ARIANA 35
Here we are, nearly, hell, almost exactly 4 1/2 years since Ariana left us, since she committed suicide on April 3, 2015, in Boynton Beach, FL. A good long while since I have written here one of my entries meant to be honestly reflective about the aftermath of my daughter’s suicide, and my parallel attempts to “heal” and find “peace” as her mother.
First I must make clear that, from my experience, I will never ever “get over” the loss of my beloved little girl. It has always been much more a process of changing, with or without attendant struggle and travail, to become someone who has adapted in certain ways to a whole new perspective on the world itself. I have changed inside, left some beliefs by the wayside, and picked up new understanding about life and love and the nature of God - for better or worse.
Some new way must be found, a way of moving through the world each day, a world that no longer includes my daughter, my identity as “Ariana’s Mom” and such, but one that seemingly must be moved through just the same. Because here is both the good news and the bad - I will never be the same, and still, life goes on.
I have endeavored to modify my place in day to day life to a point where I might sometimes both feel and look like a normal human navigating a normal human life. I’m not sure how that’s working most days, actually, but I know I don’t have too much choice, mostly. I must carry on, I must show up - for Jack, and myself, and the many who love me. Especially, though, for my granddaughter.
For Evie, who had just turned 8 several weeks before her Mother’s death, I am acutely aware of the (honor) responsibility of being who I am to her... the one main connection to her Mom, the Mimi who is there to help her solidify shadowy memories, and reassure her of Ariana’s love of and care for this angelic girl.
I fill in blanks in her memories of Ariana, wherever possible, and tell her details about who and how her mom is and was. I’m so often able to tell Evie of the many ways she resembles her mom, and how they do so many things just the same way.
Ultimately, of course, any healing takes just the amount of time it takes. There are no shortcuts. I must be in the process of healing if I intend to be involved in the process of living. Important to recall is that we don’t heal in isolation, we only heal in community.
