Diary of an Incendiary

Irene // 21 // ENFP // Creative // I'm that girl whose greatest talent is destroying everything around her. Serving up rants, probably-banal poetry, and well-considered essays. var sc_project=10437103; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="d2b2abd8"; var scJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://secure." : "http://www."); document.write("");

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All My Hair Is Falling Out: a memoir by me

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Don’t tell me I don’t have goals? JFC

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Dichotomy of Me #1

Me: I feel like dressing up!

Also me: Ugh, do you think people are gonna expect me to dress up for them every time now?

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Now, to be productive!!!

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Today did not work out well for me at all. Not only was I needy (l hadn't talked to my close friends for 4 days now), I expressed my neediness on Facebook, and then I got angry with someone who responded inappropriately (not that I can control how people respond, but I didn't appreciate it and I wasn't about to let him get away with it). Then I picked a fight with my best friend, and only after a lot of crying and almost three hours, we managed to part on good terms. As a result, I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, and I think I might actually stay away from Facebook for a while. I can imagine that after reading this, you must think of me as demanding, high-maintenance, a drama queen, an attention seeker. Because I am! And I would really love to not be so volatile. And this is where I'm coming from when I self-degrade publicly, even though you might not believe it from how I currently interact with you: I know I'm needy and socially inept. I'm a terrible burden, and I know it. But I don't know how else to be. This is me, really.

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Why do I feel like I've lost something and can't get it back?

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Is anyone here? Is anyone listening?

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Why is my theme so broken?!?

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Written 30th January 2015 For The Boyfriend You brought me a chess board. You know I’m not very good at strategic games like that. Don’t you know I have no foresight? The only moves I make are the...

@sawahbodien, sorry I made you wait so long, but go for your life! :D

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Wordsmith

So, wordsmith, After every heartbreak, After every tear you shed, After every drop of “ink” you spill, Do you feel solace? When you create words on a screen in front of you: Ephemeral. Just like your pained, pitiful emotions. It’s a window pane into festering misery And I have no sympathy for it.

See, you’re the type who thinks: “I’m so sad. This is a universal experience. I’ll write about this, And people will praise me for putting into words What they couldn’t.”

So, wordsmith, Do you really think you’re special? For your composition of phrases Where you seek to evoke the pain You dredged up from a near-forgotten memory And make it permanent… Do you remember what other emotions feel like? This is just a suggestion…

Step away from your scalpel of a pen, because Relentlessly dissecting your misery is pointless. Step into the sunlight, Breathe in the fresh air Thank God you are still alive.

18 August 2015

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Today I remembered that I had this writing project called “Confessions (m)” (the lowercase m stands for minor, since I also had a “major” one, which was essentially an autobiography). So naturally I wanted to hunt for it and post it here.

Thing is, it’s on my old computer, so once I finish backing it up, I should be able to do that. C:

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Currently working on it!!! :D I’ve been working on it since the start of April. Anyone wanna see/know more? It’s a bunch of opinions/values I hold, as well as how I work.

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Introspection #1

I’m ashamed, I’m angry and I’m directionless. I say I couldn’t care less But I have noticed there’s something amiss And I can’t help but think that there’s Something missing I’m so dissatisfied but I won’t get off my ass I haven’t even written a poem in months What’s up with that? And I mean this was the thing That I liked the best Now I cry and hedge and tell everyone I’m worthless

I don’t have any real ambition in writing this, I’m just Feeling like shit and I need to talk about it I’m so fucking scared all the time and I’m sick of it People are going to judge me I’m not ready for the critique It’s okay, this is just practice On unripe rhyme schemes And terrible, emotional themes So don’t worry, you won’t hurt my feelings I know I write shit

I don’t have any real ambition, I guess I shoved it back in a closet because if I left it It’d burst free and I’d have to clean up the mess: “All talk and no action” “All style and no substance” In there’s a big ego and it’s not going to achieve any less If I just let it go I wonder if they’d think of me any less Ha, I’ll just be the asshole I am Modesty is bad but what’s worse is hiding Or playing pity me I don’t need your sympathy Or your money I’m a whore for the adulation, not your company And in infamy Maybe I’d be Invincible I’d like to think that I wouldn’t make a mistake But maybe it’s too late: If hesitation is death I have one foot in the grave.

18 August 2015

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My dream is essentially to conquer the world and get (creative) shit done with my best friend. Too idealistic?

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You think you’re better than everyone else. I think I’m better than everyone else. We would be a perfect team, if only we didn’t think we were better than each other!

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Created a rant/extremely personal blog, @incendiaryblabble, follow if you wish! (Or care.)

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Where's that friend you can call at 5am when you need one?

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I'm anxious.