Sometimes I work to come up with a good topic to explore when I write at night. Sometimes a topic finds me. Today I was found I suppose. This entry is likely to be more of a simple outpouring of anguish than anything that tries to reason through an issue.
Today was kind of terrible. I mumbled to myself a few times that I was pretty sure I was having a record bad day. Of course that was hyperbole, given the root reason that I have so many bad days, but it was probably the worst I’ve had in a while. I went to the cemetery to visit Laura, and had to pass, and then fight through, strangely heavy traffic all through the area. When I eventually got there, I stood there, cold and in the rain for a while, and missed her with all of my being.
I’d decided in advance that I’d get myself a good lunch while I was out. After the cemetery, I spent a full half hour just fighting endless traffic all across Capitol Hill, trying to get somewhere that I could park to go to Annapurna for some good Indian food. I was blocked off over and over, and found parking spots that were off limits over and over. I screamed at the other drivers, actually enraged by their existence and their clogging of the streets. When I eventually, finally got a space, I walked in the absolutely biting cold for a while only to find that Annapurna was closed. I was angrier. I decided to try a Thai place nearby, but it appeared to be closed. I was angrier, and hungrier, and colder. I drive up to the U-District to eat at Tandoor, Laura’s favorite Indian place, to find that it was closed for some of the new apartment construction. I got even angrier, still fighting traffic the whole way. I swung over to Roosevelt to eat at the Indian place next to Half Price Books, but it was closed and demolished for some new construction. I could only find that out after another twenty minutes of being stuck in a traffic jam. I got more and more frustrated. I was livid, screaming at everything and nothing. I was crying, piling nostalgia on top, with all of the places that were special to us having closed up it seemed. I finally got so frustrated that I decided to go back to the Eastside to eat at Mayuri, a place that Laura always liked. Fighting traffic through that part, I found the whole shopping complex closed for some sort of new construction. I broke down and screamed for blocks of driving. I couldn’t do anything else. I finally gave up and picked up food from Taco Bell. I tried to talk myself down from the stress, but just couldn’t. I was so fully angry, and simultaneously so fully lonely, and so fully sad and hurt, that my system just couldn’t do anything else. I stumbled into work just to eat and sit quietly, but I know I had a glazed look on my face. I couldn’t think clearly at all by that point. It wasn’t that my emotions had gotten the better of me, but that the whole damn world seemed to be after my emotions. Everything was frustrating to me, and frustration leads to anger easily. But on top of that is the sheer misery of trying to exist here without the one that I love so much.
It’s hard. It’s so unbelievably, god damned hard.
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