[diamondlashes]

i cleaned up and rearranged my makeup drawer and found again my favorite lipstick i thought i had lost for the past few months 😭

[diamondlashes]

couldnt tell anyone at the time because i was too embarrassed but the fact that this person told me that they used to be "very into psychology" but they had "mastered it years ago" so it was "no longer exciting" for them and were thinking about "moving onto neuroscience". but in the form of podcasts because they were lowkeynely illiterate. this is why i kinda dont deserve compassion for letting them do what they did to me 💀

[diamondlashes]

could never do this professionally because any time someone asks me to model for them i feel like theyre telling me "i think youre beautiful. i would love to make you look fucking ugly for my shoot. that is my vision"

[diamondlashes]

exchange student from the lab asked me to model for her again but asked if i can wear braids which is sending me because i hate how i look with every single hairstyle besides w my hair down 😬

[diamondlashes]

people who vent don't want advice but acknowledgment and it is largely understood - even though i think of some tragicomic examples of some i know who suck at getting this specific memo in particular - and as a consequence whatever is said in the attempt to comfort the discomforted is not as important as lending them a shoulder... however for me i can say sometimes someone has come up with a response so perfect it allowed me to stop torturing myself, the opposite of advice but served as such in organizing the thought. some statements like that i repeat in my mind all the time sort of like an inverse, non evil rumination (maybe a meditation)

[diamondlashes]

getting ready 2go out and a pigeon shat on my only clean short sleeve tshirt

[diamondlashes]

i had the most delicious bubble milk jasmine tea with mango popping pearls and vanilla pudding yesterday like they literally scooped a piece of pudding and put it in my cup. i didn't even know you could do that it was crazy. you had to be there

[diamondlashes]

ok so actually i love walking behind a teenage girl who's wearing an intoxicatingly sweet vanilla body mist

[diamondlashes]

i love when someone texts me after we hung out like now i can actually relax for the rest of the day instead of worrying that weird thing i said an hour ago made you not want to talk to me ever again.. i have a friend who always sends me a full on positive review when they get home like "thank you so much for hanging out with me i had an amazing time i love you" and i think it's the best thing ever

[diamondlashes]

one of the few things that give me relief is making an effort to think of the end of a friendship as the end of a romantic relationship... yes i really loved someone, yes things didn't work out, they treated me in a way that made me suffer and i had to leave. that is a very concise and sensible way to give margins to it. gives a place to it in the things of life that are for their own nature mostly fleeting, whose ends we are all at least to an extent prepared for, that do not come with a sentence about ourselves or our future ability to be happy or try again, and so on. you can even go as far as fantasizing that people would understand what that meant for you through such a simple semantic slip. this is also why talking about my one failed romance comes so much easier than all the other immense failed loves of my life, feels inherently less vulnerable. anyone finds the story automatically compelling, is amused at its hysteria, gets perfectly outraged in my defense, my reaction is read as perfectly normal or mostly understated and in any case totally valid. but when i try opening up about all the ways i have have my heart broken as a friend it's just a handful of people that seem to understand. in the overwhelming majority of cases it's something i'm not even willing to do anymore because of how crazy i've been made to feel. i always called it a pain that is "orphan", i wonder why. orphan of language? yet i have already identified how language is not the remedy, if anything a torture device i hold against myself. the more language is loaned to pain, the bigger its proliferation, sentence turn into book of suffering into altar into cathedral.. or yes maybe cause things need words but not meaning, words heal and meanings infect, prime for eternal hurt. deserted by the social apparatus that gives birth to it? this former friend once said that i am very good at making up ways to call things and that it was one of the reasons why i was so funny. i was so ridiculously delighted to hear it, as if i was getting credited for work that had mostly gone unnoticed from anyone else...

[diamondlashes]

and what if for once i want to have a good thing that does not turn into one of the greatest pains of my life lol

[ineverhavenightmares]

never did smth like this before but - i’ve been p depressed and unable to work freelance for a while so i created a donation thing for june until i can start working again. any help is appreciated. thank u 💐

https://www.sapeo.org/help-with-june-expenses

[ineverhavenightmares]

if you're local and wld prefer to donate by other means pls lmk

[ineverhavenightmares]

20/150 euros so far, many thanks to all who have shared & donated 🌷

[diamondlashes]

Im sorry but how is a lab made mob trafficked drug ethical? Just askin

because it is not "mob trafficked" whatever that means 😂

[diamondlashes]

Funny how you’re against ai for ethical reasons despite doing drugs

i do k which is a synthetic substance with no ethical issues in itself and buy cbd from a hippy that resells his friends stuff so this did not land..but regardless one of the dumbest asks i've ever received . how are you poor with a phone type reasoning

[diamondlashes]

can you guys pray that it won't actually pour down tomorrow so i can get bubble milk tea w my friend and then go to the perfumery store they not only stock d'annam but also rubini naomi goodsir oriza l. legrand and hilde soliani

[diamondlashes]

going outside to water the plants in the silken flowery kimono vest that my parents bought for me at the japanese pavillon of an asian culture festival thinking that i was gonna love it even though i openly detest bright yellow knowing i look like the blonde guy in a kimono meme

[diamondlashes]

in a strange rut of hypomania where i keep getting hypnotized by strange detail oriented housework like i decided i needed to polish the kitchen chairs ? who even does that..and then realized the pillows suck and put them in the washing machine and then also felt like scrubbing off all the rust and limestone off the dish rack and washed my entire makeup brushes collection then did a second load of laundry and as i was about to hang it outside i got distracted and found myself fixing the cat safety net on the balcony which had been tormenting me for months and i did it half naked in the dark using my phone as a flashlight because the outside lamp broke and idk how to replace it and keep forgetting to call my landlords about it..oh and also vacuumed mopped cleaned the bathroom and assembled the fan and a box that required me to use all sorts of random tools like a hammer. i didnt even know i owned a hammer. resuscitated the kombucha and made 0.5 liters of honey peach green tea and forgot to drink any. and had two iced coffees with caramel syrup and it gave me diarrhea. it may sound wonderful and like im being extremely productive but throughout all this my house looks like its inhabited by a cigarette mom and four children