"theres never enough and it always goes too slow"
after years of asking and barely making a move about it, the universe has finally granted my wish of teaching at the language school where i was a student (albeit not in the same branch). have been slowly losing all my love for teaching throughout the semester and every sunday when i've got to sit down and put pen to paper on the week's lessons i can feel all the energy being drained out of me and my anxiety spiking. have been procrastinating the corrections and even the system filing from how bored and demotivated i've been. not even the two years i worked at a catholic school were this depressing and draining.
i know i've got to quit but the number of private students i have are not yet enough to keep me afloat, specially now that i don't have a roommate anymore (but also, thank god for that one being gone! oof). feeling a little bit very much lost right now.
it has been so demoralizing that for the first time in a decade i've put in question my skills as both an english teacher and speaker. over ten years teaching and i'm actually considering a career change. i keep trying to tell myself it might just be the school i'm at now - we used to be affiliated to another language institute before this year - bc i don't particularly like any of the staff, have many qualms about my coordinator and truly feel like some of the other teacher shouldn't be around kids, but alas.
it might just be the universe calling me in other directions. can't stop thinking about studying astrology and numerology more in depth. can't stop complaining about the lack of time i have for my writing. have been yearning for more time at home to build a proper routine.
i'm done with leaving home at 8am and only coming back at 9pm. I'm done not being able to cook my own food because I only really stop working after ten pm and by then it's not feasible to cook when i need to up again in the early next morning. i'm done having to cater to a bunch of spoiled middle-class kids who think themselves rich. i'm done letting parents and my soft-ass coordinator gently bully me into molding how I do things to avoid confrontation with parents.
i'm just so so so done. but then again if i don't go after more students and don't build myself a better income i can't really just say fuck it and quit between semesters. not to mention my never-finished graduate course just slowing sizzling in the back burner. i wanna do something else, i don't wanna have to deal with working so much on weekends anymore.
and i've been so so good at rebuilding myself and my life these past few months. this past month, in fact. a month and two full moons since she's been gone and both me and the house look like someone new. i might be slacking on my post-class duties but dog have i been clocking in on the fix my life factory.
changed bedrooms and put up all my poster back on the walls along with new ones. moved around furniture and redecorated the living room. have three boxes full of miscellaneous shit to be donated. have reorganized both book shelves in the office completely. deep cleaned the kitchen. have written like never before, finally being able to keep a daily journal for the first time in probably all my life.
taking better care of myself, taking my meds and going to the doctor monthly. painstakingly following my skin treatment even when i don't feel like it. have been eating full meals at least five times a week, sometimes twice in the same day. feeling happier and prettier about my self. therapy's been going great, as well.
truly feels like the thing I thought i've always wanted isn't all it cracked up to be after all. feel like crying and throwing at tantrum because HOW. WHY. everything i had been aiming for, so many daydreams where i truly honestly believed everything would fall in its place once i was working here and now.... well, as incubus is so poignantly singing to my ears right this fucking second "you should be careful what you wish for"
