The Complete Summation of David O. Ammentorp’s First Week at the Hazelden-Betty Ford Treatment Center, Sponsored By Mort’s Tastymint Gum®.
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David O. Ammentorp (abbv. Dave henceforth) was caught in a conundrum (after his father Matt and brother John had left him) of relative complexity in that his bathroom, which had to be unlocked from the inside, was locked without anyone inside.
However, the astute young Dave had a solution, and sought out for a member of maintenance to get the door unlocked. Astute, that is, but not before trying to unlock the bathroom himself, first using one paperclip, then two paperclips. Fellow Hazelden occupant T.J.² observed this jimmying attempt (that is, to jimmy with the hopes of unlocking the door), and agreed the two paperclips would not be sufficient.
Which brings us back to the use of the word “astute” (which Dave was). Once they discovered the paperclip-paperclip-lock combo was not going to succeed, Dave and T.J. ventured off for assistance. After not finding anyone available in their unit, an adventure to the med center was ordered, where they found the helpful Alycia³. Oh, Alycia!
Almost instantly this Lilliputian damsel of gypsum colored skin and flaxen blonde hair vexed Dave, her looks both familiar yet exotic, traditional yet unique, like she was an albino peacock (fig.1) waiting for the right moment to display her plumage.
(fig.1) Alycia and friend in public setting.
Idolatry was not going to unlock the bathroom door, though. Shaking the vex, Dave and T.J. employed Alycia (the aforementioned human-albino-peacock of exceptional plumage) to the task. At once she summoned a maintenance man, and he was quick to decipher the lock’s inner secrets. The crisis, which was not so much a crisis in the “Apartheid of South Africa”4 sense but still one that needed to be resolved in a timely fashion, was resolved. And soon after, Alycia was back at her station, and Dave was alone, until of course his meds are needed, in which case he will get to encounter his petite enchantress several times a day.5
This tale of danger, excitement, and sudden lust was sponsored by Ben’s Better Butter Batter™: Bake Better Bread By Ben’s Better Butter Batter.
Time went by, zigging and zagging through the overcast sky like a mishandled firecracker. Dave grew older and wiser, becoming twice the man he was on Monday. Data, stories, philosophies, words of wisdom, and all other sorts of information were stuffed into his head, rapidly inflating it like a prized pig on anabolic steroids.6
Friday was the first day Dave managed to get a brisk constitutional outside on one of Hazelden’s many scenic trails. The weather was lovely, cheerful, practically picturesque (This description is sponsored by KODAK ©: Remember Everyone And Everything You Love After They Die With KODAK.). Indeed, Dave reported his physical, mental, and intellectual health are in considerably improved conditions, far greater than they were when he arrived that fateful Monday morning. His spiritual health, however, is still hopelessly out of whack, as he continues to be a dirty filthy atheist.7
Back to the running. The course traveled through forest, and swamp, and prairie, and road (watch out for the road, fella), and a small bridge. He stopped on the bridge and leaned against the bridge to reflect, both on the surface of the bubbling creek below and in his mind. There have been many things he has messed up over the years, but getting into rehab was not among them. In fact, from deep inside his skeleton bones he could feel the sea of change shifting, it’s proverbial lunar pull bringing the shore back from the brink. Really there was quite a lot to be happy about, with treatment being one of them. And as he looked down at the creek and pondered his admittedly lazy sea metaphor, he wondered if he was ready to swim.
I have immersed myself into David Foster Wallace’s encyclopedic novel Infinite Jest, methodically transferring each printed sheet of pressed cellulose pulp from the Not Read pile to the Read pile, translating each stamped word in my mind until almost complete comprehension. Each page was transferred by way of flip, executed with a simple series of hand movements established by civilization since the first Indian sutras were copied onto palm leaves (c. First Century B.C.) Anyway, this entry (addendum and all) are inspired by said novel.
Full name withheld to protect the innocent.
Alycia is actually pronounced A-lih-sha, and not A-lee-cee-a.a
The Apartheid of South Africa was a system of radical segregation enforced via government legislation via the National Party (NP).
I do not condone the act of over-medication for the sake of seeing another person, regardless of their theoretical plumage.
I do, however, condone the use of anabolic steroids.
Atheism has been linked, but is not limited to, Cannibalism, Highway Robbery, Morals of Ill-Repute, Morals of No-Repute, Seasickness, Nausea, Avian Flu, Edward Snowden, Gang Warfare, Muscular Dystrophy, Slight Discomfort, Broken Glass, Sad Animals, and The Apartheid of South Africa.
a. Further investigation revealed Alycia in fact currently has a boyfriend. So... yeah.
