THINGS LEFT UNSPOKEN

the only place i can easily blame myself a lot.

[distorsi-elegi]

what if i tell u that ur loved one has his eyes on someone who potrays the image of his mom's younger self.

her nose, her eyes.

oh, and that unbelievably similar smile.

no wonder he has a crush on her, terribly.

-

"what could u do?"

there’s no other way but to back off.

[distorsi-elegi]

nothing hurts more than not being the first one to know what ur loved one's going through and instead u found that out on her/his social media post .. announced to everyone like u're just anybody else

also,

watching her/him adoring someone else religiously, adoring her/his internet crush, like, more often than trying to excitedly talk to u .. like, unconciously doing what her/his crush is doing .. and like, responding or following to every post of her/his crush in almost every new posts

-

and u could only see them from afar

-

.. while u're injured and having nothing to give or offer, or even make them happy.

-

u're the dysfunctional one.

[distorsi-elegi]

berlalu, dan terganti.

hembus angin pun berbeda arah sama sekali.

kepala dikacaukan buruknya mimpi,

akankah menjadi logis mengambil langkah untuk pergi?

[distorsi-elegi]

Like father, like daughter.

Seems like I'm very much alike my father .. He's always good to everyone, like or dislike, he always managed to be good to them. Most of the time he pushed his true feelings aside and not telling them and suppressed his madness rather than let it out. Not that he tried to please everyone, it's just he never wanted to hurt anyone, so he always kept it to himself. He always told me to be kind to others, no matter what.

But once he's at the top of his rage, no one bats an eye, no one will like him. Even I, too, didn't like him when he was mad when I was just a kid. But then I understand that he had a lot on his plate so he exploded that way. I can understand that he's hurting .. he's hurting a lot by keeping everyone's feelings at the good state.

[distorsi-elegi]

Iya, tidak apa .. Jikalau ingin mending-mendingan keparahan alkisah dan histori memang mendingan saya daripada orang lain .. Namun apakah saya tidak berhak berlarut dalam sedih juga? Apakah saya juga tidak pantas dan tidak berhak untuk mendapatkan sesuatu yang bisa membuat keparahan setingkat yang saya punya ini mereda? ..

[distorsi-elegi]

It is okay. But it is not okay.

I can’t .. I just .. can’t.

I can’t compete with my past. I can’t compete with my pain.

Every time I think that everything is going to be fine, well, it doesn’t.

Pain. Pain does hurt. Pain overwhelms you. Pain kills you slowly, with no trace, no scars, or without you even noticing it. Pain haunts you. Pain sabotages most of your days, from the moment you woke up, right until you finally can’t even get to sleep.

Distraction. Distraction helps. Distraction makes a change in your focus. Distraction leads you to better things. Distraction also makes you feel better, makes you forget what pain is. For a while.

Distraction and Pain. The more you distract, the more you accumulate pain. The more you make yourself believe that there is no pain. Or at least, convince you. The more you step aside from it. But it’s still there. Pain is not moving, is not able to be easily distracted. Some people may say that pain is like energy, it changes its form. But, to me, pain is not changing form. It’s still there. On the corner of your mind, waiting for you to notice it. It’s getting bigger and stronger each day while you’re distracting yourself from it.

It is okay. At least, pain is there to let us know that we’re still alive. Pain is there to tell us that we’re human.

But it is not okay. For one who couldn’t even handle it anymore, for those who finally gave up in the end, well, pain took over most part of yourself. It’s a burden. It’s a disease. It’s infective.

I’m not going to say that I master the pain. I let pain gets into me. Sometimes I distract it, but it haunts me even more. But because I know pain, I won’t let anyone deal with the pain to themselves. And that’s also why I always keep it to myself by not telling people. But. When I could finally share my pain and opened up to someone, when I let them know that I’m not that strong .. they ended up hating me because I’m annoying when I’m vulnerable and because all they knew was I used to be strong with anything. I mean, people are annoying when they’re vulnerable, because they’re not okay so they have all the rights to be annoying, why couldn’t they just understand? Why are people not made to accept someone’s vulnerable side?

And now, I’m not okay. Even my mom who usually texted me twice a week, recently it’s like three times a day, while I already muted my social media stories anyway and I always replied to her text as cheerful as I usually do when I’m not sad or something. She feels things. She knows that her daughter is far from okay. Her daughter wants to go home. Or at least, getting away from people she knew.

I’m experiencing the loops of my kind of pain all over again. Maybe it’s a test for me, or maybe I’m just not that fortunate.

[distorsi-elegi]

.. dan mengapa kau selalu berhasil membuatku berhenti satu gugup di depanmu.

[distorsi-elegi]

Dan untuk menjauhkanku dari segala luka yang nantinya mampu berulang di kemudian hari,

kini akan jauh lebih baik apabila aku beranggapan bahwa semua kereta yang berhenti di stasiunku hanyalah untuk sekedar singgah. Sekedar transit.

Tidak menetap .. tidak kurang dan tidak lebih.

[distorsi-elegi]

Sudah sembilan tahun sejak saya meracau. Selamat hari jadi tulisan yang tak pernah selesai, terima kasih telah menjadi sebagian dari tumbuh kembang saya. Jasamu abadi :)

[distorsi-elegi]

I may not run as fast as my other friends do, I may not reach a significant progress as other people expect me to,  and I may not move so far in life. But I always make sure that I learn to understand every situation I face in life, every breath that I breathe, every grains of rice I eat, and appreciate every little thing I meet. Life’s not a race or a competition. Life is here to be understood. Not to be conquered or to fulfill all of our desire. The earth doesn’t orbit around us or go as we wish. But if you choose to go far in life and finally missed to understand this life itself, well, as you please.

Apr 12th, 2021.

[distorsi-elegi]

You are blessed.

There are some people who enter your life like gems.

These are the real diamonds. They have no ulterior motives, no inferiority complex, no superiority complex, no need to prove that they are better than you, or seek to have more than you. They don’t feel entitled and aren’t needy or dependent.

They are not superficial or fake. They remind you of God and they understand you, when no other person does. They don’t wear a mask with you or pretend to be perfect. They are just real with you and honestly and sincerely only want good for you.

You feel you can tell them anything without worrying that they will judge you or put you down for being imperfect. They know your flaws, but love you anyway. And they are loyal. You know they’ll be there for you. They’ll always have your back.

And best of all, time and distance doesn’t change this. 

If you’ve ever met even one person in your entire life like this, you’re blessed.

- Yasmin Mogahed -

[distorsi-elegi]

Having a lifetime partner in our lives, as the years go on, as we grow up and grow old, we would realize that it becomes less important to have or expect sparks from them, we don't even need fireworks anymore, or butterflies on our bellies. All we need is peace. Peace of minds. Peacefulness. Knowing that there is this someone who's willing to be with us, unconditionally, through thick and thin, and wouldn't worry about anything else. That is all that matters.

[distorsi-elegi]

Yaudah sana, ga apa-apa,

sangkal terus sedih dan sakitmu,

ga usah dirasain sampai beku.

Turutin gengsimu,

kejar terus lejit standar hidup impianmu,

hiduplah tanpa bersyukur,

pandang terus ke atas ga usah nunduk.

Ga apa-apa,

alhamdulillah,

sebahagiamu.

Bila nanti telah sampai lelah,

andai sudah luap kesah,

kembalilah.

Pulang,

menanti pun aku tak kepalang.

[distorsi-elegi]

And if I really love you, I need to back off. And accept the fact that at least .. for now, being with her, is the best thing for you.

[distorsi-elegi]

Here, over thousands and millions of words and sentences I've spilled my heart and thoughts into, none of them is already a song. I pity myself. A lot.

[distorsi-elegi]

[distorsi-elegi]