>ENTER NAME:

Your name is LUDWIG. You also happen to be the ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION of GERMANY. For some reason, you've taken up reading HOMESTUCK. You also have a fond INTEREST in things like DOGS, BAKING, BEER, ORDERING OTHERS AROUND, and READING MANY A SELF HELP BOOK. Also ITALIANS named FELICIANO VARGAS, but that's debatable. If anyone needs to straighten up, you’re the man to help them or your name isn’t Ludwig Beilschmidt.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

Name the most useful self help book you have ever owned.

That's a difficult one, honestly. 

I wouldn't say it was any of the ones involving romance, considering as much as I hate to admit, you can't really learn about romance from a book. It does, however, give you tools to work with when it comes to problem solving in your relationship, so there's that. 

Personally, my favorites tend to be the ones that involve looking at your personality and finding the cause of different aspects of yourself. Finding reason for behavior or picking apart pieces of the psyche. The cogs that turn the clocks. That sort of thing. 

But, er. In terms of personal usefulness, it would have to be the ones I've read about expressing your emotions and...not bottling things up.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

LUDWIG IS BACK ALRIGHT [backstreet boys playing loudly in the distance]

I would think I'd at least deserve Justin Timberlake.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

YOU HAVE RETURNED TO US

I do have a tendency of keeping my promises, even if I have a habit of forgetting.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

HEY DEUTSCHBALLS

Is that all I am to you. 

[deutschreadshomestuck]

"Strictly business", huh?

You and I both know what happens the moment I start being personal about Feliciano and I.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

so you're answering questions...........what is your favorite a) cookie b) dog breed c) book and d) movie

You're asking someone who didn't know his favorite color until someone asked.

Shortbread cookies, generally. They're plain, and can be eaten with most things. Easy to make, not too sweet. Though Pfeffernüsse are good as well, just a bit more taxing on the tongue.

You're asking me to pick a favorite child. I can't. Even if I were to say one of the German breeds, I have three at home. They'd hold it against me for a month. (Though I will say I've never gotten along with poodles.)

Grimm's Fairy Tales. Never does get old, somehow. 

I'm not one for watching movies, honestly. I can't tell you the last one I've seen. And most popular German films on the English side of things are generally war related, if not simply 1940's based...And dog movies are always ridiculously sad. Why is that. 

[deutschreadshomestuck]

sooo how's feliciano?

He's doing just fine. Still Feliciano. 

I feel like he would have more to say if you had asked him about me, but there's not really much to report that isn't strictly business...

[deutschreadshomestuck]

you're back.......you're bacK.............YOU'RE BACK [celebration]

Only took centuries, I know.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

*SEDUCTIVE WELCOME-BACK KISS*

Why does it always come back to this. If it's not asterisks, it's tildes. 

[deutschreadshomestuck]

Excuse me sir but if Wizarding Germany was a thing would that be your job or Prussia's? (And of course it is a thing but Statute of Secrecy it's ok we understand)

If Arthur Kirkland is on my ass later for this--

Sans being a personification of state, you mean? I would assume I'd be in some sort of diplomacy position, honestly. Considering I'm a link between the country and the population already, it would be an easy fit. Wizard law might also be worth doing.

Gilbert would do something heroic and dangerous, of course. Auror, maybe. Get his ear blown off and walk around claiming to finally be a saint.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

An Italian, a Greek, and a Portuguese man can't go to a bar because it's foreclosed. (Hello and welcome back sir!)

Ouch.

An Italian, a Greek, and a Portuguese man walk into a bar made entirely of old Deutsch Marks. 

(I do appreciate the sir.)

[deutschreadshomestuck]

hhhhhhhh you're back yoU'RE BACK I MISSED YOU *BREATHES HEAVILY*

I will never understand the heavy breathing. I'd ask you all to refrain, but I think we all know there's been worse.

But, thank you. I missed this as well.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

The EU Crisis does terrible things to a person.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

once upon a time prussia and germany were sitting at home. prussia started making weird noises but he always did that so germany didn't look. when he eventually looked prussia had turned into a child. revenge for gil having to look after kid ludwig tWICE.

What do you mean "twice". Gilbert didn't look after me the first time.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

so im reading sdr2 and theres this one dude who sounds eerily similar to you and this dude likes to talk about his poop a lot. i was just wondering if you had any of your own comments you wanted to share on the subject of pooping

PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

Feliciano: "Hey, that sounds like Holy Rome."

I'm in a state of uncertainty on whether or not I should be offended.

[deutschreadshomestuck]

I don't want to compare Feliciano and I to Jake and Dirk.