Trying to Fingure It Out

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Hasan Minhaj at 2016 RTCA Dinner (C-SPAN)

Hasan Minhaj at 2015 Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. Watch the complete dinner Saturday, June 18 at 8:00pm ET on C-SPAN and anytime online here:...

This needs to be seen. 

I have always been on the fence regarding politics and will be the first to admit I not educated on measures or candidates. Regardless of what side you vote for or how you feel about certain matters, one thing cannot be denied, he is speaking truth. From the awkward silences to the guilty, angry expressions of the audience. Things need to change. I'm not saying who to vote for or pushing any party over the other, again because I'm not educated enough to do so, but this needs to be seen.  

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#AllLivesMatter

#AllLivesMatter not just black lives. As someone who is not white or black this raises a huge issue with me. Throughout my life, the lives of my family, friends and history, we have experienced racism and prejudice. Saying Black Lives Matter in the media covered incidents and making social media focus only on that of the police and other brutality diminishes the struggles of the other races. Everyday day not just black lives are killed but brown, yellow and any other dimming and degrading color you choose to state. The fact that we are reverting back to colors found in a kindergarten Crayola box in itself is issue. We are ethnically diverse and to try and lump up African, Dominican, Latin, India, English, American or any other culture to simplicity of “Black” is a problem. Yes, we are all different physically. Our skin varies on where our background and ancestry are based on. To say one is “color blind” is false. We instantly feel more or less connected to a person or group based on our outward appearance. Hoping we are not alone in our experiences through this life. I am not saying to ignore the fact that we are all uniquely and beautifully different. I am saying we need to stop adding to the us and them culture we have all bought into. When we all strip down to what truly unites us and brings us together is #WeAreAllHuman. We are all people. All of our lives matter. And until we can all stop physically, emotionally and spiritually hurting each other No lives will matter. As a community, a country, and globally we need to stop killing each other over how we look, where we were born, what religion we follow, how much money we do or do not have or any other trivial matter. We as individuals need to stop hating against each other to the point we are killing ourselves. We are all people, humans, and we all matter to somebody and we all have at least one person that matters to us. Its not fair to single any one person or group as mattering more than the other. That creates jealousy and hate. It creates “what about me” “what about my plight” “do I not matter” We need to all unite and make #HumanLivesMatter. We need to stop killing each other. We, as the Human species, need to make the decision to stop this behavior and it begins with the individual. Now we are all human and we all make mistakes, we have done things that we wish and pray we would have never done. We all have our own unique take on life and that will never change. This is its own double edge sword. Because of this there will never been a kum ba yah, hippie, love and peace world. There will always be arrangements, fights and chaos. But we can all do our part to create less death. Stop and think. If you were to be killed would you want your life “avenged”? Would you want your life to contribute to endless circle of death, emptiness and sadness? Would you truly want an another mother, father, family and community to suffer just as yours has. Make it stop. Do not hold on the hate and anger. It will consume you till you are no longer human. You no longer can feel and be happy. Instead of “avenging” the life of a loved one be the life they would be proud of. Make a difference in this world that goes beyond sorrow and hurt. Rise above and be strong. It is all too easy to fall into darkness the true struggle is the stay in the light. Be the light that sparks the sunrise. #BeTheChange you want. Walk the walk. 

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Maybe

Started thinking lately. Maybe I’m not such a good person after all. Perhaps just the thought of me thinking I am a good person shows that I’m not. What is a good person? They do for others. More for other people than they do for themselves. But if I am always doing for other people who is doing anything for me? Is really wrong to want to be happy? Is wrong to want to be selfish? Is the fact that deep inside I’d rather do not as much for other people? Is it wrong that if I could truly be free and be the person I want I would have even fewer people in my life? There are people I just plain do not like. I don’t like the person they have become, I don’t like the way they treat people and I don’t like the way they push their beliefs on others. But if I really sit back and take a look at myself, I am not such a great person; on the inside. I have these thoughts. These feelings. Of just fuck everyone. Fuck emotions. Fuck it all. Why? Just to get hurt? Just to be used? Just to be someone else’s play toy? Than I think. If people really knew the shit I think I’d have no friends or social circle at all. That I do need. I am a social person. I crave connection. I crave attention. More so than I am willing to admit. I do, do what I want. If I want to get dolled up and be a show stopper, I can do that. If I want to be comfy and forgettable, I can do that too.But the rush of knowing I can, to some extent control the out come of situations and control the people around me just by the way I look, act and what I say gives me this rush. The sheer power a single person has over their surroundings is amazing. How other people do not see this I don’t really understand. But this is the where is gets a little foggy. Now I know I can do all this. I know I have this power to entice and mold situations. But I don’t use it. Not good or bad. Sometimes for selfish reasons. But not really for any real good. For example, when I was single, I would run tabs up to the hundreds. Talk, flirt, be friend, whatever it took because I didn’t want to buy my own liquor. Than at the end of the night I’d put on that deer in the headlight look and be oh no I can’t go home with you. I’m not that girl. (In all reality we are all THAT girl at one time or another) I would talk my way out of going home with them or chipping in. I always had this sixth sense I guess of being able to read people. Who they really were. Could I use them? Do I want to use them? What could I use them for? Pretty evil huh? But if I am going to be completely honest this is how I think. But on the outside, sweet, innocent, caring good person. But I’m not. I have these evil thoughts that I know if i verbally put them out there I’d be a social pariah. The fact that I can use someone without a second thought. No guilt. I’ve used people once got what I wanted and never looked back. But on the same note. I’ve cared so deeply for people, believed in them and their lies to the point that I’ve hurt myself. Karma? Perhaps. But does it make me a good or bad person that I don’t do this on a daily basis? That I make a conscious decision everyday to fit into society’s moral norm. Is that the real difference between good and bad? To have the power and capability to use but don’t? Or the real bad is to be able to use it for good and don’t? I wouldn’t even know how to use it for good. Maybe, just maybe I’m not such a good person after all.

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Not a Good Day

I’ve suffered from depression on and off through out my life. I can’t really pin point the time in my life where I realized the idea of not being good enough took over. I remember being a happy kid. But not as myself. I remember it like you remember a a friend. Oh yeah that girl. She was happy. Always smiling. Always happy. Not a care in the world. Didn’t worry about how she looked to the world or how the world looked at her. She was just her. The only thing she knew how to be. But I do know when I started private school I saw just how different I was. Which I think is funny considering uniforms are meant to unite. It was like I wearing this shell. This is what I am supposed to look like. This is how I am supposed to act. This, this is who I am supposed to be. And if I was anything less than an excelling, happy, pretty, thin, good little Catholic school girl I wasn’t good enough. We were all supposed to be this thing. This good God fearing morally on point thing. There was no wiggle room. Not only did I have to be in constant fear of getting unsatisfactory scores and disappointing my parents, I also had to fear God and being a bad person. I could not be a bad person. I could not be self confident because I’d be cocky. A good person was humble. I could not speak out of turn because that was rude. A good person spoke when spoken to or only when the words would add to the conversation. No wasted breath was tolerated. A good person did what they were told without question. I mean the adults knew what they were doing right. They’ve done it. They figured it out. That’s how you become an adult. That’s why you have kids, become a teacher. Because you have something, you’ve learned something has no needs to be passed down. This way of life needs to continue because it it right and just. But what if its not? What if all the lessons and fears I grew up with were wrong. What if I was supposed to question, fail, not be perfect. 

I grew up in the end of one era and the beginning of another. When I was really little it was still acceptable, normal and desired for the woman to stay home (or work) but still take care of the family. Home and family was the priority. That was your role. A woman knew how to clean, cook, raise children, took care of her husband, Mrs. June Cleaver. Even though I was born in 1985 this was still a widely acceptable stereotype on women. But as I grew up women were becoming empowered. You can truly be whomever you want. You can be a powerful attorney, you can be the bread winner, you can do anything a man can do. The world is your oyster. The problem with growing up in this transition. I was told these things however I was never shown how to. Just told I could. I was never shown how to love myself for who I was. Whoever that was. That just being ME was good, amazing and powerful. I didn’t grow up this way. I grew up already being fucked up.... Original Sin. I was already tainted. Before I even had a chance to see who or what I was. I had to earn the love of the family that brought me into this word. I had to earn my keep. School. I think school is where is all went wrong. More specifically Catholic school. and the Catholic religion. I think this is why I do not associate myself with the faith I was raised in. It’s a constant I am not worthy. Please tell me show me what I need to do to be worthy. What tricks and commands do I need to learn to be good. To be chosen. To go to eternal happiness. How can I be worthy of love and acceptance. RELIGION: DON’T DO THIS and DON’T DO THAT  DON’T DO THIS and DON’T DO THAT   DON’T DO THIS and DON’T DO THAT Constant saying why you are not good enough. Your gay, your mean, you don’t pray, you question, you sin, you lie, you doubt, your human. Fuck, so because I am this thing that YOU, God, made me I am automatically unworthy? How fucked is that. How about you just accept me for who I am? You made me. Supposedly in your image but somehow I’m broken before I even get a chance to begin? Yeah I think that is exactly why I have this inherent, constant thought of not being enough. Its so simple and people take it lightly. But enough. That’s all I really want to be. Enough to be happy to be loved, to be accepted, That just who I am is enough. No more no less. Enough is the perfect amount. Enough is perfection. You never hear anyone who has had enough of anything say they wish they had more. Perhaps less but never more. Enough doesn’t leave you wanting, waiting. 

I don’t feel enough today. In fact I feel as far from enough that there is. I feel like I have let down my family, his family, him, friends, myself. Everyone. The world. Its like if I was enough or at the very least knew what enough was I’d be better. Somehow more that who I am now. I would be happier, people around me would be happier. I wouldn’t have to force the happiness. It would just be. 

Forced happiness. People don’t really realize just how good I have become at portraying a happy life. That I have figured out. People don’t truly want to know how you are doing. Think about. When was the last time you asked someone how they were doing and actually meant it? Actually wanted to know how they were doing? Good, bad or otherwise. How many times have you asked that out of habit. without giving it a second thought? Or even hoping for a standard answer of fine. That is the key. You tell people what they want to here. I’m good, we’re good, we’re all good here. We just did this. Oh well I haven’t been around ya know cause I just needed some time to myself. Smile and just tell everyone what they want to hear. Because, just like you no body really truly wants to hear what’s the matter. Everyone has their own problems and no body wants to hear how crappy your life is. Or how you feel lost and useless every single day of your life. Like this leech on life because your not good at anything. Nor will you ever be. Your no body special and you should just really stop trying to be. Everyone can see through your shitty shell of a “good person” your tolerated. No one actually likes you they pity you. Guys like anything with a vagina. Girls bah there's a reason why you only have family and like one friend. because no body likes you. Just stop with all the lies and get over yourself and try to go without screwing up other people lives.

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Is it even worth trying to put the pieces back together?

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Me: I actually look and feel pretty good today. Si Se Puede Self confidence meter: 6/7

Brain: Conceded; no one thinks this. People tolerate you to keep other people happy or because your family.

Me: Yeah your right. I’m just another dumb girl who accidentally got this far.  Self confidence meter: -2

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Empathy, Includer, Harmony, Developer, Positivity

I recently purchased the book Strength Finder 2.0. My boyfriend’s work had purchased the book for all their employees and had them take the test. (Which was all for nothing considering they did nothing to harness the information found) But I read the book and loved the idea of finding what I was strong in and developing these features and using them to find my life calling.

“You cannot be anything you want to be - but you can be a lot more of who you already are.” This struck a cord with my heart. I always knew I honestly could not do anything I wanted. But I did know that I wanted to be the best me I could be. Before injury I was a good softball player. Nothing to get me a scholarship or play on any big team but a good one. I could lead my team on the mound. I had confidence in my abilities. I felt like this was what I was supposed to do for that time in my life and I was happy. I have been searching for this same feeling ever since. Something I was confident in my abilities. I could lead, show and teach. I feel like I am not truly good or blessed with talents that I could walk into a business and say “Hire me. You need me. I bring x, y, z to the table and how have you ever ran your business without me?” 

Well I took this test and it described me to a T. I was truly amazed with just how well this 30 minutes test pinned me. EMPATHY: You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s predicament. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. INCLUDER: Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Your accepting nature.. rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. HARMONY: In your view there is little to be gained from conflict and friction so you seek to hold them to a minimum. You can’t quite believe how much time is wasted by people trying to impose their views on others. DEVELOPER: You see the potential in others. Each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. POSITIVITY: You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. - This is me. I am a good person. I know this and I have always known this. This not me being conceited its is who I am and who I know myself to be. I am proud of the person I am. The person my parents raised. I look to put others up and be helpful. I strive to be humble and make the world around me a little brighter for those  I hold dear to me. 

Awesome. I am good person and this book has confirmed that I am a good person. Its not just this voice in my head or the words of my friends and family. But now what?! What I am I supposed to do with my life? “Hello, I am a good person. I will lift company moral, I will help you harbor people talents, and I can read people and their moods to make sure we have an overall happy and emotionally healthy staff.” Uh ok but what is it I actually do? I am a good friend. I’ll listen to you. Give you objective advice. Help you. But what is it that I can do for a living that I would love and look forward to? I feel just as lost as I did before. 

Anyone seeking a good person to be a good understanding friend for their company?

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Live and love like a child

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Live to make your future self proud

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Bambi and Thumper

“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” It’s not a hard concept to grasp. I’m not saying to be fake. In order to be fake you’d have to say something not true. 

This morning I walked into a Starbucks in Yurba Linda, CA and there was this women I’d say in her 50′s surrounded by men that looked older than her. I hear one of the men let out a “wow” and the women state “She caught your attention huh?” This short conversation would have been fine on its own. I know what I look like. I looked at myself after I got dressed, while I was blow drying my hair, doing my make up and a final inspection before I left the gym. I don’t get dressed for other people, I do sometimes get dressed for my boyfriend but I always get dressed for me. Not for the public. I could give a rat ass about what people think about me, how quick people are to judge or if boo who I have a few less friends because people want to pass judgment. I don’t need those people in my life. 

But the conversation did not end there and mind you I was not standing near this group by any means and I could hear EVERY word. Old Bittier Woman (OBW) “I hope she’s not going to work like that. But than again I guess that’s the trend now” I was raised to be polite but not to take shit. I looked over directly at her “Actually I am going to work.” OBW, “Well you look like a slut” I simply stated “To each their own” OBW stated something I really don’t remember but I am sure it was along the line of what I was wearing was somehow inappropriate for my profession. Like she even knew what I did bitch you don’t know. “Well my boyfriend doesn’t mind so that’s all that really matters” OBW “Well aren’t you lucky” “I am very lucky” and I purposely took a seat right next to their group and waited for my drink. When I left I walked straight up to her “I hope you have a great a day and that no one judges you as quickly as you judge them” and I walked out with my head held high.... Than I realized I left my god damn key at the counter Bahaha! So I walked back in with a smile simply because I was laughing at myself. When I walked out one the older mean she was sitting with said “You should get a key chain.””Honestly I rarely take it out of my purse it’s always in there. Of course the one time I take it out” haha “ Have a great day!” and than I walked out. 

I am an incredibly insecure woman. I work on my confidence daily. I used to be 225lb+ and covered every inch of my body even in the blistering California summer. I worked for 2 years to get back control of my life, body and health. I finally get to wear all the clothes I dreamed of but never thought I could wear. I get attention I’m uncomfortable with and have never had before. I am constantly relearning myself. So if I choose to dress “like a slut” than so be it. I am not so dumb as to think as people will not look or talk. But I do expect people to have manners and be polite. Talk, talk all you want, stare I really don’t give a fuck. But if I wanted your opinion or hear your thoughts on how I chose to dress or live my life I would have asked. Prompted this conversation. Old bittier woman, who’ve I’ve never met, who likes to impose her valves and ideals on other people, who is most likely unhappy with her own life; please think before you speak. I am sure you have been bullied at one point or another. Told you didn’t live up to some status quo or wasn’t the person you should be. Remember how that made you feel. Did you feel deflated? Worthless? Or did you get mad like I did? How dare you judge me. How dare you pass judgement without know a damn thing about me. Who I am. What I’ve been through. Why I chose to dress the way I did today.

I will continue to dress for me. How I feel like dressing that day for that moment. I will continue get judged which is fine I will never make everyone happy nor do I want to. And I will slowly begin to stand up for myself.

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Happiness

What is it? Where is it? And can I take up shop and live here forever?

I have been trying to figure out what makes me happy. Well that is a relatively simple questions to answer. My family; Mom, Dad, sister, nieces, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. My boyfriend. My friends. My dogs. Helping people. Being active/healthy. The endless changes I make to my outward appearance. And countless others things on a daily bases that bring a smile to my face.

But pinpointing that one thing that makes me happy that I can do on the daily AND make money? How do I find this? How do I find my life purpose? How do I find this one thing I was meant to do for the rest of my life? Or rather at this time, for the next 40ish years until I magically hit that number where I have ‘Fuck you money’ aka retirement money. That magical number where I could walk away from it all and just live. Just live. Why can’t I do that now? Now I’m not so illogical as to think I don’t need money or so dependent that I want someone to financially support me. But why can’t I find that something that makes me happy, that thing I wouldn’t mind doing for the rest of my life. Do until I just physically couldn’t anymore than teach others how to do it? Why couldn’t I find that something that made me special. 

Like most people my age I turned to the internet to tell me. The great and wide internet only really made me realize that I had no idea who I was. Who the me was. I knew socially I was Desirae, Hispanic female who just entered her thirties. But WHO was I. What was I good at, was I great at anything, was I special? Is anyone really special? Or are there others who are just really good at convincing people that they are in fact special? This than made me really depressed. Those thoughts we all think to some degree came creeping in. I’m not special. I’m not good at anything. I’m stupid. I’m ugly. I’m nobody. I was more lost than I had ever been. And I’ve been lost. But this was different. I was lost about who I was and my future. Self confidence: gone. Drive: gone. How do I dig myself out of this one? So I started looking at what other people around my age where doing. They were doing what they wanted to do. 

So that is what I am trying to figure out....

What am I good at?

What makes me special?

Who am I?

Pretty anti climatic right? I am still lost. I still struggle to keep my thoughts positive. But I just keep thinking about the people around me that look up to me. How would I want them to think about themselves? What would I want for them? I try to think about the advice I’d give to the people I love and follow that. Just be happy. Fuck what people think about you and just be. Don’t be basic. Don’t be scared. If people can’t handle how crazy and weird you are than they don’t deserve the awesomeness that is you.

So what am I walking away with at this exact moment in time? My self confidence fluctuates. Drive is well in a school zone at the moment. Not speeding, but moving. I know I need to be better and do better. I know I ultimately want help people. I don’t want to be famous in any derivative of the word. And I know I want to be happy.