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Hold...?

Let me say this once.

I love you. so much that I would do everything for you.

Somehow that love is not enough for you to feel the same towards me.

All your mistakes I’m ready to forgive them just say the magic word that you will change.

Come back to me before I let go :(

#austin

My Definition of Love

What is love? Do I really need to know what love is to be in love? Have I ever been in love?

I did once searched for love at a young age of 12, when I was in Grade 6, because of peer pressure.

I had a thing with this sophomore named Kurt.

I thought I loved him but Love is not an easy thing to say when you are not sure what it is.

I never said I loved him and he never said it also.

The love I thought I was in, with Kurt, is really an infatuation. Where in I was in a state of being interested in someone that it gave me butterflies in my stomach and gave me a thrill of excitement as I get to know him better.

We were a thing for a couple of weeks until I heard he was also having a fling with my friend. So yeah that’s how we ended.

Fast forward to my first boyfriend. Jace, I thought we were forever. He was kind, good looking and also smart. He was the MVP player of a basketball team and girls were jealous of me.

Somehow he was too clingy.

He wanted me to come with him everywhere he goes.

To the bathroom

To the school canteen,

During his practice and,

Even in his house.

He wanted to be with me 24/7 and it was too suffocating.

I didn’t want to hurt him so the worst thing I had to do was to cheat on him. I entertained one of my suitors and I asked Jace for a cool off.

In that cool off I was happy to be entertained by Cruz until I heard Jace was getting back with his ex Rica and I was shocked.

I stopped flirting with Cruz wanting Jace back but somehow he said He still loves Rica.

I let him be.

How is it easy for him to say he still loves her? Did he still love her while we were together and we just needed a cool off for him to know that he is STILL in love with her?

So what was I in our relationship?

They are still a thing until now.

Stay strong you guys, happy 3rd anniversary.

I wasn’t sure if I was infatuated or in love with Jace but somehow I eventually moved on and got another boy.

T.M. wasn’t that handsome or good at sports but gaahd help me. He was so freaking good in Math that it made me Idolized him.

We became official in September and we ended in January where we had a fight and cooled off.

In that cool off,

I forbid myself in entertaining any suitors.

I forbid myself looking for another boy

I forbid myself talking to another boy

because I was soo attracted with T.M. that I thought he was the one for me.

Somehow prom came we haven’t made up and I just got news that he asked my best friend to the prom.

I was broken hearted for the first time.

I never knew they were talking to each other while we were in a cool off.

They went to prom and I was alone but fortunately I moved on.

Moved to a new school, a new hair and a new name.

I was now Caroline.

I told myself I wouldn’t get a new boy but fuck my physical needs got me a new boy in just a month.

He was Ron.

Ron was confused about his feelings but somehow he was the first guy that I got physically attached with.

He was the first guy that I got intimate with.

I’ll leave the imagination with you guys.

Our love that is not enough that made us give up on each other.

Our relationship was too toxic.

Loving him is sickening.

A shitty thing called love that broke me in pieces cause it hurt me too much.

It damaged me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Ron made me feel disgusted with my body.

I never wanted to face another boy again knowing what Ron and I did.

I am stuck with this thought of marrying Ron or no one else.

I don’t want any boy look at my body except Ron.

I can’t forgive myself for letting a boy touch my body if he will not be my husband.

Is this the thing called love?

The love that makes me fight?

Is this even love or lust?

It is still confusing for me because it could be a responsibility or pride.

Love is something that isn’t real for me.

I have never been in love but I have been infatuated, attracted, idolized and lusted.

I don’t want to be in love with anybody else but I want to try being in love with Ron, not lust, not infatuation, not attraction and not idolization.

I want to find the real love that I am looking for.

Even though It will hurt and break me more if I continue this but my definition of love is pain.

The more pain you feel the more you love.

#fuckfeelings

Staying

Fuck. I don’t know if it was a smart or a dumb move to let go.

Right now I miss you.

It’s 5am in the morning and I miss you.

I miss our hugs.

I miss our kisses.

I miss you.

I miss your arms.

You don’t know how much I wanted to kiss you when we went for a walk.

You don’t know how much it hurts right now that I can’t call you mine again.

You don’t know how much it kills me to talk to you as a friend.

When my feelings are still more than that.

I hate myself for listening to my peers saying to leave you when I alone was fighting for you.

I hate myself for not staying even though I promised.

I hate myself for getting tired even though I promised not to.

I hate myself for believing i can live without you.

Please let me call you mine once again and I’ll never leave you.

This time I PROMISE.

Ulan ng Pag-ibig

Mahal kita hindi noon hindi ngayon.

Mahal kita dahil ang pagmamahal ko ay hindi naging panahon

Ang mala-ulan nating pagibig na lumalakas, humihina at nawawala.

Ang mala-ulan nating pagibig na nagpapasaya at nagpapalungkot ng iba.

Ang mala-ulan nating pagibig na sa ngayon ay wala na.

Mahal kita, mahal kita. Nakakasawang sabihin ngayong may mahal ka nang iba.

Mahal kita, mahal kita. Patawad kung ako’y nahuli na.

Mahal kita katulad ng ulan na biglang dumarating at magtatagal sa iyong tabi.

Mahal kita katulad ng ulan na lumalakas kahit may dulot itong lamig.

Mahal kita katulad ng ulan na humihina at nagiiwan ng gulo sa aking paligid.

Mahal kita katulad ng ulan na biglang nawawala at nangiiwan magisa.

Mahal kita ngunit ngayon ay wala na.

Restarting Again

Here I am falling one more time.

Losing all hope.

Never again will I look back.

Let me fall alone one last time and I’ll never go back.

My heartbeat

Fuck me I know.

He who has hurt me.

He who has loved another in a relationship.

He who has never changed.

He who sat beside me.

And I who felt my heart skip a beat.

And I who is still fucking in love in him :3

What now?

Fuck. I do. I want you back.

Fuck you. why now? why now, when I just started to move on.

Fuck me. why do I want you back? Back the way we are before.

Gaaash this is so wrong. I’m still in love with you Austin -_-

But I will continue to move on T,T

Flirt

Derwenth

You said it from the start you’re a flirt.

Let’s stop this cause I’m wasting my time.

Sorry

Terrified

I can’t understand my feelings.

I still do love you but I’m scared to be hurt again.

One month? ONE MONTH tapos saka ka magsasabi niyan.

Stop no more Micca.

Just Stop

FUCK

You fucking douchebag.

Naalala mo pa ba yung mga “I love you till the rain stops and when the rain stops I still love you”?

Siguro sa kanya mo na sinasabi yun.

Naalala mo pa ba yung mga “You are my one and only, I’m your one and only” natin dalawa?

Siguro kayo na yun noh.

Siguro sa simula pa lang para sa inyo naman talaga yun at hindi naging para sa akin.

Sa simula pa lang hindi para sa akin ang pagmamahal mo pero ang masaklap hindi naman tunay na pagmamahal ang binigay mo.

Tama na nga

Letting go

I saw you smiling.

I heard you still love your ex.

It was confirmed that you never loved me.

I admit it hurt. It fucking hurt me knowing you don’t care.

I admit it made me cry knowing you’re okay after our break up.

It broke me knowing you walked her home the day I called our relationship off.

Today I’m letting you go even though I know it hurts.

I’ll stop stalking and I’ll stop caring.

I’ll stop holding on.

I’m letting you go.

#movingon #letting go

You

You who I love so much but I let go.

I’m sorry I didn’t tried my best.

I’m sorry I told you I love you but somehow I felt numb.

I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you to move on from your past.

I’m sorry for everything. Returning the things you gave me, I’m sorry.

But most of all. I’m sorry for myself.

I just don’t deserve you. You who can’t move on and love me fully. You who doesn’t fix our fight and talks to your ex. You who can’t keep a promise. You who leaves me all the time.

I’m not sorry for being mad and silent for the stupid things you did that hurt me. I’m sorry if I hurt you but somehow this is the best way.

I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough.

To my You, Austin, I loved you and still do but not like the first day I saw you.

I love you I do but I need to move on.

When we were together, all those times of talking to Pat that broke me into pieces.

The time when we broke up and right after you walked Pat home.

I won’t say fuck you. I won’t say I hate you. I’ll say I can’t forgive you.

I can’t forgive you for not loving me back the way I did for you.

I can’t forgive you for using me as a tool to make Pat jealous.

I can’t forgive you for hurting me but somehow I need to move on.

I’m sorry for not forgiving you.

I need time to heal. I need more time for myself and with no other guys.

I don’t need a Wilson, a Jc or a Timothy to move on.

Enough boys.

I’ll move on by myself.

Last na Austin. Minahal mo ba talaga ako more than you love Pat?

#teendrama broken relationship

Twitter

Ahhh. bakit di mo mapalitan header mo?

Pinapaasa mo ko.. Ito naman ako umaasang hindi mo na papalitan pero alam kong darating yung point na papalitan mo rin.

Bakit mahilig kayo magpatagal ng isang bagay na gagawin mo naman?

Gawin mo na ngayong kaya ko pa. please Austin. Please :(

To my ex

Do you even care that we broke up?

Do you care if I say “I still love you”?

Do you care if I cry tonight because of you?

Do you still care for me?

I do.

I fucking care for you but you don’t.

FUCK YOU.

Last Time...

For the last time let me cry.

For the last time let me love you.

For the last time I want to feel your lips.

For the last time I want your hug.

For the last time call my name.

For the last time kiss me behind the tree, on the overpass and in school.

For the last time bring me chocolates.

For the last time... fight for me again and make time last Forever.

Moving On.

5 am in the morning. Stalking you is the most shitty thing I’m doing.

Moving on from the harsh memories of kissing you.

I love you, I do. I still do but how can you move on so quickly?

Flash. That’s what you are.

A minute of happiness, that’s what you give and a long lasting heartache.

I fucking love you but now I got to move on. Bye.

Moving on

So here is to my ex who fucking admitted he still loves his ex. -_-

FUCK YOU.

the end

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