January 2014: Unemployed
Always wanted to do one of these. Behold the car crash that is me attempting lower league management.
So here we go. New kid on the block. I start out as an unemployed twenty something with no relevant experience. Football Manager is too realistic sometimes.
Holidayed until January because I like to procrastinate. By then, the only managerial vacancies were in the Northern Irish second division and the German third division. I thought I was brassnecking it by applying for the Northern Irish position, considering it is only one division below the Premiership. Much to my surprise, I was invited to an interview!
Whilst I was delighted, I couldn't bring myself to lie through my teeth at the interview though. The chairman asked me if I could achieve more than avoiding relegation and I straight-up told him “no”. The day afterwards, he offers me the job. What.
So there you go. My first job is in charge of a second tier Northern Irish team. Not so bad, right?
Wrong.
Larne is a shithole. Famous for being the hometown of former Newcastle United winger/gambling addict Keith Gillespie and the BNP in Northern Ireland. Great stuff.
Also, I probably should have actually looked at the state of the football club before I applied. Most of the players are terrible and they are all on pay-as-you-play contracts for like £20 per week. Previously I’ve only ever managed professional teams. I am so out of my depth.
Like, c’mon! The guy they’ve had playing up front is a 6′4″, 16 stone Turkish lad called Sencer. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
However, probably most worrying of all, Larne are rock bottom of the league. 5 points adrift with 10 games to play. And they’ve trusted me to save them. Hahahahaha.
So there’s the fairytale beginning. I’ve never managed a team this poor before, so this is going to be an absolute shit show. If I can avoid relegation, I am actually the greatest manager in the world.