Im coming here to talk, mostly because I have been hiding behind a mask of "that's not something I would think". So context warning for mentions of incest
I have a paraphilic disorder, more specifically a incestous paraphilic disorder.
My earliest memories of when those thoughts started I was 6 years old having thoughts about marrying my cousin. I thought it was normal to have those thoughts, and that I would eventually just grow out of them. I never did, and it went from my cousin to foster siblings. They aren't blood related but legally speaking they were my siblings
I never acted on the thoughts but I would always think about how it would feel good to kiss them and such but I never acted on them, everytime I had those thoughts I hated it. I eventually learned about why those thoughts were bad so I kept telling myself if I stopped thinking about those things they'd stop
They didn't, it got to a point when I was 8-12 (I think) when I met a dude. I saw him as a father figure because he was older than me. I loved talking to him
I had opened up to him about these thoughts, I was 12 years old confused about why my mind thought these things. He said it was perfectly normal and I could indulge in Fauxcest, and he would help me
That's when I was groomed into believing it was okay as long as I didn't actually do it with family. It was still wrong though, I was 12, he was almost 18.
Then I finally left him, but then when I was around 16 I started to really get into it again. I started to have crushes on my foster siblings again, I hated it. So I started to self harm by taking showers so hot it would burn me and make me pass out
I would always think, i didn't deserve to live if I was having these thoughts. But I was scared of missing my attempt again like I did when I was 13 or so. So I never did anything other than spiral into a depression that I still can't get out of
Then I was around 18 I think when I found the Radqueer community, and my brain loved it because there was others like me. Boy was I wrong. I felt like, I was disgusted, like I didn't really belong because they thought it was okay to act on them, I didn't think it was okay
And now I'm finally able to talk comfortably at 19 about my own disorder that for my whole life has ruined, and still parts of my own system deal with those thoughts so fucking much and it is so horrible and awful