Since 2014, the 30th of March marks World Bipolar Day to raise awareness about the illness and show support for those that struggle with this condition. March 30th was painter Vincent Van Gogh’s birthday and it is believed that he suffered from bipolar disorder during his lifetime.
Today, I spent seven hours at my job completing various tasks related to promoting our upcoming mental wellness festival and helping our team stay organized leading up to the big day. For this event, I’m naturally overseeing the food; I solicited in-kind donations from local businesses and successfully secured 300 servings of salad, 100 lunches for our volunteers/committee, and 360 bottles of Reed’s Ginger Soda (plus peanut butter ginger chews, whatever those are..). The representative I contacted at Reed’s offered to support any and all of our upcoming events because he believes in our cause – unfortunately his sister died by suicide many years ago.
After work, I spent seven hours at my favorite cafe/bar in Long Beach to help out at a pop-up dinner event hosted by one of my best friends featuring a menu composed of the favorite dishes of famous writers. I’m never really sure how to introduce myself at these events. I guess I’m sort of an event generalist; I help him out with back-end planning, promotions here and there, and also float between the kitchen and front of house during the pop-ups. A good friend of mine who also moved here from San Diego loyally attends these pop-ups and we shared a free-flowing conversation that touched on various hilarious and thought-provoking topics. Several of the folks in my community organizing group were at the cafe as well working on upcoming campaigns, so I checked in with them to see if I could help. Some of the leaders discussed some ideas about addressing mental health issues in our community and I’m excited to help develop ways to promote self-care for social justice advocates. Throughout the evening, I learned a lot about working in the kitchen and with other people.
Every single day my mind races from thought to thought, nonstop. On good days, the thoughts are ideas for the various creative, educational, and spiritual projects to which I contribute. On bad days, these thoughts consist of anxiety, panic, self-consciousness, regret, and insecurity. On the worst days, my mind plummets to hopelessness and I don’t want to be here anymore. Almost always, the last song that I heard replays in my head until the next time I listen to music.
This is a day in my life as a graduate student during Spring Break. I was supposed to complete my master’s program this year, but am taking an extra year because I got very sick exactly two years ago and was eventually diagnosed with a chronic condition - bipolar II disorder. At first this was pretty devastating, but I’ve since learned how to manage my symptoms and it helps to understand why my brain/moods fluctuate the way they do.
I’ve written so many posts similar to this, but left them unpublished. Disclosing this about myself is very scary because there is a very real stigma, full of misconceptions about this health condition (please just Google a trusted source, I’m not here to be your Psychology teacher. At least not today). I am sure that some of you reading may have been taken aback reading the word “bipolar” in the context of my life. It’s common that people associate that word with me being a crazy, deranged person. This is why, sadly, I feel like I needed to include the second and third paragraph of this post to prove that it is possible to live a productive and meaningful life while living with a mental health condition.
I know I can be talkative, seem flippant, inconsistent, or unkempt at times, but I have faith that I am making a difference and that every part of my struggle has a purpose. I also know that the offbeat way my brain works is what allows me to spend 14+ hours straight creating a life that I love while surrounded by compassionate and talented people. As I share my story, I hope it encourages others that are struggling to reach out for help, whether it be talking to me or someone else you trust. I’m an open book and know of plenty of resources if anyone has any questions, even if it’s for someone else that concerns you.
The last two years, Spring Break marked the onset of really bad depressive episodes that lasted months through the summer. I am so determined to not let that happen again. I have a wonderful support system here in Long Beach, back home, and sprinkled around the world. Prayers are always appreciated, too. I’m not sure who even reads this anymore, but I wish you well.
If God got us, then we gon’ be alright.
Do ya hear me? Do ya feel me? We gon’ be alright. <3
PS: Here is the article on Huffington Post about World Bipolar Day written by another female of color that inspired me to write one too: http://huff.to/1qldGHp
