It’s been a little over five years since I have been involved with DaSade. My Daddy, my Master, my Owner. Four years ago, he asked me for three things that I thought I was bringing to the relationship by being in it.
I said, “My youth. Lots of sex. My rockin’ bod.”
He laughed and said that was very much NOT what he kept me around for, and that I’d find out why over time. Periodically he teased me about it.
As the years passed, I felt myself getting older. I gained weight.
I had one thing left, and that was sex.
DaSade and I have always had a CNC based relationship. He could do things to me that I didn’t want and it worked really well for us. Especially with sex. For four years, I had a lot of sex that I didn’t want, but that made it AWESOME. I LOVE rape play. It was a defining factor of him and I getting together in the first place.
When NRE trickled out and medication started killing my libido, it started to drop off. I realized that I was freezing up and panicking if things were getting more sexual or rapey than I wanted or could handle, probably due to a past negative encounter with someone. Sometimes that meant when he got on top of me. Sometimes that was just a grope.
It’s been challenging and stressful as sex dropped from many times a week, to a few times a month… Once a month… Less. We’ve both been frustrated and disappointed. At the crux of it all was the knowledge that he COULD force me to at any time, but generally was choosing not to, especially realizing that there were some emotional issues to work through.
No more youth. No more rockin’ bod. No more sex.
He finally talked to me the other night.
He reminded me of what I said about the three things I brought to the relationship. I realized that I had been scared. So scared that I had nothing left, even though I knew that those weren’t real.
He told me he was never going to let me go.
He told me that we were going to stop the part of our D/s where I don’t have a say in when we fuck.
I cried. It’s been four years since I could say no to sex. I can’t describe how that becomes a part of your life… How you don’t know anything else, any other way. I lived it for so long, and we were going to let it go. Something I took so much pride in as a part of my 24/7 D/s with him. Something that I loved.
“At least for now,” he reminded me. “And I still own your ass. You still serve me whether you like it or not. I’m never letting you go. I want this to work.”
At the same time it felt like a weight was lifted from my chest, and I knew we were doing something right.
He said, “Do you want to know the things I think you bring to this relationship?”
“How your touch feels. How much you love my hugs. The way you feel in my lap. The way you love my scent.”
He went on and on and I hugged him tight.
I can say no to sex. I can say no to sex.
I’m going to have to relearn what that’s like.
We cuddled and we talked and we watched stupid videos together.
Then I turned to him and for the first time in a long time I said, with a shaky little smile, “Do you want to have sex?”
Spoiler alert: It was awesome.
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