[dimmingcuffs]

tell children the truth about the world

so when they are faced with ugliness, they will come prepared

[dimmingcuffs]

if you don’t casually discuss militia tactics by and for BIPOC against white supremacists, are you even family?

[ethiopianshifta]

Daily life in Aksum, Ethiopia.

[dimmingcuffs]

hagerey 😍

[dimmingcuffs]

existing can feel tiresome

even when you are only present for parts of the show

arriving to reality like

where the fuck have I been

why are my feet sore

my arms achey

my chest heavy

my shoulders tense

sprinting the track of my memories

my nightmares

begging it to end

but neither wanting to land there or here

not wanting to land at all

maybe if I just float away for a while

sleep for a while

we can all pretend this was a dream

[the-book-diaries]

“I am too full of life to be half-loved.”

— Ijeoma Umebinyuo, Questions for Ada (via the-book-diaries)

[dimmingcuffs]

fuck the trauma that led to ten more

and I ask myself

how did we end up here again

you can never get the same cold twice they said

but I’ve always been sick

[dimmingcuffs]

my teeth feel like glass

thin, cheap glass

clacking against one another

release release release

my lips tremble

holding onto the tension

swallow

silence

never released

but quiet for now

[dimmingcuffs]

After dreams night 1

You asked if we were completely over. I didn’t know I had another option. Did I have another option? yes, we’re over.

He tells me he’s speaking to a nurse. A nurse, nurse, nurse. Was I not nurturing enough? Ok, good for you. Look strong, sound strong, fuck. He’s talking to a nurse.

My sister has a friend over. I’m sitting on the couch. Meet her friend. Ok. Fuck it’s D, his ex. I don’t question how, but now I understand.

Shorter, smaller, prettier, put together. I get it. I’m the joke, the exception. Sick of being the exception.

He takes her out to lunch. He misses her. She’s got a boyfriend. He doesn’t care. He misses her.

[dimmingcuffs]

pushing my feet forward through the soil I so firmly planted myself in

convinced you could never love all of me

how you could not see my intention to give myself fully to you sliced me upward navel to chin

love is not free I reminded myself

why do you continue to spend yours where it will never be returned I screamed to no one

why do you spend yours where it will never be returned I ripped my vocal chords screaming to myself

have I grown comfortable in the wounds that cover my body

hibernating in the scars left on my arm from times I forgot to hide how much I really hated myself

searching for the change I convinced myself I made when the scars faded into the equilibrium of my skin

lights off

what pain, I ask myself

[dimmingcuffs]

i want to run

i just have no home to retreat to

[dimmingcuffs]

my body

a shield between my fragile soul and the greasy fingers of the takers

the bruises of my contenders penetrate layers beneath my skin

some managing to puncture through to my heart

the roundness of my thighs, the bulge of my limbs

scar tissue makeup from the lessons I never was supposed to learn

decisions I didn’t make

safeguarding what’s left of the person i was supposed to be

[dimmingcuffs]

I dreamt of the time you smiled at me in the rear view mirror

Exchanging sweetness in secret

[dimmingcuffs]

I’m afraid of:

Never being good enough

Hurting the people i love unintentionally

No one caring

Having no one to care for

Always caring too much

Never finding what I’ve been seeking

Silence

Noise

Myself

Living

Dying

Existing

[dimmingcuffs]

I left the house to forget what I was feeling

Only to find

Pain is my shadow even in the darkness of the night

[dimmingcuffs]

the energy that pulled me to you

it wasn’t the drugs

it wasn’t the sex

i was reeling

i was afraid

id lost faith in good between every no he heard as yes

the purple handprint across my cheek i covered in 13 layers of foundation the night we met again

the night I believed that if it was you nothing could hurt anymore

nothing hurt anymore

the night I met you

[dimmingcuffs]

Looking for clarity in silence

searching for my destination between the blurred lines of our exchange

Potting myself in the soil of hope I thought was certain with every kiss

Rooted now

Withering

Wondering where to go from here

[dimmingcuffs]

looking for the words to describe how deeply i feel your pain

feeling like my chest contracting inward

like my ribs crumbling into the pit of my stomach

like my mouth watering before i throw up but I never throw up

like my icicle fingertips lathered in glistening sweat

like stumbling forward as I miss the step in front of me, losing depth as I stare into nothingness

falling to my knees in the steaming tub, to pray that a god I never believed in wraps you in her warmth, holding your fragile pieces together as she whispers everything’s going to be ok

telling myself

everything’s going to be ok