My Head is a Mess

This is my journal.  I don't care if you read it or not. Read 'Me' for more info.

[dianes-diary-blog]

😕

Today’s mood

[dianiedisaster]

The world sounds weird at 5am when you’ve been awake for 12 hours…

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I'm getting really tired of this extreme lonely feeling I get every time I come home.... it's really starting to affect my psyche

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I’ve been promoted! Well, I’m in the process of being promoted. I’m doing all the videos for it and my background check is going through now.  Within 3 weeks, I’ll be a black shirt :D

[dianes-diary-blog]

Note to self

He isn't doing it to piss you off. He just hasn't been home enough and had been busy. No, him being busy is not an excuse. So stop thinking what you're thinking and if you have to ask him ask after tomorrow!

[dianes-diary-blog]

Rant 6.12.16

The only thing stopping me from writing my job now is that I need this job cause there's no other place to work that I get 40 hours a week.

[dianes-diary-blog]

Rant 6.11.16

Looking at my boyfriend's face after a hard day at work and it making me feel better is apparently too clingy. So guess my days won't ever get better. Woohoo! And I'm trying to become an adult and look for jobs and places to live but the closest places that offer juvenile justice that's closest to me is in the city he lives in and he doesn't want to be a factor in where I go, but I can't help if the place I applied for is 20-40 minutes from his house and the closest to my hometown! UGH! This is the only thing I was worried about with Bo asks I's long distance relationship. Miscommunication. And I can't sleep so that's making my mood worse. Just ugh!!!

[dianes-diary-blog]

First overreaction after being home for a month. I should probably still take my anxiety meds but I don't feel like it and I'm trying to get off them. I'm gonna go to bed.

[dianes-diary-blog]

Just asked to be switched to nights because of 2 coworkers... one thinks I'm below her for dating a black guy and the other doesn't think I'm competent enough to do my job. Were gonna try to make it so that I don't work with both at the same time. Here's to hoping I don't have an attitude with customers because of coworkers!

[dianes-diary-blog]

Journal 21. 5/21/16

This is actually going to be a rant of sorts....

Remember when I told you about my coworker looking down on me for dating Bo?  Yeah, I’m gonna type up my answers to anything she has to say about us.

CW: But he’s black.

And we’re white. Color is color. He just happens to have more melanin than we do.  Get over that.

CW: You should find you a better guy.

Who would be better?  The guy who lived 5 minutes away and didn’t want to commute a little to see me?  The same guy who actually was abusive?  The one that didn’t want to do anything for me, that I always had to do everything for him? Or shall I go back even farther and take one from high school who got an under age girl pregnant while he was over age? I can say though, that he has at least stayed with her since.  So, no. I can’t find a better guy.

CW: He lives so far away.  Find someone closer.

Okay. 1. I grew up with everyone around my age here.  I can’t stand any of them.  2. I’m not staying in this shithole for the rest of my life.  I plan on moving to some other place not near here.  I might move to his city, we might move together if we are together that long, which I hope with ever fiber of my being.

CW: What will other people think?

WHO THE FUCK CARES? If I thought people would think of my relationship with a judgmental attitude, I would have found Bo faster!

CW: Don’t you think someone not like him would treat you better?

Remember that guy I told you about that lived 5 minutes away? Yeah, he was probably as white as you could get.  The one that knocked up an underage girl? Yeah, definitely white.  Out of the three, who actually treats me the best? Bo.  How do I know that? After a week of dating in school, knowing I was graduating, he asked how we would make this relationship work. Guy 1? Wanted to call it quits in February when we still had 3 months of school left.  Guy 2? Decided to call me and tell me he ‘fell out of love with me’ after seeing his parents fight.  Bo?  Makes sure I get home safe, makes sure he is active in my life.  After a month of dating told me he has fallen in love with me real quick but didn’t want to tell me he loved me because he was scared of how fast he fell in love.  He wanted to protect me from that and wanted to make sure I felt the same before anything was said like that.  And you know what? I love him too.  And what does the ‘not like him’ mean? Someone not black?  Would you think the same of the guy I date if he was Native American? What about Spanish? Mexican? Hindi? Canadian? Huh? Thought so.

CW: I don’t think I can look at you the same now.

Fine.  I’ll tell our boss that I can’t work during the day anymore because I feel like I can’t do my job while I work with you.  I know she’ll let me switch.  My hours might go down, I don’t want that, but if I feel like I can’t do my job because of your judgment, then I’ll deal with it.  I find it funny though, how you could look at me the same after I told you I wasn’t a virgin.  I guess it’s okay that I have sex with an abusive white guy and not an extremely caring black guy?  Okay then.  Glad I could break the rules for this one too.

CW: What do your parents think of you dating him?

They are happy for me.  They saw that he made me happy.  I had been having breakdowns quite often before I met him.  After going on meds for it, they lessened but didn’t stop.  I met him and they stopped.  He makes me happy and helps me when I break, if I break.  No one besides my bestfriends can do that.  They see his color as something that makes him different.  Like my orange hair does for me.  We are great together and they see that.  If you want to know what they said about him, Mom said “Cool” and Dad said “Okay”.  They only care that I’m happy and not doing anything stupid.

CW: But aren’t you afraid he will become violent?

No.

...

Bo is the only person I have ever known, romantically or not, that I can see myself getting married to and having kids with.  And if anyone truly knows me, they know that marriage and kids are things that I don’t necessarily want in life, at least not any time soon.  Bo knows this and is perfectly fine with it.  I can actually picture my wedding in vivid detail.  I normally can’t visualize faces when I think of the future.  I can see Bo’s face as perfectly as I can see my own in a mirror.  I know he is the one for me and no matter what CW or anyone says or thinks is going to change this.

So, for those reading this, sorry it’s long but I really needed to get that off my chest.  It’s been bugging me for weeks now.

So, here is a song quote that I think is perfect for this journal/rant.  And yes, it’s Taylor Swift.

“ All you are is mean And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean”

Ta!

[sweet-montage]

you know you’re fucked when their voice turns you on

[dianes-diary-blog]

Talking to Bo about pooping.... how much more perfect can he be?! 😍😍

[dianes-diary-blog]

Journal 20. 5/20/16

Now that I’m actually on my laptop, I can see that this is the 20th journal.  I’m insanely tired.  I’ve worked a total of around 30 or so hours in 3 days.  I’ve done the work of 3 people for the past 3 days.  I came home at 2:30, went to bed at 3:30, got up at 5:30 to eat.  Now, I’m about to go back to sleep.  I go in at 2pm to 10:30pm then go in at 7 the day after.  I’m dead.

Ta!

[dianes-diary-blog]

Journal #Whatever. 5/18/16

Happy birthday to me! And it's more of a 'well today kinda sucks so woohoo'. I started work today. I actually planned to start today. It may be my birthday, but it's really just another day now. I knew coming back to my small town and dating a black man would cause me to get some weird looks. What I didn't expect was to be viewed differently by one if my coworkers because of it. She asked and I told her it was a different guy than in Dec. When I showed her Bo's picture, I get the 'oh, it's a black guy' oh and a judgemental look. Now she doesn't talk to me that often. I don't know if it's cause it's my first day back or that I'm dating Bo. She apparently doesn't like dating black men but Bo treats me the best I've ever been treated outside of family. I don't care what color he is. I love him and he loves me and treats me right. I told Dad about my coworker and he was surprised. My dad speaks his mind whenever he talks and some things could piss off people. I told him I was worried about what he would think and he told me he isn't racist and doesn't care. That what he says would piss of any color cause he'll tear every color apart I'd he feels like they need to improve. The only thing he cares about is if he brings Charlotte drugs around, but I told him Bo doesn't do that. It makes me feel alot better to know that. So it's really been a day today. I'm halving my anxiety meds so I can get off them. I don't think I'll need them anymore without school being a factor. So we'll see. Ta for now!

[dianes-diary-blog]

Update #Whatever

Just pissed off my sister. I'm very highly allergic to poison ivy and she's not at all. She said she walked through it earlier today and we asked her to change her pants before she got near me. She didn't and we mentioned it and she got pissed that I was trying to keep my distance. That pissed her off. I'm sorry I'm trying to keep something away from myself that would cause me not to function right and could possibly give others since I work in fast food. ... And now she's throwing and hitting stuff in her room. I hope she breaks something she really needs so she'll learn her lesson about throwing a temper tantrum.

[dianes-diary-blog]

I cut my hair. A whole 3 inches! ….. On a side note, I’ll post the next journal soon, I hope. I haven’t had any stressors that would cause me to freak out since I graduated.

[dianes-diary-blog]

Dream Update. 5/6/16

This is only about my dream last night. I'll hopefully do an actual journal later. But it went something like this: I woke up, in the dream, and it was 2 o'clock today. I had an exam at 12 today. So I call my professor and ask to take it at 3. He said yes. On the way to take it, I pass by a sign that says Bo is missing. I had snapchatted him 5 minutes before I saw the sign. The sign looks like it's in my handwriting too. I stand at the door to my dorm holding said sign asking if people have seen him. Around 6 o'clock, I get a snap from Bo saying he's home finally. Seeing this, I remember my exam was 3 hours before and freak out. And that was my dream. And that's why I'm in my exam room an hour before I have to be.