digging for bones

[anorexercise-deactivated2016022]

[digging-for-bones-blog]

i want to be like this again.

when i was at my lightest weight, my lifestyle was incredibly different

i spent most of my time working with three other girls choreographing an aerial dance performance for the live arts festival.  the training we put ourselves through was incredibly intense, 9-noon monday, wednesday, friday, saturday, sunday.  in the beginning, i would buy some sort of carbs at the train station and eat it along the way.  but i stopped eating breakfast a couple of weeks in because i found it unappetizing and realized i didn't really need to eat before dance.  i would just drink coffee and sometimes didn't even do that.

when i stopped eating breakfast i was usually quite hungry for lunch after rehearsal.  but on a few occasions i left feeling too dizzy and nauseated to eat (my role in the dance involved hanging from a rope connected to the ceiling by a swivel, ie LOTS of spinning). i remember one day coming home around 2, walking into my kitchen, looking around and thinking i don't want any of this. i don't mind being hungry and that was that

for the rest of the summer i patiently and happily starved, running on constant happy endorphins from my mornings of either intense dance or teaching gymnastics, afternoons of biking with friends, nights of either rock climbing or aerial classes at the circus school in my neighborhood. 

i was hardly even sore because i was sore so often sore stopped feeling like sore, it just felt like neutral

like beautiful

[a-krasia-blog]

[unknowncolours-blog]

[beautifulurself]

[digging-for-bones-blog]

be free be happy

just got home from the gunks an hour or two ago, sweet weekend of climbing. met a few great people, got to speak french with two of them which was yummy and unexpected.

i love the way that climbing energizes you - feeds your soul so that your stomach can't complain. i typically don't eat much during the day when i climb, just a small breakfast (ie oatmeal) and piece of fruit or two in between climbs. it's uncomfortable to climb with a full stomach, not to mention distracting. conversely, eating a full meal right around the time of the setting sun after a long day of climbing on an empty stomach is one of the most divine feelings, especially when you share it with the people you climb with

i'm only consuming water and small amounts of fresh juice until dinner. i need to burn up some energy that's been aimlessly hanging around inside of me. fasting helps me let go of emotions that have been weighing me down, and my insides are definitely in need of some healing. my heart hurts! feeling so attached to this blue-eyed boy i've been seeing who lives near the gunks, he's beautiful and such a strong, intelligent climber but my emotions towards him are becoming far too intense. it's overwhelming and distracting. i'm seeking balance, harmony and freedom, and though head-over-heels romance can be perceived as beautiful, i am starting to view that kind of attraction as detrimental to the self.

my body is a temple my mind is a prayer rug

[lipstickjunkiex-deactivated2021]

[cris-tal-blog-blog]

[legitbro]

[sydloc-deactivated20131123]

[mo0nduzt-deactivated20240606]

[wildgrowers]

[wildgrowers]

[anorexercise-deactivated2016022]

[digging-for-bones-blog]

being-frank:

Our bodies are art. Create, don’t destroy.

^ word!

[digging-for-bones-blog]

yoga vs peanut butter

welllll shit!

apparently it's just as dangerous for me to have peanut butter flavored foods in the house as it is to have peanut butter itself - to which i have an obvious addiction. it got so bad at one point i would leave jars of peanut butter in my friend's houses, so that i could have something to eat when we got the munchies. part of this is because of the veganism - they'd be munchin out on pizza rolls or fried eggs or something, then realize i couldn't eat any, then offer me something shitty like potato chips which i would refuse and then we'd both feel awkward. i felt pressured to eat junk food that i found appealing, which is where all the jars of peanut butter came into play. but that was a couple of months ago, when i was climbing super hard (ie, starving all the time) and also super frustrated with myself. now i'm done with that shit, i only want to give my body love, so what the fuck is up with the binge i just experienced?

immediately after a super beautiful yoga practice, i stumbled in and found myself eating sooo much more of this peanut-almond granola. i don't know why i am not satisfied with normal portion sizes, it drives me bonkers.

when i think about it, at least this granola was homemade and fresh, rich with prana. on the otherhand i can feel my insides gettin all gooey, they're like - "what! there's more of this stuff? why??"

i think i'm gonna fast for the rest of the day, nuts and grains are so super full of nutrients, calories, proteins, and fats that i literally don't think i'm going to need much else to eat today. possibly excluding some orange mango nantucket nectar......

it's okay, though. i'm packing a bowl as i type this, gonna chill out, forgive my brain and its silly cravings, and then i'm going to pack again, this time my climbing pack. headed up to the gunks for the third weekend in a row, gotta climb some rock ya know

despite being all clogged up with peanut butter, my soul is smiling!

[14fingers]

[hallucihoop-deactivated20140127]

[digging-for-bones-blog]

hallucihoop:

Complete bliss :)