Diary of A Wife in Chaos

This is my personal blog that takes you on a journey through my life as a wife struggling to maintain a balance amidst chaos. I share my experiences and emotions as I try to manage my household, run my business, & navigate the complexities of my marriage. Despite the overwhelming challenges I face, I never lose hope and continue to fight for myself.

[diaryofawifeinchaos]

Diary of A Wife in Chaos

Welcome to "Diary of A Wife in Chaos," a personal blog where I share my journey as a wife trying to navigate life amidst spousal abuse. Through my blog, I hope to provide a safe space for others who are struggling with similar challenges and to raise awareness about the devastating effects of domestic violence.

As a wife, I have faced numerous challenges in my personal and professional life, including spousal abuse. I know firsthand the toll it takes on one's physical, emotional, and mental health. Through my writing, I hope to share my personal experiences and reflections on how I have coped and found strength during difficult times.

This blog is a space for vulnerability and candid reflection. I believe that by sharing our stories, we can inspire and empower others who are going through similar experiences. I hope to create a community of support, where we can share resources and insights to help each other heal and move forward.

I am grateful for this opportunity to share my story and to connect with others who are navigating similar challenges. I invite you to join me on this journey, to share your own experiences, and to find hope and inspiration in our collective strength and resilience.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to sharing more with you.

Keep shining,

D

[diaryofawifeinchaos]

Being the Problem

Because I don’t make as much money as him, he has concluded that my time outside of work is less valuable than his and I need to make up the difference in physical labor. As someone who works full time, is trying to build a business, and has to play chauffeur while he is unlicensed, I simply don’t have the time or energy to take care of everything else. He goes golfing, talks on the phone with friends and family for hours, and typically spends four hours each evening watching tv. If it’s a weekend, he’ll spend the whole day because “he earned it,” but I somehow didn’t.

Currently, I don’t have a college degree. I intend on starting school next week for a business degree, but until then I have to listen to his patronizing comments. He often feels the need to remind me that he has two Masters degrees in business, including an MBA. Early on, I attempted to use his “expertise” to write a business plan. However, he didn’t listen to me and created a plan for the exact business I don’t want. His plan was service based, whereas my idea was for a product. The last thing I want is to be at the mercy of clients.

He has stated multiple times that “we” will not invest money into my business - as if I have a choice. But, when he was away on a business trip, he nearly dropped a grand on a group of strangers for a dinner. Not even a legitimate investment. I confronted him about this when he got home. The project management program I need costs the same amount of money he boasted about potentially spending.

Last, but not least, this evening I stood up for myself. The evening started going downhill when he stepped on my foot. Instead of apologizing, he said I should be wearing slippers, indicating it was my fault. He then pointed out that there were dirty dishes in the sink from when the dishwasher was running. One evening this week, I didn’t clean up after dinner because I had too much to drink and figured I’d get it in the morning. Wouldn’t you know it, he woke up before me and took care of the easy to clean dishes. I was left with the ones that had food burned onto them. He held this over me as a reason why I had to move the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher. Maybe it’s because I never lived a day in my life with servants, but I thought you were supposed to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher once the clean ones are put away. I hate that he leaves extra work for me to do.

This week, his friends are coming and they need a place to stay. The guest room has served as a storage room for me since we have a small apartment. I have a lot of stuff. Though I’ve been going through it, there’s a lot. The previous incident with the dishes was a reminder of how little he values my time. The guest room is 90% complete. There’s a few odds and ends, but it will otherwise it’s okay. Without looking into the room, he comes into our bedroom and starts going on about how his friends are coming tomorrow and how the room is unlivable. This sparked an argument, which has ended with me sleeping in the guest room to prove it’s livable. He made a half-assed attempt to get me to come back to bed. This is the second night in a row we had an argument. Yesterday, it was because he kept pulling on my hand while I was holding my phone. Today, it was about nagging me to complete things I’m already working on. According to him, both incidents are my fault and his actions did not contribute to the arguments and he is taking zero responsibility.

The guest bed used to be my bed. Honestly, I’ve missed the lush pillow top that conforms to all the right places. Not surprisingly, he has a terribly uncomfortable foam mattress.

What I’ve realized from all of this is that I fucking miss being alone.

Keep Shining,

D

[diaryofawifeinchaos]

A Wall of Silence

We haven't really spoken since Tuesday. I don't even know why. His boss is in town, so we went to dinner with him and his coworker. I thought it went well, overall. I didn't bring up anything too personal. My husband tapped my leg under the table once to signal I stop talking about something, but that was it. We drove his boss and coworker back to the hotel, and once they got out, he was silent. With the exception of telling me to do something, he has been since. I tried to break the silence. Multiple times I asked him to tell me why he was upset. Nothing.  We came home and he went to bed without me.  

He's working at the office this week, instead of home as usual. Tuesday morning, I helped him get ready - filled his water bottle, made breakfast, packed snacks. Everything was fine. He wanted to be there around 8am, so I made sure I was sure to be ready to drop him off. He got a DUI before our wedding a few months ago, and I've been his chauffeur while he doesn't have a license. We texted a few times through the day. I was excited because I got accepted into a freelance writing program and told him about it. Not surprisingly, he found ways to rain on my parade then criticized me for adding it to my LinkedIn profile. Before I picked him up at the end of the day, I had to stop at his doctor's office to pick up some documents. This made me about 10 minutes late to pick him up. He also got on me for the path I drove him to work in the morning, so I had to show him how complicated the path he chose was to drive home. His car might as well be a boat and it's too big for city streets. I nearly damaged it proving my point.

On the way home he shared with me that one of his boss's referred to my sister as "creepy." For context, my husband invited his employers to our wedding as a way to show off. My sister has a mental disability and felt like she connected with this woman and her husband. From what I was told, they texted back and forth a few weeks before his boss ghosted my sister entirely. My sister had a lot going on, thought she had a new friend to talk to, and shared some intimate details about her life with this woman. I didn't know she had ghosted and he already told me to get my sister to stop talking to his boss four months ago. He's convinced anyone in my family speaking to people he works with will jeopardize his job. Turns out they haven't spoken in six months. This woman got in my husband's head about my sister being bad news and how getting caught up with her would just get him in trouble. This led to an argument where I got the classic "I told you so"... even though this happened before I asked my sister to find other friends.

Once we got through that argument and I was able to convince him that his boss was in the wrong (who holds on to stuff like that for six months?), he informed me we were going out. I changed my clothes and tried to style my hair. I liked what I did with my hair, but he made it clear he didn't. "What do you think of your hair right now," he asked with a shit-eating grin.

"I can't do much with it, but I think it's okay. Why?"

"Okay, sure. If you like it then... let's go?"

"What's wrong with my hair? You should let me know if it looks bad. I don't want to look stupid."

"No, baby. You said you don't like being told what to do, so I am keeping my opinion to myself."

"Dude, just fix whatever it is. Otherwise I'll be thinking about it all night."

He proceeded to comb over my hair in what I can only describe as a "classic Karen do". Then he kept asking about the jacket I was wearing. His implication was that I purchased it without his knowledge. I actually bought it years ago from a company that no longer makes anything other than swimsuits. I had to prove it to him by showing the tag and the company website.

When we were leaving, I asked him to confirm the address we were picking up his boss from more than once. He then decided we should stop and get his boss a gift on the way. There were no gift shops along the way, and the one he wanted was ten minutes in the wrong direction. After we determined there wasn't enough time, I asked why we didn't get something sooner when he knew his boss was coming for weeks. He just said, "Because I'm dumb," and I told him that wasn't an appropriate answer. Once we arrived at the hotel, his boss informs him that we are not at the correct place and gave us the address I had asked for. I have become more bold in my confrontations with him so he can see his own behavior. I pointed out to my husband that if this had been the other way around, him driving and me giving directions, he would have been livid. I was annoyed, but not mad. Even so, he opted to minimize my feelings. As we were driving, he started a bizarre conversation with me. He asked, "What is your greatest life accomplishment to date?" I know he was baiting me to say something along the lines of being married to him, but I was still annoyed, so I gave an honest answer. 

"My greatest accomplishment is failing to kill myself."

He used this as an opportunity to open an entirely inappropriate conversation about my suicidal history, which ended with him calling my trauma "garbage." It was another reminder of how out of touch with mental health wellness he is. 

Once his boss was in the car, the conversation pivoted, and now we're back to the beginning of this story. The next morning, we had a brief conversation. He was annoyed I didn't repeat what I did the morning before. "What? No breakfast?"

"You didn't ask. Besides, I thought we were leaving an hour ago."

"Didn't you hear them talking at the table? I don't need to be in until 9."

"Sure, I heard them say they were going at 9, but you didn't confirm that you were going at 9. Last we discussed, you said, 'same time tomorrow.'"

From there, he grabbed a granola bar, and I drove him to work in silence. The only other time he spoke to me was when he text me to let me know he got a ride home from his coworker, and decided to order food. I had an evening workshop anyway. For the rest of the evening he was on the phone with a friend, whom he had me talk to, and then watched tv in our bedroom while I tried to sleep. I have been working to get up earlier in the morning, but he does things to try and sabotage my routine.

Today is day three of stonewalling. The only words he spoke were to confirm I was taking him to work this morning. I specifically didn't play music in hopes it would prompt him to say something. I have plans with my mother this evening. I'm sure he will either be in bed or drunk by the time I get home. This round is sitting in second place as far as time unspoken goes. First place is still the time he told me my time is not as valuable as his, which is why I should take care of all the chores in addition to my forty hour work week. That's a story for another day.

Keep shining,

D