just a single mama doing her fucking best.

Lover of video games, music, art, psychology and the great outdoors. Domestic abuse and rape survivor, living with BPD, Bipolar.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

World Bipolar Day

[fadetoblk]

Kirk: It is not a sign of weakness to see a doctor when you’re depressed.

Rob: Every 11.9 seconds in the United States alone, somebody completes a suicide.

Lars: And remember, there’s nothing wrong with anything that you’re feeling. Depression is the most prevalent mental health disorder, over 20 million American adults suffer from a depressive illness in any given year.

James: You are not alone. I am listening.

Check out ImListening.org for broadcast and podcast information. #ImListening

[diaryofastupidwoman]

Dear Mommy,

[diaryofastupidwoman]

How it feels to slip into mania..

[diaryofastupidwoman]

So this is happiness...

I had the most amazing moment with my daughter today. We went to the swings on the playground. After a while of pushing her, I told her I was going to have a turn while she played on the slides. I sat down and started to swing. I looked over at her playing contently. It was a moment I wanted to replay over and over again.

I looked up and saw the most beautiful cirrus clouds and began to feel a childlike wonder overcome me. I started to swing into heaven. I plunged my entire body back and let the moment take over, like a friendly omen. I let go of my pain, anxiety, depression, my constant worries.. and I just actually lived in the moment. I threw my head back, laughing with my daughter. My hat fell off my head; which normally would interrupt anything I'd be doing (I'm a huge germophobe). I didn't even care. I kept swinging and laughing.

That enormous emptiness inside me filled up for just a moment.

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you know this void I speak of. I'm lucky enough that my daughter sporadically fills the nothingness. It's absolutely the best feeling in the world, but it feels quite like drowning to me. I cannot breathe, and I can't get enough of it. I never know when it will happen, and it lasts only a split second.

Afterwards, I was left feeling with extreme guilt. Why can't I always be like that? What's wrong with me? Is this what it's like to be normal? IS THIS HAPPINESS? If it is, that's who I need to be. For me, for my child. Then I go into that desperation spiral... What's not working properly with myself, my therapists, doctors and medications, questioning my identity, etc. and it's just absolutely awful.

I'm going to miss these years with her being young. I rarely have those true deep happy moments. When that missing piece clicks, right into place. When your face and stomach hurt from laughing. I'm afraid that those moments will dissipate into nothing as she grows, and my emptiness will consume me.

But, God was all that guilt and stress worth feeling that one fleeting moment of true fucking bliss.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

The friendzone doesn't exist.

More or less the story of my life with the opposite sex. You're not "nice guys".

Thoughts on the Friendzone

[diaryofastupidwoman]

Dear Daddy

I’m sorry for what consumes you, but I’m not sorry that you let it consume me too.

[especially]

[bpdandallofitsglory]

The Narcissist and BPD Relationship

Trying to maintain a healthy relationship while living with BPD can be tough especially with the constant ups and downs, but it isn’t impossible.One of the biggest struggles is people with BPD tend to be drawn to narcissists. Narcissists like using their vulnerability to feed off of and boost their ego, while people with BPD love receiving the attention and it feeds their need for constant love and reassurance. When this happens this is not a healthy relationship. However it happens more times than not. I myself have been the ego booster and it was the worst four years of my life. Between the constant cheating and the gaslighting it took a toll on me mentally. I stopped taking my meds. I began binge drinking because I thought that I was in love with him when in reality despite all of the horrible things he did he still found a way to show that he “cared.” It took a lot of strength but I pushed through and left. I cut off all contact with him. If you are going through something like this share with me. Sometimes it helps to just let it out. I am here. I care.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is by far the most painful relationship I have ever endured. Being my mother, I would walk through fire just to receive some kind of validation from her. She has ruined my confidence, my ego and driven me to suicide more times than I care to admit. And what’s worse is she stands above me laughing (literally) as I fall. When I am doing well for myself she puts me down or compares me negatively to my sister (GC) and has turned my only sibling against me. She has been trying to poison my own child against me too. If I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and try to reach out to my family she will manipulate the situation to gaslight me. I then end up on my knees kissing her feet for forgiveness (actually literally) begging her not to kill herself. I then am forced to feel guilty about wanting to reach out in the first place. She is always the victim of every situation. How dare I feel suicidal? How dare I be depressed? She’s the victim. Not me.

[puttingherinhistory]

I fucking hate the normalization of choking because:

You cannot verbally say a “safe word” when your supply of air is being cut off

Your brain isn’t rational when deprived of oxygen (this is well documented even in situations outside of strangulation such as altitude sickness) making it hard to give some kind of physical signal like a tap

If your partner ignores the previously mentioned physical “safe word”, the lack of oxygen makes it difficult to fight back

Choking (both consensual sexual choking and non-consensual as a serious form of assault) seems to be mostly men on women. Your average woman is going to have trouble overpowering your average man with her bare hands and this is only magnified by point #3

Lack of oxygen can very quickly cause permanent damage or death

If you get off on hurting people something is wrong with you

[puttingherinhistory]

It already happens that women are being put in serious danger because of not physically being able to say a safe word or fight back when their sexual partner is choking them

[puttingherinhistory]

Btw, there is no safe way to “choke” aka strangle someone.

And call it what it is. Choking is strictly speaking an internal event, something being lodged on the inside of your throat like food. Any external event that cuts off airways is strangulation. Putting your hands on someone’s neck isn’t choking, it’s strangulation. It’s only be rebranded as “choking” instead of strangulation to make it sound more palatable and less dangerous than it really is.

It’s possible to experience strangulation and show no symptoms at first but die weeks later because of brain damage due to lack of oxygen and other internal injuries.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

My ex-husband strangled me to the point I had petechial hemorrhages, on more than one occasion. 

He got off on it and would tell people what he did to me. While I did enjoy consensual rough sex, these were occasions in which I believe he had been trying to kill me. 

He has also tried to suffocate me with a pillow while strangling me during sex (let’s call it what it actually is.. rape). Afterwards I was forced to perform embarrassing acts, in which the torture marks turned him on. He would have explosive ogasms looking at the marks on my body and insist on looking at my face. 

I used to pretend I liked it, because when I cried he would just moan harder... and I’d have to swallow more cum.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

Burning bridges: my forte. Forgiveness: my second forte.

FML

[diaryofastupidwoman]

Thank You

Shout out to the only person whose ever been there for me. I'd be lost without you in my life. Thank you for keeping me grounded everytime I try to fly too high. Thank you for always having my back, even when I'm being a complete nut job. Thank you for never judging me. Thank you for saying you love me. I love you too.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

As someone who has BPD making boundaries and keeping them is hard for me. 

I will create one with my NM and she will manipulate me into crossing it. I will create another one with a friend who has consistently betrayed me for giving me the attention I so desperately crave. I will set yet another parenting boundary with my child and allow her to cross it because I want her to stop having a meltdown. The list goes on. 

I'm working hard on setting boundaries and keeping them, but this is highly difficult for me. I'm not making excuses. I want to be emotionally stronger, as this is draining my soul. 

The down side is that once the boundary is set and the person is upset about it, my BPD activates and the guilt kicks in. And the cycle repeats.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

"But have you tried taking deep breaths?"

No Karen.. I didn't FUCKING think of that!!

[diaryofastupidwoman]

Successful Parenting 101

When your kid says "GG" to her virtual JK class after winning the game.

[feministism]

[diaryofastupidwoman]

This has happened to me more times than I care to admit.

My daughter's father did this to me.

[diaryofastupidwoman]

First Post

I decided to start a Tumblr account anonymously because I have no one in my life I can be truly open and honest with. When I try to reach out to anyone for support not one single person has shown me any compassion or empathy. I have spoken to mental health professionals who either tell me things I already have tried or belittle me. My issues are dismissed and I receive no actual resolutions to anything. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar II. I have tried several medications. They make everything worse. I understand my triggers and can quickly diffuse the bomb before it explodes in (most) situations. The people in my life label me as "crazy" when I react to disrespect after being gaslighted over and over. My family is the typical narcissistic family tree where I am obviously the scapegoat. I am a single mother of one with no contact with the father. The toxicity levels are critical to me because my daughter (she is four) was recently diagnosed with extreme hyperactive/impulsive ADHD, ASD (high functioning.. so basically Asperger's) with ODD traits and anxiety. I have removed everyone from my life at this point. I feel completely misunderstood. The only person who has ever understood or supported me is my cousin. However her children face their own challenges and it's hard for us to see each other being a few hours away. I thought I would throw my feelings into a blog because reaching out to people around me isn't working.

xo