Determination, @determinationandcourage - Tumblr Blog

What are some important life lessons you learned this year?

2015 was the best year of my life, and I’ve been hungover lying in bed all day reevaluating my life and tumblr is where all my dark honesty comes out soooo here it goes…

2015 was the year that changed everything

I stopped letting anxiety and fear control me; I lost all my cares. On one hand it opened the door to so many experiences that I would’ve shied away from in the past but it also got me in a lot of trouble. A little trouble never hurt nobody tho right? Until putting yourself in sketchy situations starts affecting the safety of the people you love…

I lost what was left of my innocence, I loved the new dangerous me, it made me feel powerful. I loved my sexual side that had been suppressed inside of me, for 21 years of my life, by the good, christian girl. Being a sexual deviant was fun, it was intoxicating being able to control men and use them for my pleasure. But it was also overpowering; you can’t just give yourself to boys like that and not find some kind of feelings in all the madness. I broke hearts of many, but a few boys left me feeling powerless to their touch, and I hated that feeling more than anything.

I complained about only meeting fuckboys all year, but I realized you attract who you are and I was no better than all the fuckboys out there. I played all the games in the book, I wanted to be loved, but it also terrified the living shit out of me, so, I ran from anyone that was genuinely a nice guy right back into the arms of the scummiest men on this planet because they were fun…

I experimented with drugs more than ever. At first, I loved the highs, they made me feel things, I loved the memories I made with people while we were all on another level. I never bought drugs but I always had them handed to me, and at first I thought it was cool. Any party I would go people would just hand me drugs like they were candy. I didn’t even want them half the time, I would reach into my pocket and just hand my friends drugs because I never paid for them. Who let me think strangers always giving you drugs is cool?? That was my own problem, that people saw me and their first thought was that this girl looks like a fun girl to do drugs with. When did I become the girl that people started to text for drugs when I was sitting at church on Sunday morning with my family?

I met a lot more people, I became a social butterfly, I talked to everyone and was open to making friends with everyone. What could be wrong with that? Like I said, I was open to friendships with everyone and it brought amazing people into my life but it also brought degenerates. I had acquaintances in high and low places, and my friends in low places brought me down. I tried my best to see the good in everyone, but if everyone tells you someone is a terrible human being and to stay away from them and everyone in their lives, you better believe them, or else you just look like a blind fool. You become who you associate with and seeing the good in everyone literally just made me a lot of acquaintances I did not want to keep, people that were doing nothing with their lives, and me, I’m a young, intelligent women at UCLA who has places to go, things to do in my life that does not have time for low lifes to hold me back.

I was over being a ray of fucking sunshine and embraced the dark in me, and I loved hiding my feelings. It made me feel cool, I was cool, I gave off all the right vibes around people but that was never me. I have a big heart, I care so much, I feel for everything, I’m a deep thinker, an avid daydreamer, and I thought becoming an ice queen was beneficial and it definitely was but it is ok to be warm and feel the warmth.

I made my motto in life to try everything at least once, and regret nothing, just learn from your mistakes. And let me tell you it led to the best experiences of my life but also just the deepest darkest holes, but I loved that. I lived for feeling the floor because it felt like the only thing that allowed me to grow, to learn, to develop character, to become who I am today. It was important for me to make my own decisions and if I fucked up, I fucked up. But that’s the beauty of life you can fuck up and the world doesn’t end and you’re more powerful than ever. I started using everything as a learning experience, some things I still don’t know what I’ve learned from and some mistakes I will willingly repeat over and over again but that’s for me to figure out and no one else to tell me what to do. Always do what you want at the end of the day even if it causes smoke, because people are made from the fire.

I dated a lot of guys for the experience, It was fun, I had no desire to pursue a future relationship with the majority of them, but it helped me learn a lot about myself. I held boys at my fingertips but the ones I always wanted seemed somehow out of reach. I let the fuckboys get to me, and it’s hard putting your past in the past, but I don’t have time for that anymore. I don’t have time to waste on them, it’s all fun and games but at the end of the day I don’t care for hookups and dates I just want one person to be with. That’s when you know you’re getting too old for this shit.

I’ve been a good girl my whole life, but this year I loved being bad. The good was always there but the bad seemed to over power it. I was always looking for a fun time, to go out, to dance the night away. But I also realized that while being bad was fun, being good to the people I care about was the most amazing thing ever. I really learned to love, care, and listen to my family, and if I didn’t surround myself with shitty people I wouldn’t have seen the actual good, amazing, christian people showed me how powerful, positive, and uplifting good people doing good can be.

I went to bed later than ever, hell I didn’t go to bed until 8am today, staying up late just became the new normal. But why was I out so late always?? I love being home, I love my bed, why was I doing coke lines and rolling balls at 4am a lot of mornings to live life. I can feel a million things after a good night’s sleep and a cup of coffee in the morning than anything else.

I really stopped taking school, my education, my future so seriously. It was the biggest burden lifted off my shoulders ever. I gave school minimum effort and my GPA suffered but my sanity did not. It was amazing to not stress out and spend sleepless nights studying and worrying. Everything always works out in the end, it always does, you just have to let it. Enjoy living in the moment, and the future will take care of itself. I don’t know what lies ahead after I graduate college this year with my shitty GPA, but whatever it will be it will be amazing, and my GPA will not matter. I stopped asking for advice,and did what I want. It sounds selfish and stupid but it was amazing just to live your own life. To stop comparing yourself to others. To stop letting other people tell you what was going to make you happy and what they think you should do with your life. This is my life and no one else’s.

I became brutally honest, there’s no reason to sugar coat anything in life. Some people said I was being bitchy and blunt but my mom told me every day that it was my favorite quality in me because she always knew my honest opinion. Honesty is refreshing, I’m still learning when to censor some thoughts, but honesty is always the best policy.

2015 changed everything for me but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I needed this year, I needed a year to go wild, to go insane, to lose my mind, to feel things I’ve never felt before. Life is weird and amazing and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Some things I’m not proud of but you learn baby, you learn~

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deeplifequotes

I’ve been a paperboy, a stripper, a paralegal and barista. At one point I even worked a graveyard shift at a gas station inside a bullet-proof booth, and I’ve made sandwiches at Subway for minimum wage. I’ve managed executive offices from art galleries to software development companies, and prepared burritos at Whole Foods and rotisserie chickens at Costco. I was a photographer for 13 years, a bus-boy at The Cheesecake Factory for three minutes (shortest job I’ve ever had), and spent countless hours in numerous kitchens feeding the hungry. I drafted multi-billion dollar contracts at prestigious law firms for ten years, and made smoothies at Jamba Juice for two. From publishing a book, to cleaning bathrooms or mopping floors, NONE of the things I have done DEFINE me. Does that make sense? Do you see what I mean? What and who I am has absolutely nothing to do with what I have done when I was younger, nor what I’m currently doing. Who I am is not defined by how much or how little money I have, the clothes I wear, or the vehicle I drive wherever I live. I don’t identify myself by those things, which is good because they’re all so temporary.. lol… those aren’t even all the jobs I’ve had (and I’m only 36).. It’s important to have an identity that surpasses a job title on a business card, or a status deemed by the bank or society. What I am, regardless of those things, is an instrument of peace. That is my mission, my purpose.. my Ikigai! If we bring integrity to whatever we do in the world, then we are being of service to others whether we wash dishes in the back of a restaurant, perform complex brain surgeries, manage thousands of employees, drive a bus, fight fires, or raise children at home. Life is not a hierarchy, it’s a celebration! And love is not a word, it’s an invitation. So strive to love who you are. No. Matter. What.

Timber Hawkeye (via deeplifequotes)

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You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Dr. Seuss (via lifeofquotations)

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The Paradoxical CommandmentsPeople are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.Love them anyway.If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.Do good anyway.If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.Succeed anyway.The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.Do good anyway.Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.Be honest and frank anyway.The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.Think big anyway.People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.Fight for a few underdogs anyway.What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.Build anyway.People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.Help people anyway.Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.Give the world the best you have anyway.

Kent M. Keith (via lifeofquotations)

lifeofquotations

This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soulmate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

Marilyn Monroe (via lifeofquotations)

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R.I.P. Barbara Park, author of the beloved “Junie B. Jones” books. Park has passed away at 66 after a long battle with ovarian cancer. With irreverent, slangy titles such as “Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus” or “Junie B., First Grader: Cheater Pants,” the six-year-old’s adventures are instantly relatable to kids, and became classics for all of us who grew up with them.

Park lives on through the “Junie B. Jones” books–all of which you can buy here–and in the series’ interactive website.