Just returned from a pretty wild trip to Madison. I got to spend 3 evenings with baby jeaquín and Kelly and I looked at family photos and on the second night we watched home video.
Kelly helped me process some things from my upbringing that I've hung onto for a long time. All of these memories have gendery feels and have surfaced over the years as I've unpacked the subconscious and conscious desire to express myself in gender nonconforming and feminine ways.
First my mom really wanted a daughter and my brothers wanted me to be their sister.
When I was in preschool I was friends with the neighbor girl. My brothers were friends with her older brothers. When I got to kindergarten, and got on the bus, I sat with her because we were friends. Other kids on the bus bullied me and told me that she was my girlfriend. My mom helped me come up with a response for the next time it happened, which was to let them know she was my friend who is a girl... (But this highlights the transphobic nature of heteronormativity)
Similar time period, was when the kids coming into kindergarten had a 'meet the teacher day' and one of the teachers told me that sheep aren't purple and scolded me for coloring sheep purple(my favorite color) on a coloring page. ( The other teacher, who knew my parents, witnessed this and took me into her class for the following year 💞)
There is a very cute photo of me in a little tiny flower-girl dress. I think the neighbors of one of my friends was babysitting me and they got me dressed up with lipstick. In the photo I look pretty happy, while my brother puts bunny ears up behind me. The whole thing feels representative of the spectacle that feminity was culturally for me. I don't think it took much coaxing to get me to put the dress on. I think I was thirsty for feminine influence. But someone thought it was a remarkable moment worth capturing, and there is obvious humor involved.
There was a neighbor girl who lived up the hill from me and once while I was over there the older kids got her to bend over and told me to kiss her butt. Bizzare... and another example of my older peers forcing me into romantic/sexual/inappropriate and importantly: non-platonic relationships with my same-aged neighborhood girls who were the closest and easiest access I had to feminine influence and the experiences of being raised as a girl. There are photos of me and this girl dancing together at a school event before we were in kindergarten. I look thrilled to be dancing with her. I remember into middle school feeling weird when I saw her because I had kissed her butt.
I vividly remember my mom convincing me to stop wearing tall socks, and telling me that my brothers friend, who was a boy, loves ankle height socks. The embodied felt-sense memory of this moment is having the autonomy to freely express myself stripped from me. Not sure tall socks are explicitly gendered but I remember feeling like I couldn't wear what I wanted to wear.
There's a whole photo album labeled, 'spunki's buzz'. While my mom was out of town my dad buzzed my brother and I's hair. I have a lot of curiosity about this moment and how much was your pressure and how much was genuine desire. I recall later in my youth wanting to grow my hair out long and not being allowed to.
