I’ve never been one for hiding something.
Usually when I’m feeling a certain way, it’s written on my face, or so I thought. I thought, that when my blood sugar was low, I was clearly shaken, or when my blood sugar was high, people knew I felt like crap for a reason, but the other day I learned that’s always the case.
I’ve written on here about how this disease is invisible, and my experience at work the other day made me realize it’s more invisible than I even realized. Now of course my co workers don’t watch my every move, they don’t listen for every beep from my cubicle, but at the same time, I’m around them for 9 hours a day and from my perspective, I’m an absolute wreck at work half the time, haha.
My one coworker who I sit next to, and my boss who sits behind him, both said some things that just completely changed how I think about my diabetes at work. My one co worker, who I’ve worked with for the past 4 and a half years, asked me if I ever get low or do I really need to eat in an emergency like fashion. I laughed after I heard what he said, because I was licking my fingers from a Twix ice cream bar that I just shoved into my face because my bg was at 65 two minutes ago.
My boss then chimes in, “Kyle you must have really good control. I have to relatives with type 1 and they crash and feel horrible all the time”.
Thanks I guess? (For one I hope those people are ok) but I guess…I’ll take it, but it’s crazy to me that two people who I work with, who I sit next to, and one who I’ve been working with since almost the beginning of when I was diagnosed, have no idea how I’m feeling in a daily basis. Now of course, I don’t particularly want them to know, but I was just so taken back that all the times that I’ve been shaking at my desk, all the times I literally bolt out the door for lunch, all the days I’m drooped over on my desk, and all of the ways my blood sugar shows, it’s still not obvious to others around me.
Sometimes being so alone in your head (my blood sugar is 85 right?) can mess with reality (did I test before getting on the train?) and when we think things are completely obvious, (wait, did I test before typing this post?) they really aren’t at all. (Ohhh I did test! 85!) It’s weird, but these thoughts, and the way your body feels on the outside, (I’m gonna get a donut this morning 😊) aren’t synonymous with how we appear to others.
To others your sweat could be just sweat, your face scrunching and holding your face in your hand could mean you’re just tired. I think even the people who know, don’t assume it’s always diabetes kicking you in the nuts, and that’s a beautiful thing. Would you rather want people always attributing the things you do to you dealing with diabetes? Or would you want them to treat you like another human being who also happens to have a disease?
I feel like I’ve gotten off track here, but hey, gimme a break it’s been a bit since I’ve written here!
Our disease isn’t always invisible. Pumps show, scars show, needles, glucose meters, beeps, and clicks are heard. I’ve never been concerned about people knowing I have type 1 diabetes. What I didn’t necessarily account for, is that living my life, going to work, and just being me, is the more visible part.
People may not know your blood sugar is 300, that your pump failed you this morning, or that you are in desperate need of a glucose tablet, but you being who you are despite all of the shit diabetes throws at you, is strength. We hide the things we don’t want others to see, but the things people do see is is pushing through. You being you, is the invisible strength that everyone can see.
