my chaotic mind

i wrote these 

[disconcerningwords-blog]

ode to high school

Usually you would respond to things I said, saying I was your favorite blonde, or saying that I was able to see beyond your sleepy eyes and lazy talk. Now it feels like you have forgot about me and all we had.

We had plans to get high, and you said you would buy enough pot to fry our thoughts and forget our feelings, so we could feel like we have died, but still be alive. We were going to lay on your roof and stare at the sky with your hand resting on my thigh as I asked you about your latest black eye waiting for you to deny being unhappy.

That was before you went crazy. Before you stopped calling me daisy.

Now you are most likely hungover, trying to remember how it felt to be sober for longer than just a day.

[disconcerningwords-blog]

infatuation

I often struggle with the idea of meaning something to another person. I consider cleaning up who I am so I can pass the screening that, inevitably, is being done.

I like to think that I mean more to you. I used to be paranoid that when we were together you would be watching the door looking for an escape or for someone else. I would hope that you would adore me and explore with me.

I usually feel so unsure but it was like you were my cure. You laughed when I told you about what I liked, and you said I was too pure to be into that kind of scene. I’m sure if I would have given you a tour of my mind at that moment, you would have realized how pure I really was.

You gave me a leaf, saying it was beautiful. I knew you must have seen me as someone special and if I am being truthful, I like to think that you associate me with something beautiful too.

I lived for your laugh. And I could write you a dozen paragraphs just to describe the way I felt around you.

I think you’re perfect. I still think of your eyes sometimes, with those little flecks of gold.

But truth be told, I blame you for why I am going insane because my brain cannot tolerate the pain I am enduring. I desperately want to see your face again.  

 -h.m

[disconcerningwords-blog]

grown

I always thought that I ought to fill you in on all the problems that I have brought into my life, and share with you all the little things that have caught my attention. I fought with the idea that you didn’t feel the same about me. You told me about the first time you smoked pot, and I told you about how my energy has felt shot. You always seemed distraught by my emotions, but you would be surprised to know that those tears were not even close to all I’ve got.

I felt like I needed someone like you, so I pleaded with you, begging you to care about me. You never once exceeded my expectations, and I proceeded to realize that nobody ever will.

For a short amount of time, you made me feel important. Your constant checking up on me was comforting. I remember all of it and wonder why I was never content. Once you moved to Portland I might as well have put out a warrant for my arrest, because anything would have been better than the assortment of distorted messages you sent me.

I felt blind for letting you find out so much about me. I thought that maybe in some weird way we were assigned to each other, like we were meant to be. You were never unkind and I always seemed to fall behind every other priority you had.

Maybe we have just grown up, but I never wanted us to be in totally different time zones and I still miss the smell of your cologne and the taste of your mouth.

-h.m

[disconcerningwords-blog]

swimming

I never really loved swimming, although it is slimming, and crowds of people are cheering just for me.

I really don’t really have the time to try and climb the rankings and be at my prime and I really should be working part-time but instead I’m swimming laps and replaying Sublime again and again in my head.  

-h.m

[disconcerningwords-blog]

want

All you ever wanted from me was a chance. You never flaunted what you had and without me you couldn’t have gotten as far as you did. If I’m being honest, I don’t think this is a good idea and I hate being dishonest but I also hate when you’re disappointed.

I could help you but it wouldn’t be fair.

It would be best if I could just get all this off my chest. I should have confessed that this was a bad idea, but now I am pressed, because you seem to have so much hope.

I have always looked for ways to give you what you have given me.

This time I can’t, and throughout this rant, I have realized that is okay.

-h.m

[disconcerningwords-blog]

gone

When I first noticed you were gone, it was dawn and I was waking up, again, on the front lawn. As I began to yawn I remembered how it felt to be near you.

Your moods were like a switch and often you would ditch the people you loved the most.

My biggest fear had always been abandonment and fights with you always felt like a battlefront forcing itself into my head.

Everything about the day you left was sad. I remember having to add another pill to my routine to stop myself from going mad or to prevent myself from remembering what we had, because it is over now.

Everyone told me it would be an adjustment and that all I needed to do was trust that the big man in the sky would act as my consultant and make everything fine.

There was a lot of jealousy and a lot of ‘I’m sorry’ but not nearly enough clarity.

I thought that maybe if I threw a party then I would forget that we were apart.

Now nothing feels new. But I sort of knew that without you I would never feel again.

Now every time I get out of my head I still find my way to this bed and I cry harder each time.

- h.m

[assvegan-blog]

blood

as i fall out of the daze there is blood / more than a trickle but not quite a flood / and i think to myself it’s like a morbid flower bud / stemming out of my veins

it dawned on me that i may be in hell / i wondered how i fell / or how loud i will have to yell / before i will be found by some kind of angel / or if ever i will be able / to be seen, more than just labelled / but as for now, i am just disabled.

never before had i felt so small / and i was starting to realize there was probably nobody above watching at all.

and the pain / was beginning its campaign/ i think i’m going insane.

i wished i could be strong / but i’ve been weak all along / i’ve always assumed nothing could ever go wrong / an now i am gone.