My Journal

A safe space for self expression and reflection

[dianashenao]

Me acuesto a dormir con la imagen de una pareja enamorandose frente al mar. Con la inocencia de un mundo perfecto y mucho amor aún por demostrar.

Con lo difícil de esta vida, así mismo me atrevo a soñar que algún día será fácil pensar en volver a empezar.

[dianashenao]

Feb 8, 2025

Primera lectura del año

[water-aesthetics]

[violetvibrations]

@ youareluminous

[fightingthosedemons-deactivated]

[dianashenao]

Today one of those pillars if my life finally shakes. Sometimes we need a little reminder that we can’t devote our entire life to just one aspect of it.

I adore my job. I adore it. So much that I don’t mind not asking for vacation time, missing some time for myself. I’ve known this can’t go on forever for a while now…

Sometimes us humans make mistakes. I made one. As would any other human! I love my job so much I am now constantly fearful that I’m going to lose it. It sounds strange, doesn’t it? But that’s me. No… it’s not a terrible mistake, but regardless I am always fearful that I will do or say something unintentionally inconvenient or wrong and that will mean the end of my journey.

Oddly enough… when I think about losing mi job, after the sadness… I envision life giving me a chance to remember who I am beyond my work, beyond the professional achievements I value so much; sometimes to the point where I believe I wouldn’t be valuable without them. It’s strange but in this moment i feel as though transformation is taking place. I’m in the middle of being an avid workaholic and remembering I am also a valuable human.

I’m a human. I make mistakes. I will only become better now that I choose to learn from them rather than ignore them in the pursuit of perfection. My only pursuit is humanity. I am human, and as long as my intent is never to hurt or destroy I am at peace with myself.

Thank you God. I needed this. I will always need you.

[dianashenao]

So it’s officially over. Nearly a year and a half since we became “us”. We’re not “us” anymore. It has been a couple of days. I was okay. I was being strong and moving on. I was thinking about my work, making hard choices, trying to be a good leader. I thought I was okay. I just couldn’t find it in me to think about Fight Club or that date when we went out to dinner and for the first time wouldn’t stop holding hands. I remember discussing drinking beer, who would drive. Watching a movie and suddenly. Our first kiss. I love you. That’s not changing. Maybe transforming, but certainly I will love you forever Santi. I really will.

[dianashenao]

I think I need a friend

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

you are loved. on quiet days that feel meaningless, during long nights when loneliness consumes you, when you’re reminiscing and grieving the past, on good days that feel like warmth and light, always remember that you are loved. 

[dianashenao]

And this is it. I’m not sure whether to call it a full circle moment when I feel so sad or to just accept that it is just plain life. I am lying here, in bed. In the same room where I was when we started to create oir story. I recall lying here before looking at my phone and looking forward to your message like some sort of event was taking place. I remember how I felt so happy and in love with myself as I slowly but surely fell in love with you. Sharing music, sharing stories, sharing life and its pleasures and complications. That’s what really strikes me. How something so exciting could so easily fade into the background. At what point did you stop enjoying sharing your music with me... at what point were you not excited to see me anymore. It’s like you don’t find me to be something worth fighting for. And I have fought for you. I have fought people out of my life, I have struggled and tried and cried and I haven’t had enough of us but I have had enough of doing this on my own. I can do nothing more except pray for the best for you and hope that perfect order will be set in place. I love you, but I need my soul to be okay. And if that takes letting you go, it’s a price I’ll pay.

[dianashenao]

The time has come to feel good again. To wake up with the certainty that I am blessed and will do whatever it takes to make myself feel whole and loved. It’s the time to rise and remember that life is so much more than the person you stop to admire and love. That life is so much more when you become that human you want to make happy and finally decide you’ve had enough of everyone else’s nonsense and wasteful behavior. It’s the time to say no. No. I don’t want to go out and drink with you. No, I don’t want to add you on instagram. No. I am not interested in facetiming and gossiping about boys. No, I don’t like your culture and I sure as hell would rather go to the mall by myself. Because more often than not.... you will show yourself a good time and you may just enjoy it more than an awkward night with strangers.

I am grateful for those who have been kind enough to make me a part of their lives. And I trust that kindness will teach me to be kind to myself.

Today I understand my priorities. I understand God, myself and my family are my united front. I understand my mistakes. And I may not know how, but I know I will make it right.

[dianashenao]

Cómo describir cuánto te amo

Cuántas noches soñándonos

Te amo

[dianashenao]

A prayer

A prayer tonight for love. For the true love that I desperately want to keep for myself forever. I love hime and I’m willing to make it work.

Lord, make our dreams come true. Make us happy. And please don’t let us resent one another. This is true love. I am willing to both forgive and ask for forgiveness. I am willing to listen and be heard. I am willing to give it my all as long as my partner will do the same. I will let my Lord establish his perfect order among us all. I will trust. With only love.

[dianashenao]

I have a lovely new bestie

[dianashenao]

Suelta mujer que estás viva

Recuerda mujer que eres fuente

Desnuda tus miedos

Desintoxica tu alma

Vive la vide en plena calma

8.9.2020

[6i]

a man who doesn’t admire his woman does not deserve her presence.

[dianashenao]

Así es que se siente cuando has dado tanto, cuando finalmente ya lo has dado todo. Cuando ya no te quedan más fuerzas para luchar por algo que es de dos. Cuando no entiendes por qué no se te quitan las ganas de llorar cuando solo puedes dormir. Cuando llevas horas sin comer y no tienes hambre pero ese dolor no te deja ni existir ni dormir. Cuando ya aunque todo está bien, nada está bien. Porque tuviste que darlo todo, abrirte del todo, exponerlo todo de ti y ya lo único que quieres es que llegue el lunes para recoger un poquito de tu dignidad y más bien irte a trabajar. Ya no puedo más. Ya fue suficiente de luchar tanto. Me duele la cabeza, me duele el alma y todo lo demás. Ya basta de luchar contra molinos de viento. Ya se acabaron los sacrificios y las mentiras innecesarias. Ya me acabé yo con la ingenuidad y la paciencia. Ya no quiero ser paciente. Quiero que me cuiden, que me quieran. Que me den todo lo que me he esmerado por darle a los demás. Quizás solo una parte de lo que me he esmerado por darle a los demás. Este amor que ha sido tan bonito ya solo quiero que sea amor propio. No quiero más promesas del día a día e intentos que no se traducen en mi absoluta satisfacción. Ya no quiero recibir las migajas de nadie. Solo voy a recibir lo mejor de mí para mí. Ya no quiero rogarle a nadie que me quiera, ni que se esmere por darme lo que es importante para mí. Ya no voy a hacer más sacrificios que no van a ser valorados. Ya no puedo más. Ya no doy más. Ya solo quiero que me quieran y no más. No voy a pelear más. Lo que sea que no me merezca ya me perdió.