Dewteragonist

Thoughts, musings. And the occasional crisis

[dewteragonist]

It hurts to not be a person in a way that matters

[rosalieee]

i think, i don’t wanna be here anymore. i think, i don’t wanna be me anymore.

[tragedy-starlights]

I'm barely a person

I'm the embodiment of hate, resentment, and exhaustion

[beesflyanyway]

i’m going to disappear.

when the sun comes up and i’m no longer there,

do not come looking for me.

i do not wish to be found.

[rubypomegranates]

"Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it."

Lemony Snicket "The Carnivorous Carnival"

[m-oaning-myrtle]

[seemehowiam]

[ohnoidontexist]

[dewteragonist]

It hurts to be dead in yhe heart and yhe eyes and yhe lives of so many.

It fukcing hurts

[dewteragonist]

it's bbeen years but I still feel that hollowness. Keep getting reminded in not a real person. My wants and feelings mean nothing.

Im not a friend. I'm someone u keep for a while .like a sea monkey. And then u can leave me when u get bored.

Im boring. I'm not fun. So I don't deserve people, do i

[dewteragonist]

I think yhe only reason I haven't killed myself yet is I do t know if that would make anyone happy. I'm already dead to a lot of people. Killing myself changes nothing. Except getting g me to stop feeling hopeful

[dewteragonist]

Idk how to explain. The fear and dread I feel at the term shadowban.

Because it turns you into a ghost. Screaming and hollering banshee, tearing the walls for someone to hear you and no one will.

It is one thing to do it to a troll, or a person being clearly abusive. It's another to do it to someone "just because". Or maybe they annoy you.

Its a kind of death. And there are people that will be happy to have someone shadowbanned, feel safer maybe.

It scares me. That people have the power to turn you into nothing. To shove your voice into the ground screaming and taste nothing but dirt and grief

[dewteragonist]

feel badfor the people that did and do consider mea friend because I'm. Not that fun to talk to or be around. I genuinely don't know how they stand me

[dewteragonist]

someone I know is receiving death threats and suicide bait. They are a wonderful person that a great deal of people love and support. Yet they're still receiving awful messages from (of course) anons.

I cannot help but think if they're receiving hate, how could I possibly justify living my own life? If someone THIS adored is being harassed, what right do I have to complain about anything? To think I deserve good things?

Im not sent anything because I am already dead. I cannot complain because who will hear it? I am a ghost stain upon peeling wallpaper.

But this person isn't. This person is amiable amd friendly and has done nothing to deserve the vitriol being thrown at them.

I wish my death had Power. I wish my life had worth as a sacrifice. I wish I could do anything more than what has been done to help.

(It is a selfish thought. This is a selfish post. This is a selfish blog. I cannot show selfishness elsewhere.)

I want to die but I want them to keep going more. If I die that is one less person wanting to help. So I'll try.

I want to die. But I'll try

[dewteragonist]

Im tired and I want to die. I want to be euthanized but it isn't legal here and no one will help me die somewhat peacefully and I'm so. Damn tired

[dewteragonist]

I live with the constant reminder that I am Othered.

I am not alone. There are people around me. But I cannot interact. They scatter like birds if I make a noise. I must stay covered and curtained if I wish to remain.

I am there without being there. I exist, technically. I can communicate, technically.

But there are consequences.

For the attempt.

I may remain should I prove myself quiet. Undisturbed. Unspoken.

Should I try. Should I try to reach out-

They go.

And I stay

Until I go.

And they return.

So I am not alone. I am not an island. I am a spit of land that tides cut and cut and swallow.

I am a birdwatcher.

Nothing more

[dewteragonist]

metaphors are odd things.

How am I to describe. The feeling of fishbowls for eyes. And goldfish glinting like death inside.

Its nonsense. Its extrapolary. It's almost pretentious.

But that doesn't stop the fish from swimming in the bowl