Hey, I don't know how many people actively read my blog, so this post may be in complete vain but it's worth a shot. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. It's not as if no one's willing, but anyone I have tried to talk to (boyfriend, family members) doesnt really understand. Okay, so, some background: My younger sister used to be very thin. She took dance until she was about 14 or 15, so she are whatever she liked but maintained a really slender figure. She was a lot smaller than me, I weighed 210 and she was probably 110-120, and constantly made fun of me. I started losing weight around the time she quit dance. She continued her diet, but because she washt exercising, over about 2-3 years probably gained 50 lbs. It wasn't until last fall, when I was at my lowest, both weight-wise and emotionally, that she decided to start being healthier. At first it was no big deal, as I was still maybe 30 lbs less than her, I worked out more than her, ate less and more healthily than she did, etc. It was like this until a couple months ago. She found out she had a thyroid problem and got on meds, and also became vegetarian, starter being very vocal about her caloric intake/weight loss. Meanwhile, I continued to gain. So, now I'm at this point where I am bigger than her which feels AWFUL. I feel like I'm back in my childhood, the fat sister. I no longer feel safe. She is probably my biggest trigger right now. I have a huge desire to put an end to my misery and just completely drown in my ED behaviors so I can become smaller than her as quickly as possible. But, even though I am not emotionally/mentally in a recovery state, my weight Gail has resulted in a lot of physical benefits. I don't know how to handle this situation at all and I really need some help. I can't control what she is doing, and that makes me feel very frantic. I deem the only thing over which I have control is my weight, so I'm inclined to just focus on that so I can feel safe again. I'm also very upset because, put very immaturely, she is copying me. I am vegetarian and have been for years because I care about the animals, and she just adopted this lifestyle 2 months ago and is telling everyone that its been a year and that she has the same reasoning as me, though she only did it to have a reason to restrict her diet. She told my close friend that she has the same problems as me, specifically that she chews and spits her food, which is something I don't even do anymore and if I did, it wouldn't really be my biggest ED problem. She even started wearing some of the things I used to wear. She used to call me a "bulimic slut", persecute me for swearing and leaving our religion (the insults were brutal and relentless) and I've found out that she is sending nudie pictures to people she's met online and doesn't go to church/believe in the religion anymore. She tells people that she is a "free thinker" and "open-minded", when she is the most close-minded, judgmental person I have ever known. So, on top of all this, she is basically cultivating a little eating disorder for herself. I hate to say it because its so unhealthy, but bulimia is MY thing. Obviously it's not a good thing. It's not something that I want to define me, but it is MY struggle, not hers. I am the one who got teased by every single person in my family, I am the one who has to deal with that pain. I'm the one who has never been thin. It's MY problem, it's not hers. She has no reason to do this. She only got fat because of her thyroid issue. Honestly, I would feel better about her weight loss had she just taken her meds and eaten normally. Instead, she's eating 50 calorie dinners and being SO VOCAL about her workouts and weight loss and her newest obsession with vegetarianism/thigh gaps/hip bones/visible ribs. It's so hard for me to be around her, and I've just moved back in with my mom, so she is now around me 80% of my life. I woke up this morning and she is in the kitchen, measuring out her berries. I come out of my room again and she's in front of the mirror, working out. Here I am, with this new fat body. I just feel a total relapse coming on and I don't know what to do. If any of you have ever dealt with a member of your family getting an eating disorder, whether its a genuine one or a really annoying proana type deal, please share with me how you dealt with it. If you haven't had this happen, and just have done helpful advice, I'd also appreciate that. Thank you :/
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