He hasn’t had much to do with me for 12 hours. I got upset because he left me outside a store like a stray dog. Not allowed to come join him inside and no keys to sit in the car or get a mask. He knew I was joining him. He knew I’d need a mask and he knew I couldn’t enter the store without one. I texted and texted again. I had him paged. I checked the car, the store next door, the bathroom next door, behind the store next door (the last place I’d seen him) and again checked the car, as well as call and text again. Nothing. He’s gone at least 15 while I’m left to wonder if he’s died somewhere. Then he comes out of the store, yells at me, hands me the keys and goes back in inside without another word. I go to the car and sit and wait alone until he gets in wordlessly with his books and we drive off in silence. A silence that will last the better part of at least 24 hours.
Wow. Great Daddy. But why am I surprised? He’s always been horrible to me as a husband and horrible to our kids as a dad...why would I expect any more from him as my Daddy? He tells me I should trust him and rely on him and he’s upset that I’ve never really needed him. Thank God I’m a capable person but he has to decide. Am I supposed to count on him, or not. He can’t have it both ways. He said he’d be my Daddy and take care of me. But he made it three days as my Daddy. THREE DAYS!
He’s been her’s for a year and she couldn’t be happier. Speaking of which he flat out told me he has a “great fucking time” with her. But I frustrate him. He told me she smells better, tastes better and is more fun than being with me. With her it’s nothing but roses and sunshine. With me it angry and yelling and hitting and silent treatment and frustration. He says he wants to be with me but the things he continues to do with her and refuses me says otherwise.
Did I mention he hasn’t cum with me the last two times we were together? But she’s so awesome he fucks her, cums and fucks her again. They have shower sex, meanwhile I cry thinking about how many times he’s done that with her compared to ZERO in the last year with me. In the last month, I could name so many times he hasn’t cum, lost his erection or didn’t even want to touch me (and let’s not talk about oral!). No matter if he has 10 minutes in her or six hours, he always gets off with her. And he drives 2-3 hours to do so while I sit at home and be treated like second (or third or fourth) best.
Three days. That’s as long as he could take it with me. But after a year, he’s still going strong with her (and after three years he’d jump at the chance for that other one...and same for any of his other repeats no matter how long). He said he might not be able to do that well for super long as my Daddy but jeeze three days. He’s spent more time that on a trip with Mindy. Why the *fuck* would the person with the lower sex drive be the one who spends six hours in a hotel room with someone else while the “higher sex drive” spouse gets ignored? Why?! I’ll tell you why, because just like before when he lied to me for years saying that he “never thought about sex”, the truth was he never thought about sex with ME. And now it’s the same thing all over again. He doesn’t have a sex drive with me, only with her. Just like he told me he didn’t like doing oral. He just doesn’t like doing it with ME. Also, he’s not bothered with four other women because he’s satisfied with her. But he’s not satisfied with me, as he continues to spend hours with her despite the toll it takes on me. (You tell me who he loves and who he tolerates.)
He even had the audacity to talk about how he’d help any lady friend even if they didn’t have a sexual relationship. I sent him a list of four things he could do to help me during a very stressful time and a week and a half later, I was having to do the things myself in order to throw him a birthday party. He did one thing half way! And two weeks later, he still hasn’t done the stuff.
He insists it’s all in my head and then turns around and admits how she’s better and he prefers her and how he’ll never give me the effort he give her. How on earth is someone who has given her life to someone supposed to just take it and be happy while he enthusiastically gives to her and ignores my requests. This is why I left him a year ago. And there have been a lot of days that I wish I would not have come back.
I’m supposed to put myself first but that’s a little hard to do as long as I’m married to someone who would rather give his time to someone else...anyone else not under the same roof. If he stopped the LS, he still wouldn’t appreciate me. I mean if he doesn’t appreciate everything I’ve been doing for him for 36 years, 25 years, 5 years, 3 years...he’ll never stop taking me for granted. And his treatment of me is never going to get better no matter how much he likes to make himself look good in front of other people.
Every excuse, he gives to me, I solve and he just comes up with another. We are at home instead of a hotel, so I get a hotel. The kids will hear, so I get a room across the resort. We don’t have time, so we go on vacation. He doesn’t remember, so I remind him. He doesn’t know, so I tell him. I make him think I want something else, so I’m very clear and specific. I don’t need him, so I become his sub, his CQ, his BabyGirl. He doesn’t like the hair, so I wax. He doesn’t like the taste, so I clean and only direct him there when I feel fresh.
She’s so enthusiastic, and yet that’s what I’ve been every day for over five years even after 36 years together, most of it being pretty shitty. He need to pee, so I make sure he starts there. He wants to finger me so I offer that. It’s a bad angle, the beds not right, he doesn’t have traction, there’s other people around, someone will see. He even told me he didn’t want bathroom sex even though I suggested it for years. But she wants it and boom! Add in elevator play and what other conclusion can I draw except that he’s just not that into me and she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him.
I know the facts...and all the gaslighting, excuses and abuse in the world doesn’t change that.
