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hypocrite .ᐟ mari ibarra

♱ mari can be a brat sometimes. she used to think you bossing her around was annoying, but not anymore…

♱ cw; slight!nsfw, making out, violence, antlerqueen!r, enemies to lovers, shauna (love her tho), long fic, mari deserves a little sugar after that brutal ahh 86ing bro…

deep in my enemy i find the lover; pierre corneille, the cid (tr. by a.s. kline), 1636

mari ibarra has made a lot of enemies in her lifetime. but only one succeeded into her barren life post-crash. you made an unbearable life even harder to bear, so she swore on her short-coming life to make yours just as difficult to live.

“is that really how you want to live, mar? on her bad side?”

as much as she didn’t want to admit it, you had a point. mari always prided herself in the ability to not give any fucks, but lately, even she’s felt the true pressure of shauna’s fury.

rolling her eyes, mari lied back. “i can’t just let it go.”

you scoffed, “why not? ‘cause your ego’s gonna be a little bruised? ‘cause you have to apologize? grow up, ibarra.”

“why can’t she just not be a psycho? it’s not fair!”

you pinched the bridge of your nose, your other hand resting against your hip. you glared down at the sunbathing filipina, sighing deeply. she was such a stubborn girl, and for what?

still, nat and lottie urged you to mend the broken bridge between shauna and mari before things turned awry.

luckily, if there was one person mari listened to, it was you.

“that’s my point--! you can’t reason with psychopaths, so for your sake, stop poking the bear.” you hissed through gritted teeth. “now, i want you to go to shauna’s hut and apologize.”

she rolled her eyes, lips pursing into a defeated pout. she lifted an arm to shield her eyes from the sun--and from you.

“shauna. apology. now.” you repeated, crossing your arms.

with a theatrical groan, mari propped herself up. you watched as she grabbed her shirt, slipping it on whilst glaring at you. still, you weren’t budging, and she wasn’t happy about that.

as a last attempt to get out of it, she stopped in her tracks to look back and argue. your sheer glare was enough.

ugh, even being stranded can’t abolish your moral rights.

even stranded in the canadian wilderness you had to be the captain you were. god, you were what jackie thought she was.

in a way, mari admired how the wilderness hadn’t changed you. it was comforting. oddly enough, she liked the comfort.

“and stay out of trouble, for god’s sake, mar. i mean it!”

what she didn’t like was the way you chewed her ass.

the only person who knew how to push buttons better than mari was her mother. in a way, she learnt her unbeatable skills from the best. but there’s still a long way to go, that’s for sure. nobody got on mari ibarra’s nerves the way her mother did.

a figure she wouldn’t mind shedding with what the wilderness took, it irked mari to no end, the talent you so often fostered with the ability to mother her. she was never one to take things as trivial as a soccer strategy or a simple “soccer captain’s” instruction personally, but something about the way you were clouded in an aura of arrogance--of unwavering confidence in yourself and your way of leadership. it was like you thought--nay, you knew--you were better than her.

god, it pissed her off to no end. stupid golden girl, y/n l/n.

“i just don’t know why she always has it out for me, y’know?” mari whined, dragging the spoon in circles around the stew brewing in the pot. “like, that psycho almost chews my hand off, and i have to apologize?”

mari had been complaining for nearly half an hour. and, boy, was her whining getting super old, super fast.

melissa and gen shared a knowing look at the filipina’s apparent frustration with your orders; it was obvious, your affection for the troublemaker--and the only person left in the dark about it seemed to be mari herself. you may have had an odd way of showing you cared, but it was rather transparent.

“and, it’s like, hello? does she not like me or something--?”

“--oh my god, enough with it, mar!” van interrupted. the redhead clutched onto the bucket of water sloshing in her hands. “you’ve been going on and on about y/n, dude. we get it, you want to jump her bones, now shut up!”

the outburst earned a few hushed giggles around camp.

flustered, mari scoffed, the spoon slipping form her hand.

“what?” she laughed, as if it were the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard, “seriously? i would never! like, i don’t even--!”

“well, sorry if i’m reading your mind wrong, but y’know how boys bully girls they like on a playground? yeah, that’s you.”

that’s a funny joke, like mari ibarra could ever like a girl.

“you’ve gotta admit, mar, you’re like… a little obsessed.”

mari couldn’t muster a scoff loud enough to channel the disbelief she felt for what just got uttered from melissa’s mouth. her? obsessed with y/n l/n, the antler queen?

“obsessed with what?” you emerged from your hut.

mari felt her heart drop to her stomach. her frantic gaze shot up at melissa immediately, watching the blonde’s face contort with the lie she was formulating in her head.

you stared, cocking your head as you waited in question.

“uh--well, mari’s been obsessed with this… new recipe she’s been cooking up.” melissa shot mari a wide-eyed nod, as if wordlessly beckoning her to play along. “right, mar?”

the filipina nodded sceptically. “yeah--yeah! i added some new herbs akilah’s been growing. it’s really good.”

you nodded along, but your eyes narrowed. “okay… well, try not to pull another misty shrooms trip.”

van had to suppress the biggest eye roll threatening to escape her, a harsh elbow from tai thrusted the antic straight back up her body. you were just such an uptight, prudish party pooper when it came to mari. it was jarring, almost.

“well, great,” you added, shooting the raven-haired girl a brief smile. your eyes meeting hers. “good job.”

eugh, you could cut the tension with a knife.

mari’s cheeks involuntarily heated up, she blessed her skin tone for shielding her fluster. she felt stripped under your gaze.

“uh--thanks.” she managed to utter. she sounded so stupid.

as you strolled off to speak to travis sitting in the corner, not without one last smirk flashed at your favourite troublemaker, gen immediately swatted mari’s arm with a hushed squeal.

“oh, come on, mar! you can’t tell me there is absolutely zero sexual tension between you guys after that, i was scared you were about to start stripping right then and there.”

mari clicked her tongue, “shut up. you guys are fucking dumb.”

“hey, you wanted to grab some ass, right? i mean, it’s not coach’s ass, but it’s still a pretty good one.” van snorted. the statement earned her a harsh nail to the stomach by tai’s elbow once again, this time, she doubled over with a groan.

“i mean, what’re you so annoyed for anyway?”

mari paused; what was she so annoyed about exactly?

“yeah, if you’re that upset, maybe stop pissing her off.” tai suggested curtly, shrugging. “stay outta shauna’s pants.”

“or, you guys can…” the redhead made a bed creaking sound, along with making lewd gestures with her hips. tai groaned, the shove knocking into her shoulder came much harsher than the last. still, it didn’t cease the hysteric fit of laughter coming from van. “hey, fuck the bitchiness out of her, y’know what i’m saying? come on, mar, we’re sick of you complaining!”

mari faked a gag. “stop. that’s actually disgusting.”

van let out a theatrical gasp. a hand clasped tightly over her chest. “is--is mari ibarra… homophobic? by chance?”

“what?” she spat, scoffing with a baffled grin. “i’m woke.”

“yeah, we’ve seen the lingerie mags you stash between the man of the month calendars, mar,” gen teased, smirking. “and i know your ass has been checking y/n out since provincials.”

sure, mari has snuck a glance or two towards the sweaty, curved figure standing in front of your cubby through her locker mirror. and yes, she’s caught herself biting her lip to keep a lewd noise from escaping her when you go absolutely ham on an orange, as juices dribble from your plump lips to your chin, during a halftime once. but come on, everybody’s found their soccer team captain hot at least once, right?

surely, that’s a normal occurrence for everyone… right?

“i wasn’t--y’know what? you people are psychopaths.”

grabbing her yellow team hoodie, she began strutting away with faux confidence. her “fight or flight” instinct left a couple smug grins to bask in her afterwords, they could only watch the filipina stutter in her step when she slipped past you and nat chatting. you could only stare at her diminishing back at the odd way she exaggeratedly avoided you with her body.

“oh my god, she’s so gonna cave tonight.” van scoffed.

“meh. mari’s self-esteem is pretty silver-plated. i give her… a week before she cracks.” tai rebutted.

gasping at the objecting raise, the redhead straightened up.

“wanna bet?” she wagered, pressing just the right button.

“oh, you know i’m right, palmer.” like the girl would ever back from a challenge. “what do i get when i win?”

“my god, these two are insufferable,” gen mumbled, strolling off. melissa closely followed suit. over her shoulder, she yelled, “keep the eye-fucking in your hut, fucking horn-dogs!”

honestly, you haven’t the slightest clue why mari ibarra was avoiding you like the fucking plague. you have a guess or two, but none of them justified her walking the other way.

after the odd conversation you stumbled in on yesterday, it was like there was a huge elephant in the room you couldn’t quite make out. it was beginning to bug you, the teasing glances thrown here and cheeky comments mouthed there.

it was driving you fucking mad, being outside this inside joke.

first, it was breakfast. as the others ate, you went around doing checks making sure everybody had their tasks laid out for the day. when you approached mari to inquire about her plans for rationing the material you had for dinner, she wouldn’t even let you get a word in before speeding towards the meat hut.

then, chatting to tai and nat about the shauna situation in your hut, the flow of conversation was harshly interrupted by unmistakable whining from outside. leaving your hut to see how you could help, you volunteered to help out with starting the stale fireplace when mari was cussing it out. you didn’t even manage a step outside before mari quickly yanked robin from her corner by the animal pen to come help.

sure, she was stubborn, she would complain and whine into your ear about how she could handle herself, but she never refused your aid. and that was strike two on your scoreboard.

at dinner, the lot of you discussed the logistics of throwing a festival to celebrate those you’ve lost, and to honour their sacrifices upon fallen victim in return for the greater good of your wellbeing. you absolutely adored the idea.

the next couple days were devoted to preparing the camp for festival de el faltered, as van named it. being the pair of eyes that oversaw every nook, every detail crammed in the crannies of things needed for this event, you barely had time to think about the mari situation. you could only thank all the gods she was keeping herself out of trouble with shauna, it has surely added some years back to your life.

the atmosphere was so positively charged tonight; everybody had taken a break from wearing each other down and focused on dressing the part for the night’s feast.

the fire was low, dancing in sputtering bursts, casting flickering shadows over the girls’ faces. they’d strung together something like a festival--someone carved antlers into a stump. someone else braided dried flowers into crowns, van called it “a doomscoming rerun,” and mari added, “if homecoming was held in hell, and the theme was trauma.”

you didn’t disagree. but you were glad to see some colour returning to the troublemaker’s persona.

you stood by the edge of the clearing, arms folded, cloak heavy on your shoulders, watching the others drink something vaguely alcoholic and wildly questionable from hollowed-out gourds. dinner was nearly ready, and you could feel the aura of frustration radiating off the filipina as she fought misty for cauldron duty. she then stormed off to the side, upon lottie stepping in to take over after an instructive glance from you across camp. she sat by her hut, sulking.

you knew mari had lengthy challenges with authority--from martinez, to scott, to nat, and now to you. something about somebody seizing power over her entire being unsettled her deeply, and it triggered the impish, troublesome reflex you had the great displeasure of putting up with.

but it was your realm of responsibility. you had no choice.

you don’t enjoy mari’s company, per se, but you had never minded it. she, on the other hand, made her irritant known.

"y’know, if you wanna stare any longer, you should take a picture,” nat commented, taking a seat beside you. she rested her elbows on her knees, tilting her head to watch you recollect yourself after being caught staring. “when’s the wedding?”

“knock it off,” you barked, like an order. “she’s acting weird.”

“mari?” the brunette inquired, head snapping to catch a glimpse of said filipina brooding by her hut. she couldn’t resist the scoff that escaped her. “what? did she make six ‘your mom’ jokes instead of seven today?”

“forget it. i’m probably just overthinking it.”

“no,” nat argued, “i’m just messing around. talk to me.”

you recalled every little moment that felt off to you the last two days--yeah, okay. you had been managing her. because mari, left unattended, was a blunt knife--dangerous in the dumbest way possible. and ever since she started clashing with shauna over anything, everything just got tenser. the group needed harmony. and harmony meant mari shutting up, making nice, and not dragging the whole camp into another silent civil war.

because here’s the thing: mari had always been a pain. always looking for something to dig her nails into. but lately, all that fire wasn’t just anger. not exactly. sometimes she’d get in your face about a decision you made like rationing or assigning chores--and her voice would get low and hot, and you’d catch her eyes dropping to your mouth like she hated the way you talked but wanted to taste the words anyway.

sometimes she'd flinch when you touched her arm, like she wasn’t sure whether to slap you or drag you into the woods, a slight detail you never noticed she had around the others.

it was like you physically repelled her, like your fingertips scorned her skin at touch. it was truly disheartening.

so yeah. you were over her attitude. and she was over your everything. which is why it was weird when she hadn’t snapped back at you or made a snarky comment once.

and tonight? it was like she wasn’t even trying to piss you off.

“she hasn’t snapped back at me or shauna the whole day.”

“isn’t that a good thing?” nat snickered, watching your expression closely. “i mean, this is what you’ve been praying for, right? for mari to get off your ass?”

“yeah, but,” you stuttered. it just didn’t feel right. something lacked in the air without your constant bickering, without her stubborn remarks. “i don’t know, something’s off. i feel it.”

“why not just enjoy the peace?” the italian commented, “it’s a good change of pace. and now you’ve got one thing crossed off your list of things to worry about.”

“yeah,” you muttered back, “yeah, you’re right.”

you prayed the way mari’s behaviour was bugging you wasn’t made obvious to the team. you weren’t exactly up to explaining yourself every time you were caught staring.

unluckily, nat wasn’t the last to catch your unsubtle efforts.

"so how’s the wife?" van asked, making her way over from the table set-ups. she grinned as she nudged you with her elbow. she nodded toward mari, who was now dramatically picking dried petals out of her soup. “trouble in paradise, perchance?”

you didn’t answer, just raised an eyebrow. seriously?

“she looks mad,” the redhead added. “like you forgot your anniversary or something. i mean, look at that pout.”

it took everything in you not to look. you found it hard to tear your eyes away from the filipina--her lips were pursed in frustration as she watched misty stir the pot, sulking with her arms crossed as she barked at whomever strolled close by her seat. you were almost… jealous? why was she suddenly snapping at and being mean to everybody, but you?

“maybe y/n didn’t tell her she looked pretty in her freaky ass necklace,” nat said, mock serious. “classic mistake.”

you rolled your eyes at their antics. “very funny.”

but that didn’t stop the teasing smirks. and it didn’t stop the tension you’d been trying very hard not to name. especially since mari has yet to let you within ten feet of her being.

“what? is our little old y/n upset ‘cuz her wifey’s mad?” van pouted theatrically. “maybe if mari got a little kiss from little miss antler queen, she’d have less of a stick up her ass!”

van’s taunting words echoed behind you as you propped yourself up to walk away. what has gotten into them today?

“hey! that’s cheating!” tai hissed, taking your place between nat and her girlfriend. “i said no nudging. you’re nudging!”

van held her arms up. “i’m not nudging, i’m just suggesting!”

“you can’t push y/n into it so you win your bet, mari has to be the one who gives in.” the taller explained, crossing her arms with an eyebrow raised. “so it won’t count if y/n does.”

“what? you’re totally making rules up.” van groaned.

“oh my god, you two are both idiots.” nat snickered.

after the odd little back and fourth with your teammates, your thoughts plagued your every waking moment: were they right? did they have a point? was mari acting weird because of something between the two of you? no--nat was right: enjoy the peace while you had it, it was precious.

so, you focused your worries on aiding others around camp.

helping akilah finish her routine tending to the animal pen, you had your ceremonial robe tied tightly around your waist, the sleeves of the shirt you had on under rolled up to your shoulders as you dodged the mud the pesky lambs soiled you with their lively, galloping hooves. it wasn’t ideal, to be painted in dirt right before an important dinner you hoped would bring some colour back on the team’s faces, but akilah needed help, and you weren’t about to let her be swamped alone.

when you finally emerged from the pen’s gates, you were damn near sweating through your shirt. with your hair framing your glistening features, you went to rinse your hand of any clutter before dinner. unluckily for them, a pair of curious eyes found themselves trained directly on your appearance.

god, who gave you the right to look like that all dirty?

“so this is what it is, hm?” her head snapped up. “ogling l/n?”

it was like second nature, the way something in mari instantly switched to atone to the offensive tone. like a cat arching its back, alert, bearing its teeth at the threat coming its way.

“wouldn’t you know, gaywad? we all know you had your tongue so far down jackie’s throat, you tasted jeff’s stds.”

shauna’s smirk fell, her fist clenching as her jaw locked.

“really tryna lose the other hand too, huh?” she sneered, nodding down at the filipina’s bandaged fist.

“why? you tryna get fingered, shipman?” mari pressed.

whatever measure you had ensued to prevent the volcanic eruption of the shipman islands dissolved in mere seconds. already treading the brink of its own fragility, the thread drawn between the two seemed to fade when shauna threw a heavy fist into the younger’s jaw. the crack rung across camp.

“what the f--shauna!” you yelled, pouncing to your feet.

“call me ‘shipman’ one more time, ibarra, i fucking dare you.” shauna growled, thrusting the girl down against the laid table, knocking over dent cups and filled bowls. precious food from gen and rachel’s hunts soaked into the hungry soil.

okay, that was it. they had successfully driven you over.

you knocked the entirety of your weight against shauna, like you once did in soccer, thrusting her away from mari. tai and lottie scrambled to hold the feral woman back by her arms, sneering at the struggle they had keeping her down.

you huffed, standing between a bloodthirsty shauna and a timid mari, whom laid on the floor, stunned.

“seriously?” you scoffed, glancing at the fierce eyes staring back in challenge. “the two of you had to do this today?”

"oh, look," shauna said, loudly, jerking away from the girls’ hold. "here comes the queen saving her fucking princess.”

"hey!" you barked, sharp, warning. “get your shit together.”

but she was already going, and there was no stopping the chain of venom spewing from the brunette’s mouth. "should i bow? or is it just enough if i sit down, shut up, and smile pretty while you tell me how to apologize to your fucking minion?"

the silence was brutal. even van didn’t have a quip ready.

"another fucking word, shipman," you hissed, calm only in volume, stepping closer. “you won’t speak at all.”

"give it up, i’m not your lackey in this fucked little game. and i’m definitely not going to be mothered by someone who thinks wearing antlers makes her better than the rest of us."

you stared at her. she was red-cheeked, breathing hard, hands clenched like she wanted to throw something--or maybe grab you by the collar. and for half a second, the world tilted, because yeah, there was rage, but underneath it: something vulnerable, of fear. after all, she was the one being cornered, stubbornly bearing her fangs at the queen the herd obeyed.

it was your duty to protect your flock, and that included those who strayed--pains in your ass like mari ibarra.

you left shauna’s taunt unanswered, with no response. instead, you huffed, turning away to peer down at a panting mari. you reached for her hand, yanking her up swiftly.

“everybody gas put a lot into tonight. i’m not letting your temper ruin a festive evening.” you announced, dusting the filipina off. you could feel shauna’s eyes burn holes in the back of your head, but quickly cooled by mari’s breath against your skin as you rubbed a speck of dirt from her cheek. you glared at the brunette over your shoulder. “tonight, we feast. but the moment this is over, the two of you are paying for the shit your childish little tantrums have costed us.”

swiftly, knocked-over food were getting cleaned. shauna was quick to storm off and sulk in defeat.

you sighed, hands on your hips as you watched her disappear into her hut. you glanced at mari, who gulped at the weight of your piercing gaze fixing on her solely. “you okay?”

she cleared her throat, “no, yeah. i could’ve taken her.”

you chuckled in amusement, watching her avert her gaze as you held it. “she had you over the table, mar. i don’t think you could’ve taken her with another pair of arms.”

she fixed her hair, the rogue strands of hair framing her face.

“she caught me off guard--! whatever, just forget it.”

“no, you stay right here.” you ordered, gesturing before you.

her feet halted instinctively, a natural reaction to the tone you nestled in the simple instruction. her mind raced, scolding at her own legs for listening so obediently.

“when i told you to stay out of trouble, i meant it, ibarra.”

she rolled her eyes. oh my god, are you really schooling me?

“hey, watch it.” you snapped, the gentle edge to your tone honed to pierce her arrogant facade. “just because i’m trying to keep this night about the friends we’ve lost instead of whatever petty shit you and Shauna’s got going on, doesn’t mean you can give me that nasty attitude, yeah?”

“okay, jesus.” she huffed, tip of her thumb dabbing lightly at the blood trickling from her nose. “i didn’t even do anything, she came over and fucking punched me in the face.”

you watched her fingers pick at the cut, hissing sharply.

“stop touching it, moron.” you scoffed, slapping her hand away lightly. she hated when you called her names; idiot, dumbass, dummy--you never held back when it came to making her lack of wisdom/maturity known. “follow me.”

you grabbed her hand, keeping it as far away from the fresh, gushing cut as you could. your hands were warm from working with akilah all afternoon, the faint tone of your back peaking from under your shirt. she felt greedy for looking, like she was about to slap herself for even thinking such thoughts.

and what thoughts were those exactly? good question.

in all transparency, mari could barely make it out herself. they were all tangled and morphing together like some fucked little fantasy cloud. swallowing her nerves didn’t seem to do much about the butterflies desperately thrashing in her stomach.

shit, the way your arm was flexing? no, it’s the hand hold, the way your fingers were weaving into hers. y’know what, it’s definitely the sweat glistening off your skin right now.

whatever it was, mari was feeling much less annoyed with you and much more annoyed with herself.

did she really think--eugh--y/n l/n was hot right then?

“gen, can you grab me a damp cloth, please?” you called, shooting the nodding girl a tight-lipped smile. you sat her down, hands pushing down her shoulders. “sit.”

“dude, i really don’t need you to--”

“stop talking for once, will you?” the snapback was immediate. you undid the robe tied around your waist, setting the festive piece down. “if that gets infected, you won’t be able to eat, drink or speak. which, i wouldn’t exactly complain about, but i know you’ll find a way to whine about it.”

gen handed you the shred of towel, standing behind you, watching, as you grabbed the filipina by her chin.

caught off guard by the sudden contact, mari jerked away from you grasp, feeling her cheeks flush with a sudden surge of heat. your fingers reached for her chin again, holding her head in place, her skin flushed hot against your fingertips.

“stop moving.” you muttered, dabbing the towel against her lips. over your shoulder, mari caught the teasing smirk gen was flashing her. still, she obliged, stilling her head.

"jesus," gen muttered under her breath. “just kiss already.”

when you snapped your head back, she was already strolling away, you caught the panicked wide-eyed from mari.

“what the fuck was that about?” you questioned, still lighting brushing at the cut on her face. she grimaced, but you could tell she was wracking her brain, finding an explanation.

“nothing--! it’s nothing, ignore her. she’s just drama-deprived.”

“god knows we have enough of it.” you sighed, a subtle jab at mari’s hand in the incident that had just unfolded. “look, i have some things i want to gather for jackie. i want to make tonight about her. will you do me this one favour, mar? please?”

mari always wondered if you and jackie’s relationship were ever purely platonic, but she could never make out if it was a justified suspicion, or her subconscious envy talking.

you were the golden duo, captain and her first mate.

shauna may have been jackie’s day one, but you were writhing in her palm. you had a questionable loyalty to her.

jackie wants you to keep mari in check? done.

jackie wants you to make mari do suicides? say no more.

jackie wants you to bench mari? aye aye, captain.

despite being the kinder of you two, you were somehow stuck with the bad cop title, always the captain kicking people off or telling sophomores off. jackie was the one lining them for her infamous compliment mirror exercise, the one giving the pre-game pep talks and leading the prideful team cheer.

but alas, platonic or not, jackie was obviously an important figure in your life, and her passing undeniably devastated you. arguably, much more, much deeper than the way it wounded shauna. you held no resentment, no twisted malice buried deep at the root of your connection.

you loved jackie. and she loved you. mari wish she could experience the delight of having someone care for her being.

but then, all she cared about was the fact y/n l/n was begging.

she nodded, her lip tucking into her mouth as she gulped.

you smiled, a tight-lipped, polite one, but a smile regardless. “if you were ever gonna get your shit together, this would be a good time.” you cleared your throat, “see you later then.”

mari’s eyes snapped to her, wild, and watched as you turned on your heel, sauntering off to your hut. your back defined and poking through your shirt, the robe swinging around your hips.

“the captain’s down bad,” van said, sipping from her cup. she smirked at the aghast expression from mari. “just saying.”

“more like down right mad,” she muttered, “did we just see the same interaction? ‘cuz i think she wants to strangle me.”

van shrugged, pursing her lips. “same thing.”

“oh, for--are you assholes ever gonna drop that?”

van chuckled, tilting her head to make out the sour expression on mari’s face better. "what? you gonna pretend that didn’t just happen? you did that little lip bite thing.”

the filipina tensed, yanked the rag off her skin and winced.

"what are you talking about?" she muttered.

“the mari move. when you’re really into someone, you bite your lip.” van stepped into view, arms crossed, one brow arched like she already knew the answer. "besides, she bitches at you but then fixes you up like a personal nurse.”

mari rolled her eyes and looked away. "she always acts like that. it’s her antler queen duties or whatever.”

"mhm," van said, like she didn’t believe a word. "she only acts like that with you. i’ve bled so many times around here, but she hasn’t patched me up once. not a single fucking time.”

"cuz tai’s always hounding you like a guard dog, lesbo."

van walked over, crouched beside her. “no. because you drive her insane. because you actually like her attention.”

mari flinched like she'd been slapped. “i don’t--that’s not--i don’t let her do anything. she’s the one with control issues and is always looking for an excuse to yell at me.”

"yeah," van said. "and you live for it. you two can’t go three hours without a showdown. you know what that is?"

mari didn’t answer. didn’t move. she didn’t want the answer.

van raised an eyebrow, cocking her head aside. “oh, come on, mar! don’t play dumb now, just bone the woman!”

"i--i don’t even like her," she stammered, but it sounded weak. curse her stutter, she hated when it’d slip under pressure. "she’s--she’s cold, she’s bossy--she’s always watching me like i’m doing everything wrong. like my fucking mother.”

van smirked, but there was something sad in it. “yeah. and you notice every time, don’t you? when she looks at you?”

mari’s chest ached, burning in her. her mouth opened like she was going to argue again, but nothing came out.

“look, mar.” van stood up, stretching her back. she rested her hands against her hips. “it’s okay. but you have to stop kidding yourself and be honest about what kind of game you’re playing. and who you’re playing it with.”

the redhead patted her shoulder, squeezing it firmly.

the cut on her lip throbbed, but not as much as whatever was turning over in her stomach. she thought about the way your fingers burnt against her skin, the way your eyes hadn’t left her face, even after the cut was cleaned.

the festival bustled with the most energy the camp has seen in a while--you let yourself sink into the chatter, the lively atmosphere engulfing you. the camp square was decorated with paper lanterns and torched sticks that kissed the quad with a gentle glow. a long wooden table was laden with a feast that seemed nearly impossible in your situation: roasted deer meats, fresh fruits, honeyed grapes, wild greens tossed with fragrant herbs. your chest swelled with content.

you settled into your seat at the head of the table, the crown robin had made with a fowl skull hung heavily on your brow.

the weight of the antlers stemming from your head rung familiar. you assumed the role of antler queen casually, as you did every day. a role you honoured it, embraced it so you could learn to embrace your friends too. but the way their eyes all fell on you, expectant, anticipating and waiting for your speech with bated breath, you felt monopolized by their worshipping.

“tonight,” you began, voice steady despite the tremor in your hand as you clutched your makeshift chalice, “is a celebration of life. to remember those who walked beside us.”

like we didn’t choose them, skin them, then consume them.

“to coach, rachel, laura lee, crystal, and javi.” you announced, pausing fir them to marinate in the silence. “and to jackie, who was my best friend. she was my light, my anchor, my family. and every day i get to help this team live a little longer, and live a little better, i carry her with me.”

the table fell silent, glistening eyes fixed on you as your own fell to the swirling fermented berry water in your hand. shauna stared blankly ahead, unable to meet your eye.

“jack, i love you. i hope you’re here with us, in the warmth from the laughter to the quiet moments, and all that in between.”

you held up your chalice. everybody followed suit.

“to our friends, and to this crazy dinner you beautiful suckers managed to pull together.” you chuckled, “cheers.”

glasses clinked, chatter broke out as the first drink broke. you fell back into your seat, smiling. but as the feast carried on, a hollow ache remained lodged in your heart.

around you, the noise only grew as the evening progressed. forks scraped plates, glasses clinking, voices rising in songs and stories. yet your gaze kept slipping away from the food towards the edge of camp, where the fire’s glow met the dark woods. you tried to taste the steaks and the rich stew, but every bite was bittersweet. the occasion just saddened you.

no one seemed to notice your sorrow except mari.

mari sat a few seats down at the near end of the table, her curious eyes never left you. something in her unsettled at the bottom of your stomach, knowing she wanted to reach out and hold you, to remind you that you mattered, that you deserved to be loved the way you loved jackie.

throughout the dinner, as the others immersed themselves into the joyous festivities tai had planned (and van hosted), mari’s fixation on you grew obvious to those around you.

with jackie hung heavy in your mind, you hardly noticed the pair of eyes burning holes into your skull.

as the night stretched on, the feast faded into a blur of voices and laughter, but your sadness stayed sharp and clear, a cold thread running through the warmth around you. you tried to push it down, to be present, but the memory of jackie clung to you like a shadow. you didn’t even yell at travis and lottie when they had started bickering about some tea the maui girl had brewed earlier that day. which was where mari drew the line.

she was being good, like you had instructed her, like you had ordered. she wasn’t feeding shauna’s rage, and it took everything in her to keep herself from spitting every snarky comment that came to mind. it was impressive.

the festival’s lights flickered in the darkening sky. the crown they had made for you grew heavier as the fire died, you were growing tired, your neck sore from bearing its weight. you lifted it, cradled it gently off your head, glaring at the details etched into the fine bone. it was beautifully disturbing.

you lingered long after the fire had started its slow death, amber coals pulsing like a weak heartbeat under blackened logs. the snow came down heavier now, catching in your hair, in the corners of your mouth, but you didn’t move. the cold felt earned. deserved. just like how she had died. you let yourself get lost in the thought of how she’d still be here, sitting beside you, if you had just told shauna to swallow her godforsaken pride and called her back in like you wanted to.

behind you, some huts glowed faintly, light seeping through the tiny cracks of the stick exterior. most were probably fast asleep, with some exceptions giggling or chatting like things were okay. everybody pretended it was, none of you liked looking each other in the eyes too long, especially not with the knowledge of how some of your friends passed.

you heard the crunch of shoes against dead leaves before she had to say anything. the sound of her uneven breath stiffled.

“you’re not, like, writing poetry or some shit out here, right?”

her voice was light, shielding the layers of uncomfortable confrontation she was so unwilling to face head-on.

you scoffed, a pathetic attempt at a chuckle. “not yet, no.”

she shuffled to stand beside you, back of her knees hovering just over the log by the fire pit. she stood close enough for you to hear every small movement, but just far enough to give you space. you don’t glance up at her, staring blankly at the crown in your hands. she finally opted to sit after a moment’s silence.

“good,” she sighed, tugging at the hem of her shorts, “i’m not in the mood to hear some emily dickinson shit right now.”

you don’t even try and laugh this time around, but the corners of your mouth twitched. that was just the thing about mari--she always said the most outlandish shit to get a reaction, especially when she was uncomfortable. and when she was uncomfortable, that meant she cared.

“go back to your hut. it’s getting cold out here.” you said.

“well, van and tai’s hut are right next to me, so i’m not exactly feeling like falling asleep to dry humping.” she glanced around, sucking in a sharp breath, “figured i’d switch it up.”

you loved that lame excuse she was trying to muster, but you’ve heard enough “i can’t come to practice, i have cramps” from mari to know when she was lying.

after a beat, she added, “also, you’ve been doing that whole tragic lone wold thing all night. i figured maybe you got stuck in it or something. like… emotionally.”

a chortle escaped you. “that’s your way of asking if i’m okay?”

she shrugged, feeling her cheeks warm. “what? no, i--shut up! this is why i never ask about anyone’s stupid feelings!”

“no, i appreciate it.” you assured her, fumbling with the crown in your hands. “i just… don’t know how to miss her right.”

mari swallowed thickly, internally debating on whether or not to push further. “what do you mean?”

“i don’t know, i just… i never stop thinking about her.”

she watched your side profile for a moment, taking in how the distant hut lights lighted the softest edges of your features. she blew out a breath, “yeah, well. jackie was kinda the worst.”

that made you huff, more out of surprise than anything.

“i mean, she was pretty and popular and definitely had main character syndrome, but she was also a huge bitch. and you--“ she paused, biting back her pride, “you put up with a lot more shit than the rest of us. co-captain and all.”

you held the crown up, finally sparing her your attention.

“this should’ve been hers.” you let it fall from our hands to the gravel with a soft thud. “she’s the captain. not me.”

“she could barely hold a bucket. you literally built a village.”

“i didn’t do that. you guys did that.” you shook your head, glancing around at the civil hamlet thriving since winter. “all i did was wear a stupid crown to keep nat from dying.”

“no, we built it all because you keep the peace around here.”

she poked the side of your arm, you sway with the push. your eyes fluttered shut, letting out a genuine chuckle.

“did you seriously just tell me i keep the peace? you’re the reason i need to do that.” you nudged her back with your knee. and for a moment, both pairs of eyes wander over each other’s features for a second. when you catch yourself staring at her biting her lip a breath too long, you looked away, clearing your throat. “you’re a pain in my ass, y’know that?”

she pursed her lips, and in a sulky tone, grumbled, “you should be thanking me. i’m giving you a job to do.”

“no, you’re adding to my already tough job, mar.” you corrected quietly. stubborn as ever, she looked away, letting her gaze drift out towards the edge of camp. she toyed with her hands, picking at her nails as the gnawing at her bottom lip intensified. and you watched her, just like you had the last couple weeks. except this time, you didn’t curse yourself for pouring so much of your attention on her, you took advantage of the opportunity to really take her in.

she doesn’t speak, afraid she’ll say something she can’t take back if she let the venom spill. she knows you’re right, she always has. she hated the feeling of being wrong.

so, like always, you take the high road. you submit to her.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean that.” you muttered, reaching out to grab her hand. “you know i don’t mind you.”

it sounded more… wrong than it should’ve, but it felt so right.

“yeah… god knows i love when you yell at me.” the semi-joke was out before she could rethink her choice of words. when she realized what she had said, you were already blinking; that was the closest she had ever came to sounding sincere. she pulled away from your warmth, crossing her arms. “this is so embarrassing, i’m gonna lose all my street cred.”

you shifted towards her, so the distance closed once again.

“street cred? for being a pain in the ass?” you teased, smirking. your hand fell into her lap, squeezing just above her knee to reassure you were only joking. her leg tensed at the action. “don’t worry, mar, that’s how i know you love me.”

she waited for you to move, for your hand to drop from her thigh so she could let out the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. but it didn’t, it stayed just where you wanted it.

“i--i can’t do this.” she shot up, shoulders shrugged up. “i’m glad you’re okay, but i should probably hit the hay.”

you cocked your head aside, made aware of the sudden change in atmosphere. you grabbed her hand, wanting the moment to stretch just a little longer.

“no, please.” you pleaded, eyes wide and glossy. “stay.”

you waited, her fingers struggled in your palm. she slowly sunk back onto the log, you don’t tear your hand away, instead, you wove your fingers between hers. and it was like you could hear her short circuit at the contact.

you turned towards her, free hand grabbing her chin. frozen, she panicked, just as you leant in.

you didn’t kiss her like it was urgent, like you were two teenagers rotting away in the canadian wilderness. it was simple, quiet, your lips pressed firmly against hers. her lips were cold and a little chapped, but you couldn’t savour that feeling any more when she kissed you back.

when her hand found its way under your hair and cupping the back of your neck, it was like one of lottie’s nature spirits had taken over you; only, they weren’t offering spiritual guidance, but instead some much-needed release of the building tension between the two of you. and thank god for that.

from her straddling you over that log, to you lifting her from your lap with her legs wrapped tightly around your waist, to you practically waking up the entire camp with the way you hustled and bustled towards a nearby table, you were just intoxicated. all you could think about was mari ibarra, and not the petty, selfish little asshole that usually dragged rainy clouds over your sunny day, but a desperate, whiney brat whimpering at just the taste of your lips.

clasped between you and the table, she could only hold onto you, grabbing at your shirt, tugging at the antler queen chain around your neck. you groaned into her jaw, teeth grazing her skin just enough to leave your mark.

you were damn near about to split her in two on that table, before unwelcomed interruptions made themselves known.

“wow--! this is just a new low.” gen snickered.

“come on, man, we eat on that table.” melissa groaned.

“see? no nudging needed.” van smugly remarked, earning herself a harsh elbow in the stomach from her girlfriend.

“so does that make mari our antler… king?”

“shut up, quigley.” shauna huffed, “at least now we all know exactly why the bitch keeps getting off with nothing.”

you sighed, shaking your head, but you couldn’t help but smile at the position you found yourself in. mari, on the other hand, seemed much more transparent with her embarrassment. she yanked at the collar of your shirt, covering her flushed cheeks with it before you waved the gathering crowd off.

“okay, nothing to see here, everybody go to sleep!”

“yeah, you ain’t ‘bout to do much sleeping, huh?” tai snarked.

hm. maybe not.