Day 7 included the gorgeous drive thorugh the Ozarks and a visit to Thorcrest Chapel in Eurika Springs. God could not have found a more perfect space for me to reflect . There is something magical about walking up to see this unique structure tucked away in it’s surrounding landscape. The first thing you notice is the how the wooden beams beautifully criss cross in a dance like image to support the structure. Once inside , you are greeted with the feeling of complete openess, as you are surrounded by natural light and transparent view of the woods. The thought that this is the chapel King Authur would have wished for Camelot came to me. It’s really an incredibly elegant structure, that doesn’t boast adornments, other than the intricate beams and lush scenery. I had found a new friend in the solitude of this space. I sat there thanking God for the blessing of this trip to find not only this space, but a new friendship in me. How had I forgotten to be kind to myself? How did I need to take note of my new relationship with myself? I I have always been one who prides themsleves on having a large community of friends , but how had I forgotten about that special me? How would I cultivate this journey as a new friend? How had I raced through my days with llittle care to set intentions on begin in the moment to resonate on my breath, the earth, my surroundings, and the energy in the air? How many precious “Chloe” moments did I miss? How many lessons did I miss along the way? Dear Divine Source, Thank you for this opportunity to initiate a new friendship in me. Thank you for allowing me the space to heal and reboot. Thank you for allowing me to meet the most amazing new friends along the way, who supported me on my journey with kindness and the removal of judgement! I will make a commitment to grow in your faith, glory , and blessings to take each new step with the purpose to say, “I am enough.” “Just as I am.” “Smart , quirky, devoted, bubbly, imprefectly imperfect, beautifully flawed, sensitive, thoughtful, "I am enough in your eyes and mine.” Amen.
One thing I can easily get fustrated with is my GPS. Don’t get me wrong. I am forevey grateful to have its technology. Back in day, when computers were not around, I used the Thomas Guide, which was a huge spiral bound atlas. Basically, it was my bible of getting around the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles freeways and side roads.
Later, after mapquest arrived, I had the opportunity to lighten my load and just print out a page or two. But, since this trip was cross country, I decided to just get a much needed, new phone, as my old one would constantly freeze up. The problem was darn if the gps kept going offline of this contraption as well! Worse, it didn’t clearly alert me to take a a left or right at a fork till the very last moment. Ugh , I thought. I had taken the wrong turn and no telling how long it would take me to get back on my course. I was kicking myself for not having a printed, back up version from mapquest.
As my fustration grew, the exit took me on a long winding back road. I had been on the road for awhile and wanted to get to a hotel soon before sunset. Thank heavens, I finally found a steet to take a left turn and backtrack to the main freeway. Then I saw a white shed . At first, it looked like a basic concrete structure with graffiti on the inside. However, with further inspection, there in purple was the saying, Enjoy The Little Things.
“Chloe Moment!”
If I hadn’t had missed my exit, I would have never found this gem!
How had I missed the joy of the little things?
How had as my card suggested, resisted my attunment with my environment, and acceptance of where I was in the here and now?
I quickly snapped a photo and made a note to make some adjustments with my attitude.
Later, as I arrived at my hotel in Arkansas, I greeted the receptionist with a note that I was checking in. Unfortunately, she alerted me that the reservation was not showing up, and asked if I could read lips.
Oh no, I thought, here we go again. I decided since I just booked online it would take about 20 mins for it to show up on her computer, and I might as well fess up. I took yet another leap of faith with this stranger and wrote that I was not a person with a hearing or speech impairment, but was someone on a non verbal retreat.
At first, she gazed at me for such a long period of time that I thought, Dear Lord, she is getting ready to call a psychiatric emergency team for me .
Then she sighed with relief. “I’m so glad,” she said. “I totally forgot how to sign and I didn’t want you think I was rude.” I ended up having the loveliest communication with my pen and pad with this charming woman. She seemed genuinely curious about my journey. We eneded up exchanging numbers and I promised to call her after wednesday.
Yet, another "Chloe Moment! "
Dear Divine Source,
Thank you for this card. Thank you for helping me to see how my resistance to this process affects the lens in how I view the world. You have placed protection and support in my path. I no longer need to be dictated by fear. I will challange myself to remove my walls and move forward with acceptance.
In the openness of the drive from New Mexico to Texas, my well known fears raced back. What the heck was I doing? I’m out here all alone with no service on my cell, and feeling completely foolish for leaving California’s mild weather, and vast opportunities to see some sort of activity.
As I drove through Allmarillo, TX, I passed a large field of cows. I immediately noticed that half of the heard was laying on the ground, I wasn’t sure what to think. Later, I found that cows lay down for several reasons. One is a well known wives tale, that it’s a sign of rain. The other, is the much more practical explanation that cows get up and down at least 16 times a day to ruminate, which I found was the unpleasant way they digest and regurgitate their food. The saying I need to chew it over now had a new meaning for me.
The word rumination, though having exceedingly different meanings for humans and cows, essentially appeares to have a common denominator. They both take a great deal of time and energy.
How had my own negative questioning and rumination fueled the fire of my negative self beliefs over and over again? How did this affect my own self love? How had I spent so many unproductive moments mapping and playing the past over again.
At least cows have a healthy purpose for their ruminaionn, how had mine gotten me into trouble? Bottom line, was my rumuniation about my self worth serving a greater pupose for me? Dear Divine Source,
Help me learn to reframe my damaging self statements about myself. Help me learn to remove judgements. Help me understand the balance of setting goals and working hard, instead of crippling myself in darkness when something does not work out as I had planned. Today I will work on lovig myself with no strings attached and the removal of expectations.
Nothing can make me stop in my tracks more in a total panic moment than having to make the right decision. This certainly rings true when I am faced with the black hole of uncertainty. Worse, is I tend to hyper focus on the meaning of right, which quickly translates to me as good enough. Whereas, the the meaning of the word wrong, or making a bad decision, can quickly surmise into “I am” beliefs, such as, “I am foolish, stupid, less than,” or my go to favorite- “I am such a loser .”
It’s so funny, with roles reversed, I would NEVER in a million years think of my friends as being lesser than if they happened to make a wrong choice, EVER !
So, why have I become so hard on myself?
Is the voice I hear my own?
Is it my mother, who I know has good intentions, but I feel secretly wishes for me to marry well ?
Is it my societal values speaking to me, saying that being single and unmarried, while loosing a job, and going right back across the country yet a second time, and then not having a clear course in life after all this time.... not so great for a middle age woman, Missy!
I can hear the negative chatter in my mind, “Girl just make a darnn decision to move, find some man and stick with it, you are all over the place. Best do it now, before you die old, alone, and decrepit, in a sad apartment, with 20 cats, whom they will find, when entering your apt, had eaten your face off.”
The card I find perfectly focuses on my need to release these skewed beliefs that I possess, and the judgements I have of perfectionism and being right at all times.
I can search for my own truth and value my own path now. And which ever one it is, as long as it is good to me and not cruel to others, will be the RIGHT decision for me.
As I arrived in Santa Fe New Mexico, I stopped by The San Miguel Mission, which is the oldest church in the USA. There was a visitors’ gift shop that I stopped into, and a man warmly greeted me and asked how I was doing. As I am still on my speech retreat, I pondered what the heck to write this time. What would be the right thing to do? I certainly didn’t want to repeat any confusion about having a disability or an impediment again. Would it be wrong to just play along and get through the greeting to find the restroom and be on my way?
After a quick battle in my head, I took a breath, let go, and made the decision to write. “I am fine, but unable to speak for 7 days due to a spiritual detox.”
Here we go, I thought.
As I waited for his eyes to roll, the man appeared surprisingly supportive and commented on how cool he thought it was. He then asked me to wait a moment , and told me that he communicated with music,and wanted to share this with me. He then left and appeared with what I can only guess to be a beautiful, Native American flute. He said this song is called, The Offering, and it’s for you .
No lie, there I am, in the middle of my trip, unexpectedly getting serenaded by a complete stranger. It was divine.
As I left, the gentleman then asked me to pick out a journal for my trip and gave me his card to contact him after I was able to speak to expand more about my journey. This was a great blessing as I had made a mental note to get a gratitude journal, and now I had just received a perfect one with a hummingbird on the cover as a gift.
Chloe moment !
If I hadn’t trusted the decision to tell this man, then I certainly wouldn't have gotten the lovely song, journal, and a much needed boost in my self esteem.
Later, I found two beautiful sights at The San Miguel Mission and Cathedral Basilica. One was for a prayer for the protection of Angels, and the other was the Prayer of Saint Francis.
Lord,
Thank you for the day and the special moments I received from your Angels. Let me be kinder to myself and sow inner love when needed. Let me learn to trust you more when faced with choosing the right decisions. In all things we pray and trust in your divine love. Amen.
I have always been taught to count my blessings. It was not uncommon for me to learn in school to never complain and be thankful for what I had, as there were other children who were starving or had nothing in this world . I valued blessings as the good things that I had or that happened to me. Like having those special times with my Nanna, or the realization as I grew older that I was so fortunate to come from a privileged background, free of judgement, racism, or struggle.
Then there were other times, like a holiday flight that I landed safely from, having a clear mammogram, getting my masters, having glorious beach days with my brother and sister in law, the constant recognition of the love and support of all of my friends, and my relationship with my higher source.
Practicing Gratitude for Day 3 instead, directs me to not only be thankful for my blessings, but to show gratitude for my challenges as well. The message encourages me to reflect on how have I forgotten about life’s gifts through turmoil.
I must say suffering pain and trying to get to the other side of a challenge frankly for me, just plain sucks. My monkey mind and heart race. As a problem solver for others, I immediately go to the Carly Simon song, I Haven’t Got Time For The Pain. I want nothing more than to clean up the dirty mess, put it all back together in a neat box and move on ( PERIOD). Patience and trusting that This too shall pass, has not been my shining glory at times.
A lovely ex boyfriend, told me once “Hind sight is 20/20.” I had no clue what that meant, but in looking closer, I can see his point. We are so blind in the moment of our troubles. Then, there is space of time to simply get up and move through our days. Somewhere along that path, it hits us, our “Chloe” moment, and our vision can clearly look back to see the full picture and explanation of what happened and why.
However, sometimes I also realize that there may never be clear cut answer. Perhaps, God shows me 20/20 vision, by just now having an aha moment that there will BE an unexpected Chloe gift on this trip.
Therefore, today, I make a commitment to find a more balanced approach in my daily gratitude lists, by reframing my challenges as blessings.
Grateful List:
I am grateful for the loss of my last job- it has allowed me opportunity for this journey. And because of this loss, I get to be grateful for how much fun I never knew I would have. I am grateful to push myself and try new things. I am grateful for the beautiful scenery and the sights of the desert moon in the sky. I am grateful for the enjoyable stop overs I have had, and the lovely people I have encountered.
Dear Divine Source,
I am grateful for the challenges that I face, as they allow me to close one door, and then open another. I know your gifts will come with time .
In continuing my search for the miracle of “Chloe,” I decided to take a spiritual retreat across the country, and made my first stop to The Grand Canyon.
To find more time for reflection and focus on my journey, I decided to also do a seven day speaking detox, so that I could increase my much needed, here and now listening skills. Perhaps, if I was more quiet, I would hear my divine source again? Perhaps, if I was silent my eyes would look with a different lens, and find gratitude in the sights before me on my journey?
Decreasing my impulsive chatter not only in my brain , but in my interactions with others, had been on my to do list. I certainly have been told on occasion that my effusive conversations could actually take over someone’s ability to finish a thought.
How may I connect my speech with what is going on inside for me? The need to please feels right on. The need to jump in and quickly validate someone or make them smile ..yup. AND the need paint a full story with all the details, so that the receiver may fully understand my perception….oh boy…inner confirmation.
There is a lovely book of inspirational cards called The Language of Letting Go that I have decided to use on my journey . It comes as no surprise now why I drew, Healthy Giving, as my card of the day.
At first, I didn’t resonate with its message to find more balance in caretaking, compulsive giving, and finding balance in choosing what to give, when and where.
But then, I had jumped up and threw everything in my car from LA and hit the road on a crazy, last minute, spiritual, cross country trip. This added with a commitment to not speak, and using a note pad to say goodbye to my lovely roommate, who I am sure thought I was a nutcase, as well as turning down a third interview for a job, as it fell before my 7th day detox ended, all made me feel as if WOW this card was spot on! I had indeed found myself on a path to set more boundaries on my own self care.
Then late last eve, I received a phone call from a family friend, that there was a concern for my Father. Though I love him more than anything, and to his core he has the biggest heart, we have had a complicated relationship surrounded with sadness, confusion, and decades of addiction and co dependency I used to think I would walk through fire for him, but last night, I decided to ask someone else to help me by checking in on him. Small bits of guilt washed over me, as I was never sure when our last moments would happen. But one thing was clear, I needed to make some drastic changes in my healthy giving and boundaries. Calling him to break my silence would not work toward that goal.
The whole silence idea had been a last minute decision, and though there were blessings with it , there were also challenges. At first, it felt absolutely freeing. It was nice to choose to focus on my own breath. Everyone around me appeared helpful, as I made notations on my small notepad when needed.
However, I realized that I had not clearly thought the whole plan through. Everyone was kind, but appeared to respond to me as if I had a hearing or speech disability. Worse, was later in the evening, as I waited in the lobby to check into my hotel room, I overheard the receptionist say that my ID did not clearly list if I had a disability or not. I am mortified to say that in shear embarrassment and a moment of panic, I was afraid to explain my speech detox, and ignored her calling out my name. I instead, walked outside to gather myself in an ego bruising, damage control moment.
Therefore, to the community of those who also have a disability, I offer a HUGE atonement of apologies. My journey was never to play a part. I am forever grateful to have my ability to make the choice to speak and hear. I offer the truth, that my pride got in the way in that moment to take the time to write out on my note pad why I ignored the receptionist when she called, and what I was doing. I admit that my fear of her finding me erratic or irrational got in the way. Please from my heart, forgive me. I will take this as learning experience in becoming more thoughtful and respectful in my actions.
The lesson I find from that moment rings true. I worry WAY to much what other’s think of me, and I am in dire need to check my ego at the door. Today, I choose to give to others on my note pad, “I can hear, but I am unable to speak for the week.” So simple, true and balanced! If others want an explanation, I will follow my card- I will choose to set a healthy boundary and not give an answer.
As I made my journey to the Grand Canyon, and immersed myself in its natural wonder, I found what appeared to be a small sunflower seed. I posted a pic of this find. I made a wish on that seed.
Please Heavenly Father,
Let this seed grow life in my spiritual path again. May I be aware of my actions. May I be more thoughtful in them. May I be renewed in faith, grace, and my ability to not only GIVE, but RECEIVE your word as well. Amen.
For years, Walt and Annie struggled with infertility, but in a single moment they realized that God was writing a beautiful story for them that was over 20 y...
Day 1:
Faith has always been everything to me. It has been my core, rock, and constant life raft that I continue to grasp in life’s unforgiving and unpredictable waters. The voice of my higher source has always in the past, been clear and true to me. The waves that I have navigated are life lessons, teaching me to trust that his grace will carry me through my fears.
His voice has come to me as large, or even small nuanced signs. I have heard him through my community of incredibly, supportive friends, through divine, energetic experiences of feeling his spirit in the air, or through the sights of gorgeous beaches, gardens, jogging paths, or hiking trails.
Then suddenly, there was silence. Dark, exhausting, starving, barren silence. My once warm blanket of connection that I relied on was gone. In many ways, I would define it as becoming spiritually orphaned.
Prayer, friends, reflection, and therapy, though all validating, have not as I wished, connected me that direct, divine voice that I once so easily knew.
I had great pride in my effusive, pollyannaish personality. Now I have become a fearful, doubting cynic. I have never been close to being in the land of the negative, but ten months filled with two moves across the country, dwindled finances, the failing health of my father, a devastating breakup, a scary episode with a neighboring stalker, who was later evicted, my roof collapsing while I was sleeping, the end of a long friendship, due a misunderstanding, an embarrassing and ego crushing demotion from a difficult boss, coupled with the unexpected, give me a break, I am too young to start peri menopausal symptoms- have all depleted my once gracious attunement with my divine source.
In fact, please give me a moment to take yet another five minute peri menopausal break to relieve my bladder. Pause, pause, pause, thank your patience.
So where was I?
Oh yes, I have found that the once cheerful girl , who had a clear path to follow in his footsteps has absolutely been kicked down, depleted of any answers or direction. Instead, I had become the ”Why Girl”. Inner statements such as, “Why me, why now, why God, would you allow this to happen to me, why can’t I find an answer, why am I being tested, why can’t I find a partner, why must I change my dream to become a menopausal bride, and why will this pain NOT end,” all go round and round in my head everyday.
With raging hormones, coupled with deep reflection, and a complete breakdown, I put a phone call into a trusted, spiritual girlfriend. There is nothing like that one friend who is steadfast in helping you with your “aha” moments.
She told me that He is with us in our darkest storm, and that there is a greater picture that we do not see. That we have no earthly concept of how He is narrating our lives by closing doors to open others. “Have faith,” she said. “You will be alright.”
This was certainly not the first time she had encouraged me to have faith, so why was the time or day different?
When I arrived home, I found a video in my inbox sent from my friend. The video described faithful, adoptive parents who had prayed for the blessing of this child named Chloe. What resonated with me was how the couple described all of the emotions I was so ashamed to admit, such as despair, anger, and their own discouragement of life, and the bewilderment of why their higher source would be as they perceived, so cruel to as to not give them a child.
However, the video expands a magical story of how his grace had an remarkable and miraculous answer for their suffering. Just as my lovely friend had told me, their struggle was NOT forgotten, and that he WAS there creating the perfect miracle for Chloe to be their daughter.
I dedicate this blog to “Discovering Chloe” moments in life. To honoring the divinity of my destiny, even in troubling times. Perhaps, his great plan may not come wrapped up in a pretty gift, nor come crashing down on me in a rainfall all at once. Perhaps, to get back to the divine source I have to be silent in my mind, speech, and actions. I can only say without a doubt, I don’t have profound answers, just faith. I am being lead to take this journey to find a way to be closer to him once again.
Today is Day 1 of my commitment to be silent, to open my heart , ears , and eyes to his grace. My prayer is for protection, less perfection, removal of judgement of what others think of me, fearlessness, wisdom and patience, as I see where the road leads me on this journey to discover life’s Chloe moments.
I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Henry David Thoreau
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