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vent blog. im the psychiatric issues haver

[diaryofthedivine]

Key to this system's fronters:

👒—Ida, host, she/her

🦕—Pas, persecutor/ex-host, NPD symptom holder, he/they/xe

🦭—Will, caretaker, he/him

🌫—Blurry/unknown fronter

[diaryofthedivine]

If Im utterly exhausting to be around imagine what it must be like to Be Me!!!!!

[diaryofthedivine]

just came up with a new concept its called guy who cant drive while emotional or else he will try to kill himself

[diaryofthedivine]

it doesnt matter how nice i am or how many kind things i do for people ill always be too much otherwise so whenever i really need it im always alone

[diaryofthedivine]

well if i exhibit attention seeling behavior why the fuck does nobody ever give me attention

[diaryofthedivine]

i dont wanna make myself feel better i just want today to be over

[diaryofthedivine]

im scared to get high again bc what if i like it too much and then i do the same thing again for the umpteenth time

[diaryofthedivine]

weird tolerance break thoughts so far: i have to be medicated and high all the time because if I dont im actually a deeply violent person and ill hurt someone

evidence for this: i punched a box once

[diaryofthedivine]

"you should take care of your body its the only one youll ever get" well see i tried that and then it fucked me over instead of helping me. so. i think maybe this body is broken and i need to trade in for a new one

[diaryofthedivine]

its crazy how no matter how long i go being happy or healthy something always happens that reduces me to a screaming mess. this time its dysphoria

[diaryofthedivine]

realizing that i hate my life because it is defined by artifical and temporary joys. what really matters and sustains happiness is the exact thing i struggle with which is people. nothing i buy or take to make me happy will ever matter in the face of loneliness.

anyway im still mentally ill unfortunately. didnt cure it by being cool

[diaryofthedivine]

nobody rver tells you how hard it is to think when youre just starting being sober. like endless fucking brain fog i swear

[diaryofthedivine]

this mortal vessel warps me and i can feel the laughter and rejection from the divine. an inescapable lack of control. am i a fallen angel? was this flesh a punishment? what crime could i have possibly committed to deserve this? i can never become more. i can never ascend. the concept of divinity waves in my face like a carrot on a stick but this body prohibits me from ever taking a bite. always something about me that will forever be impure.

[diaryofthedivine]

would be nice if someone fucking shot me through the back of the head rn. i hate this place

[diaryofthedivine]

its getting bad again

[diaryofthedivine]

not a vent but just yapping about life

Ive been feeling very swamped with work lately trying to up my hours and get myself into a better financial position. Ive been super late to work a few times recently and its been stressing me out wondering if something bad is gonna happen to my employment status. But I will just ignore that and continue jerking off all day

Testosterone has made me unbearably horny and since having sex with her... I feel very sad about the state of my relationship. I feel the ways in which I have withdrawn. Not because I am enamoured with her at all, quite the contrary, but just out of this continuous dissociation and worry I have in my heart. I feel worried, so I dissociate to protect myself from the vulnerability. Since I have a dissociative disorder this has just been happening about everything lately and its kind of getting old. I know I really need to get medicated for the ADHD which js incredibly bad and is one of the main reasons I cant take care of myself properly but idk.

And the sex was okay. I liked the first time a little more just because I think we had much clearer goals. I dont know if I want a repeat encounter. I am still happy with the result but I think I want more out of sex now that Ive had it. I want to have sex with a romantic partner and someone I love and I am attracted to. Sex with her was strictly "What if we did this?" and while she is a close friend she has been upsetting me and I feel like that sort of soured my view on it. Also during that second sexual encounter I wasnt really as excited and in the mood as I was the first time but I didnt want to lose the opportunity because of our work schedules. It was much less fulfilling than the first time. but still i am grateful for it. but I am just not attracted to her in the same way and the one person I am is locked inside my own head.

I really need to talk with her about what she is going to do while moving and how Ive felt a little bit taken advantage of. I hate to be so transactional and I enjoy being generous with my money but now that its getting much tighter I kind of cant be the only one paying every time we go out.

Im also getting extremely fatigued from fronting for so SO long but Im scared that if we switch my coworkers will notice and they wont want to be around us anymore. Ida is wonderful and so very beautiful but I also don't know how she'd dress nowadays. but still i cant front for years and years even though my goals have become the systems goals. i need her. but i dint know how to let go

Anyway writing this had made me feel a little less of the crushing weight of loneliness Ive felt

[abuzd]