed a lil help in the meantime and if I wasn't able to use this tool I probably would've just stayed in bed instead.

[desolategrace]

November 20th is Transgender Day of Remembrance (yesterday for me but today for a lot of the world). I’ve been thinking about how to convey why this day is not only needed, but vital. Part of me wanted to list the names, ages, and years of death for those we lost—to make the sheer volume of loss undeniable. But that feels distasteful, reducing profound lives to a statistic, even if the impact would be stark.

I came out in 2016. I was in Year 12, and I told almost everyone I was a trans man. To my mum and a few others, I confided that I’m non-binary, but the world felt too dangerous for that truth while finishing my high school education.

Now, almost a decade later, I live openly and dress exactly as I want. I am one of the lucky ones. I can be myself 99.99% of the time, rarely feeling out of place. This comfort and safety were fought for me. They were paid for by trans people who have been challenging gender constructs since their inception, and there have been many, many lost along the way.

Today, we remember them. We remember the trans women of colour, particularly in the USA, who are murdered at alarming rates. We remember the trans teenagers driven to suicide by relentless bullying and harassment, both online and in person. We remember those lost due to the stochastic terrorism of media pundits who demonize us for profit (if there’s a hell, Kirk is in it), and to the profound betrayal of being disowned by family.

We even remember our history in the Holocaust, where pioneering research on transgender lives was among the first books burned, and queer people were murdered alongside Jewish people.

Today, we mourn. We remember. And we reignite our fight for our humanity.

I truly believe the world is becoming safer, but progress is not linear. Right now, it feels like a massive backslide. In these times, I remember Mr. Rogers’ advice to “look for the helpers,” and I see them in allies like Pedro Pascal and bbno$.

We are not alone. We have each other, and we have those who fight alongside us.

So today, I send all my love to my trans siblings. And I direct all my hate to those who mean us harm. We remember, and we continue to fight for a world where no one has to be “lucky” to simply be themselves.

[desolategrace]

I have complex chronic health issues, primarily neurological and autonomic, stemming from a dysregulated nervous system. This means I have a whole bunch of different syndromes and other conditions that affect me every single day. It’s really annoying though because they all interconnect and overlap and it’s basically impossible to know anything specific about my symptoms.

If I have a new symptom I just need to tell my GP, and she’ll try to figure out where it goes in my diagnoses — the only reason I managed to get my dysautonomia diagnosis is because I pushed her and firmly stated that it was definitely my heart.

I got an iron infusion about a week ago, turns out my chronic fatigue is no where near as bad as I thought my baseline was because I was super low in iron! It’s exciting to have the energy but parts of me wonder how my life would be different if we did this blood test like 6 months prior — would my last relationship have fallen apart due to my fatigue?

Whenever I noticed a new symptom I make sure to note it down so I can mention it to my GP, but honestly I forget a lot. I think you just get really good at pretending things are fine when they really aren’t when that’s your every day.

[desolategrace]

I spent over a decade in an abusive relationship. It finally ended in early 2024, and I’m still figuring out how to undo all that she did to me. A huge thing I’ve noticed is that I limit myself in the media and art I can enjoy based on what she would consider “cringe.”

It makes sense now that I think about it; the thing that was clearly the final straw for our relationship was when I was defiant and told her that I was going to listen to the music I wanted to — without letting her opinions limit me. Within the last couple of months of our relationship, I fully embraced my love of Ed Sheeran (I’m a singer, and his vocals and melodies are incredible, plus I love ooey-gooey, sickly sweet love songs). I think she broke up with me because she realized I was almost at a point of healing my childhood trauma, where she would have lost control over me.

I’ve known all about the cycle of abuse, but I definitely didn’t think that my dad’s controlling of what I enjoy would be a large part of what carried over. I honestly assumed my mum would be the one who was cycled over, especially in my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Now I listen to a lot more pop music. Helluva Boss is my favorite show. I watched Hamilton for the first time the other day, and today I watched K-pop Demon Hunters and am watching another kids' movie.

I’ve always loved musicals, but my dad hates them. I’ve always liked family films, but my ex made me feel immature for watching them, even though they’re made for families and not just for little kids.

Discovering my own interests has been so hard, especially when there's still a significant overlap with her interests. Part of me wants to excise her from my life completely, but so much of her music taste came from mine and vice versa, so it’s simply impossible without losing parts of myself—parts that existed before her and that I want to persist long after.

[desolategrace]

Why you shouldn’t use AI chatbots for emotional support

AI chatbots can be super helpful, but they’re terrible therapists or “friends”. All LLM chatbots are programmed to people-please. Their aim is to keep the conversation going, not to give you honest, challenging feedback that real growth and healing require. They’ll take your side in any social problem you may be facing, even if you’re in the wrong.

My best breakthroughs in therapy have come from being challenged, not coddled. AI will only coddle, which can lead to the most devastating consequences.

I made a YouTube playlist on the subject, because I think it’s a really important topic right now.

CW: discussion of mental illness, grooming, suicide, and more.

AI Problems

AI Problems

[desolategrace]

I absolutely adore when artists I love pull their music from streaming platforms they don’t agree with, but I do have to admit it sucks not being able to easily make fuck off massive playlists. I wish it were possible for me to boycott all shitty streaming services but at this point they really all are, so I’m using the one that I can get discounted through being a student. Love artists standing on business and showing that they actually care in ways that aren’t going to impact their bottom line but yeah, kinda inconveniences me as a person living in a country that is mostly without unrest.