Help

[dj-41]

Sometimes you will hopelessly think, "How will it get better?"

But then it does. Slowly. You start listening to happier music. You make better friends. You find new hobbies. You get out of the house more. You find things you're good at. You enjoy the things you're not so good at.

Sure, sometimes those friends leave. Sometimes you feel like you're not good enough. Sometimes you feel like you can't leave the house, or talk to your friends, or do the things you enjoy.

But that's just how it is. That's how you know it's getting better. When the bad days are not the norm, they're just bad days.

And then one day, it hits you: "It got better."

[dj-41]

my best friend said they'd trust me with their life and now I'm crying

[dj-41]

Update: no longer friends

[inkskinned]

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

[dj-41]

if the train comes please move

[dj-41]

let me talk about friends. about the beauty of friendship. about platonic love.

society these days have made love romantic. nothing is inherently romantic. my friend kissing me on the forehead is not gay. me saying i love you to my friend does not mean i want to date them.

the beauty of friendship is that when we love someone, we choose to love them completely and fully for how they are. there are no other motives, like sex or money or a marriage contract. just two people who decide "I love who you are" and decide to stay together for that one reason.

and it's that reason that platonic relationships are the purest. it's where you can tell each other what's on your mind, where you can act how you feel and not worry about them judging you for it. because you being who you are is precisely the reason they chose you. and there's nothing holding together a friendship apart from the mutual choice of both parties to carry on. and that's beautiful.

we should think sometimes, about the things we tell our friends, and the things we don't. do we think that our friends love us becsuse of how easy we are to love? do you think your best friend looks at you and says, "I'm friends with this person because of how few of their problems they bother me with," or "I can't be friends with them if they get a low score on this quiz." no! you know that's stupid. I'm your friend, I signed up for this. infodump about your hobby on me, rant to me about your day, cry to me about your problems. I'll take it, and you don't need to worry about being a burden, because that's my choice, and I love you for who you are, which includes all your problems.

and that's when the reality of the love you have for your friends hits you. when you'd sit and listen to them just to hear them speak. when you choose to spend time with them, not because you'll gain something, but because time spent with them is the greatest treasure you can have right now. and the lack of material gain just makes it all the more genuine.

this post has been a bit of a messy ramble, but let me leave you with a quote by Hanya Yanagihara from her novel, A Little Life. "Wasn't friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?"

and maybe that's what friendship is: a miracle. a miracle we can share with each other.

[dj-41]

when bastille said "how am i gonna be an optimist about this?" because that's a very good question. how?

[dj-41]

i do want to tell people.

when they ask if im ok. even when they say are you sure.

but the truth is, im not sure. im not sure at all. in fact i have no clue how i can begin to respond.

can i tell them its getting worse, when they have no idea how it was before? can i tell them how i lay awake all night doing nothing, unable to sleep?

what if i told them that i had started hurting myself just to... i don't even know why. to feel something?

there's no point hiding it. they've seen the scars. "yeah ive got a cat. no it's a skin problem. im fine. im fine. im fine."

do they care? of course they do. they're my friends, right? if they didn't care they wouldn't ask. but they have their own lives. their own problems. what are they gonna do for me? what can they do for me? how can they help me when i don't even know how to help myself?

i can joke about it. "yeah i volunteer as a scratching post at a cat cafe." but how would they know that the jokes are a hidden cry for help. how do i explain that i joke about it because i have no other way to talk about it.

and even then, even if i can talk about it. what can they do. if i share my problems, i still have them but now so does somebody else. that's not fair on them. and just think of the security risk!

the truth is, i'll be fine. i might not be, but i will be. and i've gotten this far, haven't i?

[dj-41]

this academic comeback, you just watch

[dj-41]

i forgot that i have an irl friend on my blog now.

im still gonna post how i did before. you found my blog so it's entirely your problem.

[dj-41]

wanted to die so I drew a cat on my arm. no longer wanted to die.

[yaaraaaaaa]

The feminine urge to ✨die✨

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[takemeawayfr]

never tell anyone about how you feel, they don't care and you'll regret opening up

tell people as little as possible about your past

deattach yourself from everyone as much as you can. it might hurt for a bit but you'll thank yourself for it later, they were destined to leave anyways.

they.cant.fix.you. nobody can, stop wishing for your 'prince charming' to show up and suddenly make you happy. you'll end up being left heartbroken.

when they say nice things, don't believe it, they're lying. you're worthless.

[dj-41]

my best friend said they'd trust me with their life and now I'm crying

[dj-41]

no because I read this really beautiful thing about how we should, to some extent, be a burden on each other.

i love you for who you are, even if it's sometimes difficult. that just shows i love you more, because what is love if it is easy?

my love for you doesn't depend on how easy it is to love you. i'm not friends with you just because it's convenient for me, i'm friends with you because i love you with all my heart, even when you feel like you don't deserve it.

i carry your love like i would carry water through a desert. it may be a heavy package but i could never live without it.

i help you through your toughest moments even when i'm barely handling my own, because i know you would do the same for me.

i allow you to rest on my shoulder because i know that you are struggling to hold up. and i know that if you don't allow yourself to be that small weight on my shoulder now, it will be harder for you to accept help later when you will need it even more.

so please, before you apologise for the impact you have on me, consider that i appreciate having you in my life. i appreciate going to get coffee with you even if i don't like coffee. i appreciate waiting in line with you at the bank for no other reason than i'm with you. i appreciate you coming to me with your random rants and complaints about your life. i enjoy helping you with your homework. i enjoy your presence in my life, and for that, no burden is too much to bear.

[dj-41]

HABSEBDUDBEIDJEBSUDBEBDUEHEHEB DAVID FUCKING TENNANT

[susiephone]

I kind of love that the last scene of the Anti-Hero video is of Taylor and Problem Taylor drinking wine and hanging out together, relatively peaceful even if Taylor originally went to the roof to try and escape Problem Taylor. For me personally, that's kind of how it is with my mental illness sometimes. Like yeah it sucks and makes my life worse, but it's not going anywhere and hiding doesn't work. Sometimes all you can do is be like "oh hi it's you again" and sit with it.

[dj-41]

when taylor said "it's me hi i'm the problem it's me." like damn i felt that but there was no need to call me out like that.