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@detrans-thoughts
Am I the only detrans woman who used to be convinced I was only going to be happy as a gay man?
I see a lot of discussion on lesbian detrans women and pressures of homophobia but I am generally curious if there are any other straight detrans women who experienced a similar thought process as I did...
I'm bi, but with a strong preference for men! Used to think I'd only be able to relate to men as a man? Many thoughts around literally all of this haha. Happy to chat!
laser hair removal
I jumped ship from electrolysis to laser hair removal for my facial hair. so happy with the decision. had my first appointment almost two weeks ago and have my next app in another two weeks.
it was a lot more painful than electrolysis, but it only took about 10 minutes and the difference is already very obvious. I used to have to shave every day and by evening I’d have a shadow of facial hair. at the moment, I’m shaving every second day with shadow sort of appearing on the second evening. :)
not sure why I didn’t seriously consider laser when I started because it is SO MUCH faster than electrolysis (:
Bone density
Not that I’m on top of the ~detransitioning discourse~ but as I haven’t seen anyone talking about bone density as a concern for detransitioners, I thought I’d just throw this out into the world as its own post.
I’ve recently started thinking about my bone density as a possible site of concern. I suspect that I am going to encounter issues with bone density as I age.
Going on T increases your bone density, but when you stop, your bones are less dense than they would have been had you not gone on T (at least - this is my understanding of it). As I also had a restrictive eating disorder for many years, my bone density was already not great.
As far as I’m aware, the only real thing to do about this now is to be active and eat well.
I have nothing much to say about this, but for any of my followers who have gone on and off T (this includes cycling on and off it!) - please be aware that this is something to keep in mind and to try to keep on top of.
Over two years off T
Not much to update on as things have truly settled in terms of body changes. The only changes likely now are the ones I intentionally bring about.
Facial hair
I suspect I would be read as female 90% of the time if not for my facial hair. It’s unfortunate, but I still need to shave every day and even then, I have a shadow. I think I’m going to switch to laser hair removal instead of electrolysis. I know the latter is more effective in the long-term, but I’m so bad at regularly making and going to appointments, that the shorter-term fix of laser might be the better route for now.
Voice
I do nothing in this regard; I've watched a few voice training videos but just lack discipline. I’m trying to work on this. My voice doesn’t bother me, really - and people say it’s not really masc - but it’s still not where I’d like it. I have to do intermittent public speaking (and I sometimes give lectures and teach), so it’d be nice if I could feel more confident about it. I’ve thought about seeing a speech pathologist for a few sessions... but it’s expensive and not a priority so.
Breasts
I don’t mind my chest; but I have no relationship with it. I miss my breasts. I still don’t know what to do about this. I was lucky to retain sensation after top-surgery; and I don’t know how I feel about getting implants and potentially risking losing that.
Misc
Everything else has settled. My body fat has completely redistributed; including my face. My period is regular. My libido is where it was pre-T.
I don’t know if there’s anything anyone could’ve said to me 5 years ago to make me believe I would one day sit in a bathtub to calmly take in the curves and hair of my body without judgment; that I would one day masturbate to the thought of my pleasure and my pleasure only and feel no shame; that I would one day look at my vaginal discharge and be happy to know my vagina was working healthily again. the little things that once felt impossible. I don’t know what I’d say to my younger self, but I keep trying to find words she’d understand.
not because I regret my transition. not because it was a life-ruining mistake. not because I turned myself into a monster. not because I’m a horror story to conservatives and an insignificant oddity to trans communities.
transitioning was making one decision after another after another after another–some I would change, some I would not. so no, I do not wish I could find the words that would’ve stopped me, because it was never about one singular decision in the first place.
I just wish I had words that would make her understand she’s not wrong for being. for existing. that she’ll never find what she’s looking for if she only looks at her imagined future self. that she will only gain strength from learning who she is as she is. that she’s allowed to fuck up, and that it doesn’t matter if her mistakes are irreversible, because she’s allowed to build new paths towards the future regardless of which ones she’s burnt.
and that womanhood can hold every future she could ever envision for herself if she’ll allow it.
detransition survey
Hi all! I am very interested in detransition rates in the trans community not accurately documented by organizations. So, I’m conducting a survey! The link below is safe and leads to a google form that collects optional data based on your responses. I greatly appreciate your shares and participation!
link here
This survey is open to people of all political opinions and genders, any response helps!
Bodies change :)
I am coming to realise that we never realise a final form and that our bodies are always changing. I turned 30 earlier this year and physically aging is a thing. I knew throughout my 20s that the norms of attractiveness that I was centring and striving towards were sexist, ableist, colonialist and racist (etc.) - but I didn’t truly integrate those critiques into how I valued myself. My body-focus has shifted from my early 20s when I, sadly, was most concerned with how attractive I was to others; now, my focus is on having a kind relationship with my body and appreciating the many uses I have for it. I run, cycle, rock climb, hike and have a bunch of great sex. In the past, I ran but only cared about how many calories I burnt; I climbed, but never too much because I didn’t want to bulk up. Now, I run in beautiful places and don’t think about calories, and I climb whenever I want to because it’s fun. I also plan to have a child or two in a few years, and I know my body will change again in massive ways throughout that process.
Embracing change and not hyper-surveilling my own body have enabled me to relax and enjoy my life. Worrying always about how attractive I was to others (especially men) took up so much of my time and energy. What a waste. Divorcing my sense of self-worth from physical attractiveness has been so liberating - I’ve got so much more time to be in the world and to direct my energies to things that bring true joy and fulfilment.
Approx 21 months off T - a little update
I’m no longer sure how I get read - it seems highly variable, so I don’t put a lot of thought into it because I am working on having a relationship with my body that isn’t fixated on other people’s perceptions.
That said, in the interests of trying to paint a more complete picture of what possibilities there are or can be post-detransition, I will just say:
I think I generally occupy a very androgynous space and give off a very femme-androgynous vibe.
It’s actually quite funny catching men checking me out and their growing confusion as they can’t quite confidently assign me a gender lmao.
I also think more queer women are checking me out - and this is something my fiance has noticed too.
Tbh, my fiance is always shocked when someone reads me as a man at this point so idk.
I continue to really slowly get electrolysis done on my face. I probably have an appointment once every 6-8 weeks. I should get it done more regularly just so I don’t have to shave every day, but I find it inconvenient because it eats up a whole weekend day for me. (It doesn’t have to - I just don’t like going out afterwards.)
On that note, I continue to shave every day. I still have ... like extremely fast growing facial hair. If I shave in the morning, I have slight stubble in the evening.
My body fat has basically completely redistributed - including my face.
My menstrual cycle is regular (I do have a hormonal IUD so this is based on non-bleeding-related symptoms).
I am growing out my hair for the first time in my life. It is nice, but also holy shit longer hair is hard to care for and manage?!
My voice continues to be low-key distressing and is probably my biggest regret. The feeling that there’s not really anything I can do about makes me quite sad.
I think that’s about it! There aren’t really any new changes at this point beyond those which I’m enacting myself (i.e. electrolysis).
“I’m happier being detransitioned, but saying that people detransition because they’re “not happy” with transition is disingenuous. The truth is that a lot of women don’t feel like they have options. There isn’t a whole lot of place in society for women who look like this, women who don’t fit, who don’t comply. When you go to a therapist and tell them you have those kinds of feelings, they don’t tell you that it’s okay to be butch, to be gender nonconforming, to not like men, to not like the way men treat you. They don’t tell you there are other women who feel like they don’t belong, that they don’t feel like they know how to be women. They don’t tell you any of that. They tell you about testosterone.”
— Cari Stella, @guideonragingstars, Response to Julia Serano: Detransition, Desistance, and Disinformation
i do wonder if there are any detransitioned womens support or groups or meetups or something in Australia. just to meet like minded individuals who understand i guess. i still attend my local trans-masc group but I’m starting to realize that like…..that isnt my space anymore. and im afraid of opening up there anymore.
Hi! I'm from Aus (Sydney) if you ever want to drop me a line or chat :). I don't know of any groups, but I do know that there are a few of us in some of the general detransition facebook communities.
What detransitioned Women actually want:
Study into the safest way to stop T.
Clothes that fit.
People believing the first answer when we get asked about pronouns. Not being singled out of groups as The Gendered One and asked over and over.
Better peer support networks. Therapy or whatever, but having access to the stories of people who have been in your shoes and what worked for them has been the most helpful in my life-planning
The Trans community to be a safe place. As with any minority of people being hurt by society, the community can become a haven for people escaping rejection and taking out all their bad coping mechanisms on each other.
Universal Health Care. Free therapy. Free surgery. Free recovery. Free meds. Free ambulances. Free and accessible and for everybody.
Student Loan Forgiveness
8. Studies into the long-term effects of T on overall health (both for those who stay on it, and those who stop taking it). 9. Expanding on #6: Accessible diagnostics, information, and helpful guidance/therapy for autism spectrum disorders. 10. Studies on the correlation between GNC women, female transitioners/detransitioners, and ASD. Increased visibility of GNC autistic women. 11. Improved and accessible healthcare for women in pain from endometriosis, PCOS, etc. A prioritization of her health and suffering over her ability to pop out babies. 12. As a part of making informed consent actually informed: up front acknowledgment that there can be many root causes of the discomfort someone is trying to alleviate by transitioning. Not gatekeeping, but literally just saying something would be better than the nothing I got. “Issues that come up for those who transition, also often come up for autistic women and women who are traumatized from abusive homes [etc and so on, I’m sure the list could be quite long]. We won’t stop you from transitioning in any way, but if you want to look into these topics before continuing, here are specific medical resources and support groups that you can easily access.” I want comprehensive healthcare, not just a single fast-track into medical transition.
Audre Lorde who once described herself as a “black lesbian feminist mother warrior poet” has been an inspiration to many. She often spoke out against sexism, racism, homophobia, classism, ageism, and any other injustice she saw, and tried to encourage others to do the same. She once said: “Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society’s definition of acceptable women; those of us who have been forged in the crucibles of difference – those of us who are poor, who are lesbians, who are Black, who are older – know that survival is not an academic skill. It is learning how to take our differences and make them strengths. For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support.”
any detransitioned women have experience with beard/hair removal?
hey so i am really put off by my facial hair and i’m looking into electrolysis. i have a lot of complicated reasons for wanting this and for feeling ashamed about it, but i’ll spare you all that.
i’m just looking to see if there are any detransitioned women out there with experience trying electrolysis or laser hair removal and if you’d be willing to chat about it via message? even better if you live in nyc and could recommend a place/practitioner.
i’m also reallllllly open to other hair removal tips because it is not good for my skin to shave everyday, but seeing facial hair is rough.
thanks, y’all.
I’m currently getting electrolysis. Happy to chat! (I’m in Australia though.)
What is electrolysis like?
Not as painful as I thought it would be (it's not pleasant though). And also, slow going.
Thanks to everyone who has offered support re that person who reblogged my post about grief post- mastectomy.
Just flagging that I'm not gonna be engaging with that person anymore, despite them continuing to reblog my posts with their vile outlook. I'm at a place where their hate doesn't affect me at all. I hope everyone who has the misfortune of reading their diatribes is in - or can get to - a similar place.
Love and solidarity xx
Starting to get ready and excited for summer but my excitement for the joys of swimming is being tempered somewhat by the weird feelings I have about my chest post-mastectomy. I have no problem being naked in front of my partners or people I’m having sex with but, for some reason, swimwear is giving me all sorts of feels. I don’t hate my flat chest - but, I miss my breasts. They were so cute! I feel odd grief about their loss.
I am just trying to remind myself that I don’t have to look like anyone else but me. And right now, this is how I look.
If anyone has any similar feels/grief around their chest - please feel free to get in touch!
I’m a detrans woman who’s post top surgery as well, and I grieve my chest a lot. I want to get back into swimming as well (indoors though), but that doesn’t seem to be possible for me to manage at this point. I tried it once and was just like “nope” about it all. So that will have to wait for me.
I don’t care what others think I “should” look like as a woman, like I’m not bothered by having facial hair, a deep voice, etc. But I feel different about my chest, and it doesn’t have anything to do with other people. Like something’s actually missing there and it hurts, mentally. Also when I’m alone, actually that’s when it’s the worst. I struggle with it in sexual situations, a lot.
I bought breast forms (silicone prosthetics) that I wear in mastectomy bras and that gives me a lot of comfort about my chest. I never want to take them off. I avoid looking at and touching my bare chest, except from when I wash and/or shave it.
It doesn’t look “bad” at all, so it’s not that. I just really miss having breasts and feel “wrong” without a pair. Cause like they used to be a part of me. I allow myself to mourn that loss, and look forward to getting breast reconstruction surgery.
thank you so much for sharing. I’ve found it really hard to process grief in relation to my body in this way, so it’s really helpful to me to get to read about other people’s experiences. Re swimming - I’ve been thinking about getting waterproof/swimming breast forms - is that something you’ve looked into that might help with the swimming situation?
God. You selfish cunts. Do you have any idea how much I’d kill for Top Surgery? Instead you fucking idiots are sitting here complaining about having it. I hope you rot in hell
@needhelpacking99 you’ve commented on like four posts on my blog saying some variation of the above and shitting on detransitioned people (mainly women) sharing our experiences.
I’m choosing to respond to this post specifically to say just this: I spent years (aged 16 to 25) binding and wanting top surgery. I suffered through summers in some of the warmest parts of Australia. I would have killed for top surgery. I was happy with my chest for years. And yet - here I am, 5 years later, processing grief.
I have no interest in being a cautionary tale or dissuading others from exercising autonomy over their bodies. There is very likely nothing that anyone could have said or done that would have changed any of my decisions around medical transition, and I doubt that me sharing my experiences and trying to find and build community with others, is going to alter anyone else’s decision.
All I know is that when I woke in the middle of the night 3 years ago and realised that if I could go back I would choose differently, my immediate instinct was come on tumblr and search a bunch of tags looking for anyone who might be feeling the same.
If you can read my OP as me simply ‘complaining’ you are a deeply unempathetic person and I am sorry that you are so angry. If you are in pain, I truly hope it passes.
Wow, this was something to stumble across. I hope it’s alright that I respond to this too cause it appears I was aimed at here as well? I get comments like that one on youtube for speaking out about my detransition there too, in random comment sections, so I’m not entirely new to getting that kind of reaction. But it still makes my stomach turn.
But really all I can think is: I wish I could give my top surgery result to that person, or anyone who wants it. I’d trade with their breasts. I’d donate my beard if I could too. Cause I got bothered by that too later on.
I also got my top surgery about 5 years ago now. I used to keep “forgetting” to celebrate its anniversaries, but always kept track of the exact date. It sucks to grieve, I’ve never felt such emotional pain before. I dunno about you, but I think that’s an absolutely legit reason to complain about it. And of course we should get to have support online too.
I could have killed for top surgery too, back in the day. I almost did, actually. Myself, of course. I spent 5 years binding and 14-ish years hating my chest prior (from age 10 when they grew). I’m pretty sure I dented my ribs and got permanent breathing issues from all that binding, cause wearing bras now makes it worse again. I suspect it’s something like weakened chest wall muscles, perhaps. Strangely I actually seem to have some kind of phantom boob sensations connected to my grief. It’s a very sad and panicky feeling. Like sometimes I somehow manage to forget I don’t have them anymore and reach for them but then panic when I feel it’s flat. Usually happens at night when like half-asleep-half-awake. Then I remember my reality and get really sad. I basically stopped having sex with people cause I can’t handle my chest feelings. It’s clawing at me a lot.
Sometimes I get all sorts of sad, angry and dysphoric feelings hearing about/seeing people get top surgery like my mind goes: “no, why’d you do that? I’d kill to have boobs again” but it’s just an emotional reaction.
It felt like a never-ending hell pre-op. And now regretting it feels like facing the rear end of hell. So, rotting in hell? Yeah I already am, but I don’t intend to stick around in it for too long.
Oh and btw, to get back to you on the thing about swimming: I looked into it but kinda keep holding off on it cause ugh… it’s so expensive! I could get a pair of breast forms for swimming and a swimsuit with pockets to hold them in place (wouldn’t wanna lose them in the pool, right?) for around 200 euro/dollars altogether. Not sure what’s your currency in Australia. But I feel like I need to be sure before pissing off that much money on… swim gear. Maybe I should try yoga instead.
@ryptoll totally ok for you to respond as well! I'm sorry that person's vitriol landed on your dash though...
It sucks that you're still having to deal with and process your grief around medical transition. I hope you can find some strategies or interventions that help! I don't have any strategies to share because my main one has been to just avoid thinking about it tbh.
Shit is expensive which is brutal to confront ☹️. And that's a lot to spend on exercise gear. I'm pretty time-poor so I haven't looked into it, but I wonder if there are any DIY options? But also - yoga is great and can be free 👌🏼👌🏼!
Starting to get ready and excited for summer but my excitement for the joys of swimming is being tempered somewhat by the weird feelings I have about my chest post-mastectomy. I have no problem being naked in front of my partners or people I’m having sex with but, for some reason, swimwear is giving me all sorts of feels. I don’t hate my flat chest - but, I miss my breasts. They were so cute! I feel odd grief about their loss.
I am just trying to remind myself that I don’t have to look like anyone else but me. And right now, this is how I look.
If anyone has any similar feels/grief around their chest - please feel free to get in touch!
I’m a detrans woman who’s post top surgery as well, and I grieve my chest a lot. I want to get back into swimming as well (indoors though), but that doesn’t seem to be possible for me to manage at this point. I tried it once and was just like “nope” about it all. So that will have to wait for me.
I don’t care what others think I “should” look like as a woman, like I’m not bothered by having facial hair, a deep voice, etc. But I feel different about my chest, and it doesn’t have anything to do with other people. Like something’s actually missing there and it hurts, mentally. Also when I’m alone, actually that’s when it’s the worst. I struggle with it in sexual situations, a lot.
I bought breast forms (silicone prosthetics) that I wear in mastectomy bras and that gives me a lot of comfort about my chest. I never want to take them off. I avoid looking at and touching my bare chest, except from when I wash and/or shave it.
It doesn’t look “bad” at all, so it’s not that. I just really miss having breasts and feel “wrong” without a pair. Cause like they used to be a part of me. I allow myself to mourn that loss, and look forward to getting breast reconstruction surgery.
thank you so much for sharing. I’ve found it really hard to process grief in relation to my body in this way, so it’s really helpful to me to get to read about other people’s experiences. Re swimming - I’ve been thinking about getting waterproof/swimming breast forms - is that something you’ve looked into that might help with the swimming situation?
God. You selfish cunts. Do you have any idea how much I’d kill for Top Surgery? Instead you fucking idiots are sitting here complaining about having it. I hope you rot in hell
@needhelpacking99 you’ve commented on like four posts on my blog saying some variation of the above and shitting on detransitioned people (mainly women) sharing our experiences.
I’m choosing to respond to this post specifically to say just this: I spent years (aged 16 to 25) binding and wanting top surgery. I suffered through summers in some of the warmest parts of Australia. I would have killed for top surgery. I was happy with my chest for years. And yet - here I am, 5 years later, processing grief.
I have no interest in being a cautionary tale or dissuading others from exercising autonomy over their bodies. There is very likely nothing that anyone could have said or done that would have changed any of my decisions around medical transition, and I doubt that me sharing my experiences and trying to find and build community with others, is going to alter anyone else’s decision.
All I know is that when I woke in the middle of the night 3 years ago and realised that if I could go back I would choose differently, my immediate instinct was come on tumblr and search a bunch of tags looking for anyone who might be feeling the same.
If you can read my OP as me simply ‘complaining’ you are a deeply unempathetic person and I am sorry that you are so angry. If you are in pain, I truly hope it passes.
Anyone else taking space up in the world as an unusual woman
