sorrrrrrrr

I actually don't have a single clue on wht I'm doing here.

[devgelicca]

I wrote you a note, loving and somber

My pen glided on the smooth surface, retelling the event of your joy and laughter,

How I've loved you before, how deeply I wanted you to be mine,

And I've seen how you see me, the twinkle in your eyes that I love and prided myself in so much for being the reasons why,

How it dulled with times, how it perish with all your slowly turn steady, how it no longer goes erratic like how both of our heartbeat is,

How it matches your now detached glance.

What a shame,

I am now just like a dog who's leash now dragging behind, the hand that hold it before now had pulled away in disgust.

I wrote you a note, my paper stained with tears, messing the writing up, making it unintelligible to read as I sob and wrote my final full stop.

[devgelicca]

I want to throw up,

A bouquet of flowers,

And the shards that's stuck amongst it,

Weaved through my lungs and veins,

So that it won't hurt anymore when I speak.

[devgelicca]

Sometimes I wonder how can my father not feel guilty over making me cry for the first time after so long not doing so.

I wonder where he find the push to still yell and curse at me when I was already trying to understand and forgive him.

[devgelicca]

I've been burrowing in this past self of mine, wearing it's rotting skin to hide from the fact that I am no longer that version of me. Like a wolf in a sheep clothing, hoping that one day I'll be pure again and free from the sins that I have committed. To be given retribution, to be salvage from the mess of what I've become because I can't bear to live with the knowledge that I am no longer what I believe I am

[devgelicca]

oldest child pt.2

As the oldest child, I'm the one who thread through the thin line of the rules my parents weave with their sword-embedded words and serpent glares.

I keep everyone in line so as to not disrupt the order of the imaginative makeshift peace that could waver with a drop of water.

I take on the role of the shadow that caresses my other sibling's emotions with a touch that is gentler than the silken thorn of my parents. I was both their mother and father all in one little body.

But even I have grown weary of serving as both the shield and the sword at once when, in my far too young physique, I could hardly support their bubbles of hope and dreams.

[devgelicca]

im ded

tmr is the long awaited big exam day

[devgelicca]

I'm getting better yet why does everything feel so empty?

[devgelicca]

eldest child

when I was a child, I have always hated the way she would call out the similarity between me and him because I know she loathe him and he was a bad person.

I don't want to be a bad person,

especially the one like him.

and I don't want my mom to hate me like she did to my father. she's the only one I have left to love me because nobody else would.

I would get upset when she says that.

unaware that the anger that I displayed towards her was exactly the same explosive anger he possessed.

so when I grew up I finally see that she's indeed right.

I am just like him.

I grew up to be explosive, unstable, and full of hatred. the worst is that even I hate myself so much to the point I could never see myself without my father reflection staring back at me, whispering calmly,

"you're just like me"