[dieselsin]

Diesel

she/him/it/. name is Diesel. the pictures you see above is essentially what I look like in one form.

this blog is the embodiment of my cptsd just as a coping mechanism through fantasy.

its mostly: venting, my story laid out in details, my trauma/life journey and updates, traumacore artwork; the atmosphere is gloomy, dark, grim, intense.

I don't recommend anybody under 18 to interact or follow i only follow 18+ and will befriend anybody 21+ as I'm 23.

Ko-Fi

gofundme

my fantasy story about my character that lives within my head:

A humanoid that can shapeshift into a dog-beast or hellhound:

long sharp dark gray claws

black eyes that cover only the iris

electrical black and dark blue energetic shields brought out at my own will

large canines and ripping incisors

need for blood and meat - a hunter

speeds of up to 100 mph, inhuman strength and eyesight of 340 degrees and 20/1 vision- able to smell a target from thousands of miles away and track them down with ease.

quick healing abilities - can take great damage even from shotguns or snipers

you can't find me. I will disappear on you and you will never find me again. once im gone- im gone for good.

my foes do not yet understand the depth of what they’ve summoned in me

who I am is forged in trauma, tempered in violence, and sustained by an almost inhuman will to survive. At my core I am the embodiment of endurance- I am an enigma. Every facet of my being is defined by resistance: to betrayals done to me, to the gods themselves, to my permanence as a demigod. hope is within my bones and it's an undying fire- I can't stop the feeling that I'm meant for more here.

I'm a creature that's ancient, spectral, and soaked in the scent of metallic, like iron or copper- silent but a keen watcher, eyes burning like coals buried deep in ash...

I am not okay with what they've done. And I will not let this one go, not until the scales are untilted.

complex ptsd

dissociative disorder

psychotic

-

religious trauma survivor

csa survivor

sibling abuse survivor

witnessed a murder when i was only a small child of someone i loved

parental + sex trafficking trauma survivor-we were brought to multiple pedophiles outside of the family system as a young child exposed to a lot of horrific and violent events me and some other kids went through

this blog will be offensive and triggering - proceed with caution. pro-recovery only.

[dieselsin]

i cant believe people believe in spirit guides that's the stupidiest fucking thing ever.

[dieselsin]

you dont have to have the perfect excuse. just stop talking to them

[dieselsin]

You're allowed to talk about your own personal experience. If someone takes that personally as an attack on their character and decides it must erase their experience, that's on them not on you. Different people can experience the same thing differently. If someone gets hateful toward you for the fact that you just shared an experience, that's emotionally invalidating and abusive. It shows a lack of emotional intelligence on their end.

[daddystinygirll]

the traumatized urge to over explain things so that i'm not misunderstood

[dieselsin]

my mold lab report came back (certified official lab, chain-of-custody form, can be used in courts) and it said there's an overgrowth of mold in my abusers house. and this report is now being uploaded by my doctors online for my health history and causation of my diagnoses. i also have multiple complaints toward the house owners saved as evidence.

[dieselsin]

"The report showed Category 5 (very heavy) growth in your HVAC vent with Cladosporium + hyphal fragments.

That means active mold growth right at the source of your indoor airflow."

It's a heavy overgrowth my pedophiles are rich and have more than enough money to remediate it.

legally i can fuck them over for this

[dieselsin]

my mold lab report came back (certified official lab, chain-of-custody form, can be used in courts) and it said there's an overgrowth of mold in my abusers house. and this report is now being uploaded by my doctors online for my health history and causation of my diagnoses. i also have multiple complaints toward the house owners saved as evidence.

[dieselsin]

text reads: [the darkness will come in a flash when you take your last breath… and maybe then all this suffering will be gone]

[achillesinhighheels]

[dieselsin]

never have i ever mentioned these things but i'm going to buffalo, ny in the future maybe even next year and i'll just tell them i'm in a different city like Utica, ny or something. so many people, so many apartment complexes my abusers wont be able to find me and i'll be in buffalo anyway. i cant go rural yet i need to establish a life outside of my abusers first and then i'll go rural

[dieselsin]

there's a broken part in me where you left me to bleed where you left me.

[dieselsin]

i just want to see my real family

[dieselsin]

i wonder who they are. what are my parents like? the real parents i have. i hope they're gentle, kind, sweet, empathetic, vulnerable, open-minded to foreign experiences and peoples lives, and understanding of everyone they come across. i hope they're like me. i hope the only reason they have to give me up was perhaps the fact that my mom and dad were too young, maybe living in bad circumstances and didn't feel they could fend for me so they took the 50/50 shot that i'd be with a good, happy family..

[dieselsin]

[dieselsin]

huge tw for CSA details and infant CSA: apparently my adopted father and mother raped me the day they took me home from the hospital when i was only a week old. my father licked my parts and i always had a bad feeling about this in my body but i was too young to remember and almost everybody knew about this except me for so long but now i do, now i learned in my 20s what my pedophiles did.

[dieselsin]

[dieselsin]

i always feel at home in the mountains or the country/rural areas honestly big cities typically aren't my thing but i know most of my friends from high school who didnt stay in this city went on to larger city life/night life type locations and i cant get with that but i miss them dearly. i have never felt more at home than in rural destinations.

[dieselsin]

im a little too obsessed with death