... this is true, but also now I am writing the movie in my head.
It’s about two once-legendary heroes who are dragged out of retirement by a new and terrible threat. Nobody shows up to drag them, they just keep waiting for someone else to deal with it and then they find out a bunch of ‘chosen heroes’ (IE kids) have died and they’re all ‘... well, fuck,’ and dig out their hidden weapons and drag their asses out to do the job, complaining the whole time.
Then they run into each other and anyone around is all ‘... oh no they were Enemies now they will fight each other instead of the greater threat’ and instead they just grunt a hello and go straight into bitching about how TOTALLY UNFAIR it is that they have to do this at their advanced age, do you realize I still have a dud hip after that one time, oh yeah, let me tell you what that other asshole did to my *spine*, and they’re just standing there complaining like two tired dads who’ve been called out at three in the morning to do something they don’t want to do at all..
Then they go off, rescue the latest batch of heroes, eliminate the threat, then hand over their magic/super/whatever weapons to the kids and are all ‘DON’T MAKE US DO THIS AGAIN’ and go home. Final scene is them both sitting on a porch, drinking a beer and *still* complaining. But now they have each other.
Aliens, dragons, Trump, it doesn’t matter what the threat or indeed the genre is, it would still be great.
@elidyce I feel like they need to child safety lock the Chosen Heros(tm) in the back of their car. Casually treat them like the kids/teens the ARE? And after like that first panicked "no! We Have To Do This! They told us only WE can do it!" Moment? They kids are like..... "actually, yes please, Grumpy Adult Authority Man, I WOULD like the burger and juice box now."
They're like ducklings. It's horrifying. Go do a training trip and learn the power of friendship of something, stop eating my food! (They will not. They fuckin imprinted on you grouchy old bastards. This is what you get for be Responsible.) They are like knife weilding racoons.
And like it ends with a panning shot of Chosen One Fight Club Rules(tm). No kids, get out when you can, learn to fucking dodge. Fin?
Either way I'd watch the heck out of it.
Yes, *yes*, this is even better.
There’s three young heroes sitting in the back of a volvo or an old cart or a grimy old spaceship being harangued for falling for this shit and given nourishing snacks while these two legendary rivals are bitching about their bad backs and aching feet while casually navigating through asteroid fields or troll ambushes or whatever and the kids are all ‘... this is not at all how we thought any of this would go, but I guess we have two dads now?’
The final shot of the two old heroes with their grumbling and their beer then pans out to show the kids in the middle of a Proper Training Session because apparently nobody’s doing THOSE anymore and the responsibility NEVER ENDS.
Last line: No, no, hold it *higher*. Yeah, like that. *pause* Now go get me another beer.
Can we add Lucy Lawless or Michelle Yeoh to this? They are both iconic and age-appropriate action heroes as well.
I think we should add both. They’re both ex-girlfriends of one or both of the heroes (back when they were all young and sitll figuring stuff out), but have now been happily married to each other for at least twenty years. They’ve stayed in touch. Their kids call both heroes ‘uncle’.
The middle-aged lesbians think it’s hilarious that these two mopey old codgers have acquired a group of young heroes and there’s a Big Family Dinner scene in which they all give each other crap and the young heroes are all ‘... this is absolutely wild and also the best night of my life’.
