Hellbent On Heaven @dethr0n-ed - Tumblr Blog

Through it. Over it.

I feel like I’ve been going through it my entire life. I want to be happy one day. I want to feel bliss. I want to feel comfort outside of my bed.

I long for death but cannot muster up the courage to be the reason for anyones trauma when I live in constant resentment from the trauma I personally possess. I don’t want you to ache like I ache, but I want to ache away from you.

It was recently my 27th birthday. My family chose one day to not scream all day long. We watched the home video of my birth. So much effort went into my birth. So many smiles were in the delivery room. I wish they would have known that I’d be in a hospital bed again later down the line trying to fix the mess that they created. That mess is me. But I am selfish. I am selfish for trying to counteract the effort that was put into giving me life. I am selfish for keeping people awake at night when I need them to tell me they want me around. I am selfish for trying to leave this place.

We had a party for my birthday and so many people came to celebrate. I didn’t think that many people cared. I didn’t know that many people could even possibly miss me if I left. I don’t want them to ache. I don’t want you to miss me. When I dream of leaving I dream of things being better for everyone. I dream of not being a burden on anyone. I dream of leaving you all alone to be happy. Happy has yet to be in my own plan. Happiness may not ever find me. I could leave you all. I could run away and find a hotel far away. I could change my name and forget my plans. I could leave this place for good. My head spins and thinks about who would find me. Who would be looking for me anyways?

I made a safety plan, but it doesn’t make me feel safe.

I am alone.

#aches and pains

aloneandforsakenbyfateandbyman

From The Story of a Tattooed Girl by Cindy Ray, 1966

wizardsisananimal

i drew this for you i’ve been thinking about wizards nonstop ever since i found your blog thank you

RARE FOUR LEGGED WIZARD

crimesandcuriosities

Pictured above are just some of Richard Ramirez’s female admirers, who would turn up to his trial and sit through court proceedings. Pictured bottom, Ramirez - more notoriously known as the "Night Stalker" - is shown waving to his 'groupies'. Some of the women photographed were interviewed outside the courtroom and admitted they found him "cute", and also claimed he was "a nice guy" despite the horrific nature of his crimes. Following a serial killing spree that terrified the state of California between 1984 and 1985, Ramirez was eventually convicted in 1989 of 13 murders, 5 attempted murders, 11 sexual assaults, and 14 burglaries. The woman pictured bottom left is Doreen Lioy, who Ramirez went on to marry in 1996 while imprisoned on San Quentin State Prison's death row in California. However, she divorced him in 2009 after DNA testing proved Ramirez was responsible for the 1984 rape and murder of a 9 year old girl named Mei Leung. In June 2013, Richard Ramirez died of cancer at 53 years old, therefore escaping the death penalty.

konstantin-somov

Harlequin and Death, 1907, Konstantin Somov

Medium: gouache,watercolor,paper

minotauri

“humanity is inherently selfish and bad” bbbrrrghuhjfkg. humanity is seeing a stranger’s grocery bag break open on the sidewalk and harvesting fruits and veggies from the branch-like cracks of the asphalt for them, just because you can. humanity is helping a lost child find their mother on a crowded beach, looking for the ladybug-patterned parasol with their hummingbird-small hand in yours. it’s an elder’s fingers wrapped around your arm as you help them up the stairs because the elevator is broken, and feeling like you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, like this is what you would’ve been doing had you been alive centuries or even millennia ago. there will always be a heavily pregnant woman who will smile at you when you give up your seat, a nice blind man in the fruit aisle who will ask you to please pick the riper plantain for him, a tired cashier whose face will light up when you compliment their tattoo sleeve. humanity is connection