I am going to launch this out there into the ether because right now I just need some catharsis. What I am about to write....I’ve never shared with anyone.
I was a late bloomer. My parents are religious and my best friend was a minister’s daughter. I belonged to 2 churches as a teenager.
I was horribly bullied in school. I was never “jumped” but I was teased and threatened all the time.
When I was 17 I started remembering some....things from when I was really little. I put the nagging thoughts into the back of my mind. They didn’t quite feel like memories, so it was a fantasy, right? I was making up a story in my head, right?
My bestie disclosed something to me that made me reexamine these dark shadows and I still came up empty. Even if it was true, what could be done now? As a college freshman, I had my first boyfriend, and as couples do, we were intimate. My first sexual experience. What I never told him was that I wasn’t sure I was a virgin when we consummated our relationship. I was so scared of whether or not my hymen was intact, I froze up and it hurt way too much to complete the act the first time. Sex was painful the first year we were together. I enjoyed it, I wanted it, but I couldn’t relax.
The dark shadows receded for the most part, because I didn’t have a clue what to do with the information. My life was mostly numb. My marriage was pretty good in some ways, but I was lost in it. I had a career that I thought people expected of me, and I numbed out with television for nigh on 10 years.
Then the economy tanked, we moved cross country and I came face to face with the emotional scars of my parental units. A narcissist for a father and a doormat of a mother. They provided me with everything, didn’t hit me, starve me, heck they didn’t even insult me.....but they put me in the middle, shattered any sense of emotional safety children need. I still can’t put into words the damage they caused. My abandonment issues began when my dad temporarily moved to another country the fall of my senior year, not even returning when my brother was committed for suicidal thoughts.
Trying to carve a new niche for myself, I went back to school for something I wanted. My self esteem improved, I was able to make friends, Things were looking up. Then my husband attempted suicide, I miscarried, and we lost our home due to a natural disaster.
Another cross continent move. I busted my back (literally...herniated discs) working 10 hour days while he went on mini vacations and would get pissed at me for bothering him for support while he was gone. So I pack my shit and disappear when he is on vacay to no where.
I move for my job, get divorced, start dating. Hypersexual. I meet a nice guy who ended up raping me. And my pandora’s box of crap opens again.
The shadowy memory from when I was really little.... A neighborhood teen gave me skittles from the Mr. Softee truck to bribe me from telling anyone....I still don’t remember the act, but I do know there was someone else there. I remember getting ill after running into him in the neighborhood with my mom. I looked him up on facebook. He has a business, a wife, and 2 little girls around the age I was when this happened. I know if he’s hurting them...its on him....but fuck its hard to think about. What am I supposed to do?
I don’t have a clear memory of exactly what happened, but I think your husband molested me when I was your girls’ age. Please be vigilant.
A fucked up chick across the country.
Other things happened to me as a child that disturb me.
I think I have CPTSD but I can’t talk about this memory. I just literally can’t bring myself to even begin. I have boundary and trust issues. I sometimes don’t know and cannot articulate what I want or need until well after a boundary is crossed then I feel resentful, abused, and blow up the person.
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