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That poor goblin...

My players are in a fight with a group of 10-12 goblins. They’re all level six so it’s not a huge deal for them. Our party consists of a Druid, an artificer, a rogue, a ranger, and a barbarian who specializes in hand to hand combat.

The rogue is hanging back and not participating in the fight while the rest of the party besides the barbarian launch ranged attacks. The barbarian however decides he must be in the middle of the party of goblins.

He manages to grab two by the head (which I allow because he is an 8ft tall Goliath) and is attempting to bash them together when a goblin comes up behind him and attempts to stab the only part he can reach, our barbarians ass.

The goblin manages to stab the sword into his rear and I thought we could move on from that silliness, but the barbarian requests to roll to clench. I allow it out of amusement and he rolls a 28 for a strength check.

The goblin and his sword are now stuck in our barbarians ass.

Cut to the barbarian repeatedly slamming his ass goblin into a cave wall.

Not to mention the other goblin who critically missed his attack on the barbarian and was subsequently killed by the ass goblin.

I am far to leinient.

#dnddummies #dnd character #dnd #dungeon master #dungeons and dragons #funny #goblin things

Surfing.

Our barbarian stole our rangers skillet, rolled a 23 athletics check, and managed to ride the skillet down a steep hallways and directly into an underground river.

#dnddummies #dnd character #dnd #dungeon master #dungeons and dragons #funny #surfing

getyourselfsomeone

birdy putt putt:

For context our barbarian is based upon a WWE wrestler who is terrified of cabbages. Somehow a wrestling match broke out between our barbarian and the rogue and arikocra ranger as a tag team. The barbarian has the ranger pinned, so the rogue decides to throw a cabbage at his face.

Barbarian: AHHHHH

He springs up, grapples the ranger by the legs. swings him like a golf club, and uses the arikocras head to whack the cabbage across the town while screaming constantly.

#dnddummies #dnd character #dnd #dungeon master #dungeons and dragons #funny #birdman

Colborn the Musical

In our DND campaign our bard got bored while hanging out with the barbarian and after a bit of convincing, ended up writing him a theme song. It is set to the tune of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and includes lines like “he uses orc skins in all of his decorating” and “no ones thicc as Colborn”, and ultimately ended in a very disappointed DM.

#dnddummies #dnd character #dnd #dungeon master #dungeons and dragons #funny #barbarian

Heart of Gold

Our fatigued barbarian had just made it back to an inn after a tough battle with some cultists and wights who were attempting to sacrifice a young child. The rest of our party decided they wanted to talk to the innkeeper and his wife (but apparently we’re being too loud).

Ranger: “what do you know about the occult sacrifices in the forest?”

Barbarian: “SHUT UP”

Barbarian (ooc): “I want to throw my bedside table at the inkeeps”

DM: “.... roll...”

It was an 18.

DM: “You chuck a table down from the balcony where your room is and flatten the innkeepers wife. She is now prone under a table and very much in pain.”

Barbarian (ooc): “Yesss. And now I want to throw the whore that was in my bed down there too at the barkeep.”

Party: “WTF??!”

DM: “.... roll I guess?”

Rolls a 7

DM: “Okay... You throw her but your aim is wide and she lands on and breaks a table in the middle of the room. Thankfully the table cushioned her fall so she’s unhurt but unconscious. Good job.”

Barbarian: “IF YALL DONT SHUT UP ILL DO WORSE NEXT TIME. I’m going to bed...”

Barbarian ooc after seeing our horrified faces: “I may have a soft spot for kiddies but everyone else can go fuck themselves.”

#dnd #dnd character #party #barbarian #dungeons and dragons #Dungeon master #dnddummies #funny #violence #totally ready for battle

weed-and-poetry

They Deal in Pieces (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/r4fzSlNhtU "Everyone knows that you don't sell your soul to a demon. It doesn't matter what he's willing to offer you, you just don't do it. But, what most people don't know is that demons deal in halves and portions. Pieces, I guess you could say. Beauty goes for a quarter of a soul, luck for an eighth, power for a half, and so on. The bigger the prize, the bigger the portion, right? Sort of... Each "gift" from a demon comes with a curse as well. The larger the "gift", the sooner, and more spectacularly, it goes wrong. That's why you never sell your whole soul, you would be annihilated." Please come read my story! I know I am a DND Blog but I am also an amateur writer who would greatly appreciate your support!

Oblivious

Bard: *leaning over to whisper to the dwarf cleric* Hey... its an orc.

Dwarf: *stops squinting at the wall* *gasp* No!

After coming across an overtaken fort where the entire party noticed the orc observing us except for our dwarf cleric.

(A little while later after two more people showed up on the wall)

Bard: Psst... Its still orcs...

Dwarf: *GASP* NO!

#dnd #sarcasm #sarcastic bard #dwarf cleric #orc #oblivious #totally ready for battle

The ultimate Legolas move:

Context: It is our first ever one-shot, the DM is trying to figure out how we play and we are trying to figure out how we play. We are all level one and stuck in a sewer (a halfling rogue, a teifling druid, and an elf ranger). We kill a few goblins in a small cave off the sewer and discover a mimic chest.

Druid: Oh hell no. (OOC) I drop a rope down the cliff and climb down.

Rogue: I’m gonna get eaten!!!!! (OOC) I climb down with her.

Ranger: Wait!! What? You guys are gonna leave me with this thing??

Both: Yup. You can come down too! It’s nice down here.

Ranger: (OOC) Fuck that, I want the XP. Okay... So I'm going to tie my rope to an arrow and shoot it at the mimic, then jump off the cliff, land, and pull it down with me.

DM: YOU CANNOT DO THAT YOU ARE NOT LEGOLAS... Though... you can try using multiple turns...

Ranger: Fine *proceeds to run around the mimic until he has everything set up*

Rogue & Druid: He's gon’ die.

Ranger: *Rolls really well for all his checks and gets to the bottom of the cliff safely*

DM: Fuck.

Our ranger then proceeds to pull the mimic down with a little help from the resigned druid. He decides to celebrate by standing up out of his chair and spinning in circles, completely ignoring our poor DM’s death glare.

#legolas #dnd #mimic #elf ranger #badass #he tried #please dont do this