I pulled the trigger and ended up back in his bed again. Back in the cycle that began over ten years ago. Every time I go back after a long hiatus I feel like I can be the cool girl, the one that's not gonna give a flying fuck-- I do have horrendous committment issues from my divorce as it is, I should be fine in a non-commital situation. The longevity and familiarity of it all is creeping in on me. This time over three years passed since I last touched him. We kept in touch here and there, entertaining the idea of getting together, but our paths never crossed. November 2024 he messaged me to set a boundary, he was in a relationship, I'd never been on this side of things and didn't really know what to feel. I couldn't be mad, we were nothing, but something inside me was seething. Over time I forgot about him entirely, wrapped up in all the responsibilities of reality-- single mom, full-time job, full-time undergrad program, once he popped back up on my phone screen I thought if I could forget about him for almost a year I could be ~casual~ now... I think I was wrong.
Thursday night, I was out of the house for work late and figured I could make a pitstop before heading home to bed. I sent the text. Immediate response. "Definitely, maybe". From him that's a hell yeah. I rushed to get finished at work, got caught up almost two hours longer than I expected, yet he was still waiting. I left work assuming that once I texted him to see if he was still up that I would get no reply and head straight home to bed. I was pleasantly surprised and he told me to come over, he was ready. Something shifted, suddenly I wasn't tired anymore, the same feeling I had as a 19 year old washed over my 30 year old self. I was excited and felt a sense of giddiness that came from the anticipation of the last three years of raunchy texts finally coming to life like before. I was already questioning if this was a good idea... if I don't care then why do I feel like this? Oh well, I have needs too, I'm doing this for me. I couldn't keep thinking about it, I never do this, it was my idea. He's waiting, he's ready. Get in the car.
I get to his house and suddenly the 3 years that have passed feel like 3 days. It's too comfortable. This is why I keep going back. Suddenly every insecurity I have about my body is what he's gravitating toward, what he's grabbing onto, what he's kissing. I start realizing that even after all this time he remembers every little thing I like, I don't have to say anything or remind him. We do what we do, then some time for pillowtalk, I tell him I need to go since it's already after 1AM and he walks me out to my car. See you soon? Yeah, maybe. (That "maybe always means yes.) Every time is the same, except I forgot what comes after.
Back in our teens, our twenties, acting like a dipshit was expected. Of course every year that passes feels like a year where that should dissipate, but for some that isn't the case. For over ten years I keep finding myself tripping over this man, getting caught up in his humor, his quirks, carefree attitude, and then the bullshit "3-day rule" comes back to haunt me. I give in and he gives...nothing. Radio silence for 3 days. I feel crazy, I start to feel like maybe I hate myself because I keep ending up in this cycle. We were 19 and 23. Now we're 30 and 34 and it's still happening. Every time is the same, except now we're older and only one of us is growing up.
Nothing went wrong, we did what we came to do. We talked a bit. This time it almost felt too comfortable. There wasn't really catching up to do. We chatted about a family friend we'd lost, he was closer to him and I could tell that with the funeral the next morning that his head was elsewhere. We talked about work and bullshit like usual. If anything he made me feel good, not bad or insecure in any way. He is something of a safe space for me, since he was my first everything... from a kiss to everything that comes after. After all this time though there is something that doesn't sit right with me. We should be friends at the very least, but I don't think either of us would say that. We're both comfortable, but there's a wall that's always up. Over the years we've both dealt with the other one at extreme lows and highs, but we keep coming together. I can't figure out why neither one of us will let this go. This is the first time I've felt like maybe it's time to consider leaving this in the past. If its going to be comfortable physically, but in a weird place otherwise, I can't go on like this.
Today I feel sick. I shouldn't feel like a 19 year old trying to send the right words in a text or questioning if I'm going to come across crazy, needy, or obsessed. We've known each other so long this feels like torture or some kind of sick game. I feel like I have no idea what he thinks about any of this. All I know is that for me being with him feels like some kind of drug that I can't stop. If the opportunity arises, I'm chasing the high and I can't come down.
