tabula rasa

26/12: 20 '15

[docilechild]

Revival 2015

Hi hi hi I am back because I decided I needed a space to spill my dubious thoughts once again.

Update: I’m currently in university -- in the last few weeks of the first year to be exact. It’s funny how time has passed so quickly and I’ve gotten over so much but the same troubles and predilections still haunt me.

First of all, let’s talk about academics! First semester went swimmingly and I got a 4.0 GPA, even though I know I could have gotten higher if I tried harder for English (I didn’t because... hello, it’s English). Whatever, I am satisfied. I’m just afraid that this achievement will cause me to become over-confident? I honestly won’t be surprised if I flunk semester 2 at this rate I am crashing. Digital Presentation was a nightmare of desperate, amateur attempts.

Next, my non-existent love life. Hahaha it has been ages since I’ve had a proper relationship. I don’t want those who want me, and those who want me don’t want me enough --> cue a series of ultimately unsatisfying dates and flings. Over here, I have dated a couple of blokes but they never lasted more than, at most, a few dates. I have a very perverse tendency to want those who don’t want me. Case experience: I was full of indifference towards this one very sincere guy, and once he has had enough of my perpetual “I’m busy”s, he retreated and only then did I start finding him intriguing hahaha. But thankfully I came to my senses and that episode is now over - I can’t even remember his name now. Ashley has told me that “love comes when you’re not looking” and I know that is true from personal experience but, ugh, sometimes patience is just out of reach. Especially when you’re alone in a foreign land with new, fragile friendships and the landscape of promises is continually changing as if one is gazing out of the window from the back of a very nauseous car ride. And the car isn’t even yours. 

It’s a very sunny Sunday morning today. It’s also the day the state funeral of our beloved Lee Kuan Yew is going to be carried out. My phone buzzes sluggishly. I still read the messages, but without opening whatsapp, because I want to avoid the inconvenience of the blue ticks and ‘last seen’ stamps. That observation makes me wonder if this inertia is self-evoked, if I am just too picky when I don’t even have the right to be so, if I should start being grateful for my current state in life. By now, I am probably already certified to become an official master of Responsibility Evasion and Wishful Thinking. Retrograde hums in the background. Everything is surreal and painful. 

R.I.P. LKY. You’ve done so much for us and, as a receiver of all those subsequent prosperity and opportunities, I promise you I’ll try my best to re-evaluate my life and pull myself out of this rut. XX here’s to better Sundays.

[docilechild]

what is life

mind you, sometimes innocence needs to be bought. why are some people just so much cleverer, prettier, faster and essentially better? it is common knowledge that life is unfair, though we do try to make a valiant effort to suppress that, but you are still such a bitch for sulking while sitting on your thrones of blatant privileges; let me show you my intangible holes and bruises so you can be a more sensitive human being. yes pity me. yes help me. yes let me take your place. let me rise up past you because, honestly, we hate those who are above us but love being above those below anyway.

I guess I used to think like that because I reveled in my mediocre self-centered universe. But thanks to the cliche but still magical process called "growing up", real change is happening in me ya. having to consciously reaccess priorities and beliefs and fight the panic of truthiness is quite a frightening to-do task. it results in you feeling as if you've been trying to swim across the Atlantic in those kiddy inflatables without even knowing how to swim, aka plain dumb. 

maybe it's the exams season that is fueling this combustion of moralisms. I'm being drawn to multiple directions and it's wearing me pretty damn thin. I have been working on this for two whole years (six, if you include secondary school) and it just hurts that I am still so disappointingly average. This is not supposed to happen - or is this elite academia simply an empty promise? I may sound great on paper but, ha ha ha, am I really? Or am I still just that dowdy girl who slouches half-awake when she studies, because she isn't "immensely passionate" about every single topic she is required to regurgitate in just two weeks to come. I 'm still that little thing pulled together with insecurity and childish penchants for cheap thrills, sleep and irresponsible eating habits. I sleep too late because I'm terrible at time management and I lose my tempers sometimes. will you accept me into your college pretty please?

ok I don't know where I was even planning to go with this. I'll write again when I'm in a clearer phase of mind.

I'm going to go cut my hair now. (to convince myself that there's still revolutionary courage within my hollow self/ the shit hair will make me better person and be thankful for all the smaller things in life)

[docilechild]

maybe this is why the house feels bigger each time i return

[docilechild]

just got back from poetry slam at a for arbite

"My hobbies include editing my life story, hiding behind metaphors and trying to convince my shadow that I'm someone worth following." -- 'My Honest Poem' by Rudy Francisco

[docilechild]

PRELIMS ARE OVER!!!

and it's just 5 weeks to a levels but I'm gonna just let the rest of this week go and have a whirl of freedom which I am, truthfully, undeserving of because, despite all the work I forced myself to do I still couldn't deliver in the end --> I'm not as clever as the average joe in an elite school like mine so I'll need to buck up even more.

and I need to run and take note of the food I consume as well because my hard-wrought discipline is slowly getting eroded away by spineless excuses and late-night misery. :( even if I fail academically I cannot lose this sense of respect for myself and my body! who the hell eats butter cookies, glazed sweet potatoes and nut-filled bread at early hours of the morning when burning the midnight oil, then feel upset at the bulk at the tummy, then continue the vicious cycle of rubbish-eating???

resolutions & commitments! the end of prelims is only but a wakeup call sigh here goes nothiiiiing

p.s. went out today after the last paper with kim and min and stuffed myself nasty sigh but at least it was quality food worth eating (sashimi, soy ice cream, real octopus takoyaki). reflection: think we all have our own problems - some which are momentous and some which are frankly just exaggerated by our worrying mindsets - but it's nice to talk about them with people who care.

for myself: i really need to do something about my talking-to-fill-the-space habit and, also, stop being so critical about everything.

[docilechild]

Like a bastard on the burning sea

i'm mad i'm really so full of rage now that my "count to 10 in bright colours and think of your happiest memory" trick isn't even working anymore who are you to say this to me do you even know the responsibilities you should be upholding & how am i supposed to make this and my life work if you don't even care??? hello where did you ever learn that human civilisation can be sustained with nonchalance? really wish I didn't have to talk to you today and I guess I should have know better that you'll never stop resting on your laurels and stepping on my toes.

I feel as dumb and distressed as if i'm on the donner party ugh i'm so hyperbolic today.

[docilechild]

limbo

I feel like a stay home mom except that my child = my studies and i don't particularly love it as much as i would my child (assumption). there's a reason why "stay home mom depression" appears as a suggestion when you type "stay home mom". 

I'm only one still up in the house now and I hear a distant motorbike drive through the cimmerian shade of the living room. I wonder who it was, where he/she is going, whether he/she feels safe on singaporean roads. maybe what he/she actually really wanted is a car but the coe was too expensive. maybe he/she's already sick of having to balance on two wheels and to lean onto the gritty bitumen every single time just to stop; I wonder if he/she feels suffocated when forced to choose whether to lean to the left or right. what's right; what's left? maybe the pride (and convenience, of course) that comes with having a vehicle you can call your own really isn't enough to make one happy. what's the person doing out so late?

the whirring fan isn't really being a friendly companion and my seahist notes is infuriatingly never-ending. major distraction and motivation: there's a half-read christopher isherwood book at the far end of my table that i am just dying to read but I know I shouldn't. it's half-read because I spent yesterday reading it. yes, when I should have been pretending to be the perfect girl I never was but still try to be!!!

i wish i could say "screw perfection" but it's hard when I know the general perception of that running through my family is actually attainable - just that i always lack the self-control to even try. the bar is set pretty low and just keeps declining with every failure i produce. i think most of that originates from a disappointing (to them... and, hence, to me) lack of desire to adhere to that narrow definition of "perfection" anyway.

Was just talking about parents with min just before school broke for this mega-mugging week and it's comforting to realise that so many thoughts and beliefs that one'd think is unique to oneself is actually as prosaic as drinking tap-water. I think what really smothers both of us is that culture of polite silence, of eyes that don't correspond to what tumbles out of the mouth, of limp fingers that don't touch. am I just being too idealistic about what I want the people around me to be like -- and too selfish as well perhaps?

is it normal to feel mildly bitter when your father comes home everyday at 1am, you're at your computer chair and he doesn't even say hi but simply goes about his own business: wash up, read some newspaper (even though the day is already past) while waiting for his hair to dry and then slip into sleep? and all that not because the two of you fell out but just that he's afraid of disturbing your examination revision and a prolonged exercise of that has resulted in a bland, distant relationship between the two of you. it's tolerably uncomfortable.

a few friends caught up with me today and I realised that with most of them, our topics of conversations are always v limited. I like to think that says a lot about who we are, what we care about and the friendship between us -- but nowadays i just can't get it out of my head that the issue is just with me. I'm the contaminant in the relationship because I always think that there's nothing else left to say.

but e.g. if you want to talk about cupcakes with me, well, there're only so many flavours and methods. what else can you talk about? oh when will each of us bake again? you're so good at baking! wow that looks super yummy. omg but so fattening! ya I ate, like, 3 cupcakes today i'm sooo full and happy (this is obviously me trying to pull off the 'I eat shit all day long but never gets fat hehe' card which is just balderdash and piffle because I actually get slightly paranoid and guilty when I eat so much junk)

i'm always caught up in "what's next what's next" and when there's nothing left.... well, let's go back and try again! I lost sense of time for the whole of the past week and tomorrow will probably be the first time i step out of the house since Sunday when I visited the doctor's. and trina's flying off tomorrow. and I couldn't meet her today even though i baked for her ugh because my bloody, goddamn eye infection decided to blow up again. ohoho murphy's my new bff.

ok to be frank, hard work can and will get you anywhere so I'm going back to the minh mang and pongyis now. heh I love rolling those sounds off my tongue: minh maaaaaahhng + pOOOng-yee! byebye

[docilechild]

wish I was/ am/ am going to be rich (enough to pay for university)

[docilechild]

lesson learnt?

you know the absolutely "ugh" moment when you get caught out on something, especially something that you've had second thoughts about doing but did so anyway after prolonged preparation so that others won't see through you? it's a mix of déjà vu, because you had already played this scene out in your head before when you were considering the riskiness of the deed, and a sense of absolute disgust at yourself for even doing it in the first place.

wtf la i never learn.

sometimes i wonder why i'm so inclined towards such self-endangering, stupid acts - am i just trying to fill a void within me? perhaps a void of insecurity, of neediness, or of just plain just-because-i-can?? is this unhappiness mainly self-induced? maybe it's because I always want more than I need/ I am able to achieve. basic human nature but what differentiates us apart is what one does with that desire. 

I wonder why it's such a terrible thing to make such a natural instincts known: like letting people realise that you are feeling really angry, or jealous, or attention-seeking, or simply self-aggrandising, hmm actually right, it's always the people who feel comfortable with letting known such attributes who are the attractive, charismatic ones - i think we look up to them because, unlike us, they actually dare to do so.

ok maybe not the attention-seekers or the perpetually furious ones or the peacocks but .... y'know~

[docilechild]

Maison Martin Margiela Couture Fall/Winter 2013-14

DISAPPOINTING!!! UGH!!! the mom jeans were underwhelming to say the least, the pieces of patterned cloth (attempt at an oriental spin?) hanging off the arms were mostly unnecessary and tacky, gaudy choice of fabric in some areas & yux yux yux at the closing outfit. :( :( :(

this is so depressing except maybe the burgundy coat at 0.21 & the flower outfit at 2.18 sigh.

[docilechild]

mr purvis

“I’m just interested in people on the edges. I feel an affinity for people who haven’t had the best breaks in society. What I want to do more than anything is acknowledge their existence.” -Mary Ellen Mark

[docilechild]

national day

it was your 48th birthday yesterday and i spent it

waking up at 1pm

doing math yux

having an ichiban sushi feast with parents that overshot our budget but underwhelmed our expectations

nomming amazing mugiya sweet potato buns that i had been craving for the entire MONTH (kept dreaming about them I swear) + finally tried their cheesecake.... that we never want to buy again hahaha

with a whole lot of unneeded frustration at metro over a purchase of a 399$ pressure cooker, which some nifty google searches assured me that it was an amazing buy.

reaching home just in time to catch the fireworks on tv and the random scramble of singaporeans trying to shake the president's hand/ touch his silvers of waxed hair (which dad commented was "v stylo meh - too long alr la should cut ns style")

checking my phone that never gets any messages because I'm loved in other ways!!! (!!!) (!!!) uuhhg

making no effort to mould my destiny. I feel like a grainy spot fettered by wind columns and civilised people and stylistic academia

(who I am) vs. (who I really am) vs. (who I want to be) vs. (who I am supposed to be) vs (does it actually matter)

my life's so prosaic lor hahaha and isn't it funny how it's so alike to s'pore? maybe this is my national spirit coming through. :) just like how the country always tries to put up this extravagant, successful and perfect front but when it comes to what really matters, she's nothing more than just her humbling past and a puncturing sense of it's-never-enough, i think I'm also constantly encumbered by the routine.

not saying that it is a noxious phenomenon (in fact it's just human nature isn't it) but isn't that just quite sad?

[docilechild]

happy sunday

today's a bright splotch! a peach in the sky! a jewel of a pauper!

so glad that IT is finally all over. I kind of assumed this outcome from the start until the severity of the situation hit me out of my naivety and forced me to rethink so many of my childishly rooted priorities and values. sigh, that was a hell lot of anguished tears and despair! thank goodness it's past; thank you world and thank you everyone omg omg I'll make sure I am worth it I PROMISE

yesterday was players farewell and i loved it! still can't believe that the j1s planned such an extravagant event for us even though we all know that our two batches are so distant we don't even know many of each others' names. I guess this is where our natural human incline towards nostalgia come in. we all /want/ to make memories even if they aren't truly special, you see - we will /make/ them special anyway. I don't really know how to react to the juniors who thanked me for being so "friendly and approachable" even though "I've only spoken to you once at the ticket booth during college play": ashamed & upset about myself for not trying harder/ bemused/ nonchalant/ touched/ accomplished??? this is so aww but strange at the same time.

this week only has 2 proper school days yayayayayayyy the rest are holidays for national day (friday). actually, the days off won't exactly be v fun because i'll have to study from day ~ night but at least NO SCHOOL!!! p.s. the wave of emotion i'm experiencing now really reminds me of my lower secondary school days but obv i feel much better now.

had a good dinner today with family (I'm honestly thankful <3)

woke up yesterday, looked into the mirror and I thought I actually looked good!!! that didn't last till today but, aiya, still worth mentioning because it has been so long. :)

bought chai at starbucks today instead of my usual mint tea because I felt adventurous. felt really good when the unfamiliar smell clouded my mind and pissed my tablemates off because it "smells damn sia" because I was actually trying new things again! idk when I returned to playing it safe (because I was too lazy/ tired/ scared/ poor) but i'm glad i'm leaving that phase!!! tbh the chai actually lived up to its smell and tasted gross but that is not the point. 

actually can't wait to see everyone again tomorrow; being around people forces me to become a better person, i feel. hmm give it an excessively prolonged amount of time and i will BE a better person (w or w/o the social pressure)

actually, I still actively avoid people I know in the morning by scuttling into shadows and stuffing my phone into my face pretending that I'm already heavily preoccupied and therefore i really Didn't Mean to Ignore You. it's not that I hate your face or personality but I just don't really like socialising. I can tolerate doing that for the rest of the day because I understand it's a mandatory duty but .... let me just have the morning to myself alright? :/

WALAU sometimes I feel like the above and yet other times I feel sad that no one wants to talk to me??? I feel like such an indecisive (?) person! and that is accompanied by the knowledge that fickle-mindedness is one of the most annoying qualities in a person ever (this fun-fact is from some list from thoughtcatalog - not exactly credible but I completely agree with that point) zz goodnight it's 1AM.

[docilechild]

[docilechild]

started last year

you know that if you're blogging everyday it means that you're most likely 1) screwed up or 2) vvv bored and nothing to do (aka boliao). it's a pity that, for me, it's 1) for me and 2) simply remains a v distant dream.

just got The Email and even though I kind of expected it from the very start (despite being offered false hope in the beginning) given the severity of the situation, it just hurts y'know?? I can't believe what a fucking dumbshit i was oh my god oh my god my mind's spilling out now.

just trying to take my mind off it by making chickpea salad just now (peeling & peeling the skins with my trembly fingers) but I let myself get so caught up with what dad had to do for me and what I have to do next week and what the lawyers said today in their matter-of-fact voices today and the grainy, cold statements and I just blacked out for a moment. it's all just so (too?) terrifying.

even my parents try avoid the topic completely, or give it another name, as if that'll make it go away. how the hell am i supposed to feel better about it when I know I can't share it with anyone at all? i know claire and lionel have access to this platform which is why I keep using such vague terms to talk about it because I don't really want them to know about this but yet on the other hand i do and it's all just v confusing and maybe it's just me being attention-seeking and concern-whoring because i keep believing that I'm completely unworthy and because i try so hard but

rasghskgawuidsblpjk

should stop being so emotional because that will just tire people out (since no one truly cares about anyone other than themselves) and emotions improve shit-bollocks.

time to be all smiley to the world now!!!

(i'll get by. i must hahaha no choice.)

[docilechild]

because you're/ having fun does mean you're not going to/ die

[docilechild]

quick click

I'm really glad I don't really have anxiety issues even though some days it gets so tiring that I grow whingey and simply give up on myself, mindlessly attributing all my problem to my non-existent psychological issues. then i read something like that which slaps my indulgent self right across the face.

and what's better to think about than nostalgia huhuhu that's the new buzzword of today and the reigning hipster generation isn't it? it's so inherent but the way it's being commercialised and packaged today is really messing with my feelings towards such a concept.

gorgeous & slick colour-coded universe, which was what I had in mind for a blog initially but gave up because it just wasn't a goal worthy enough to pull me out of my permanent lazy-tunnel.

some home-truths: when your mother says she's fat... mama never did but I remember calling her fat once when I was in p1 and stupid and rude and immature and doomed with a flawed perception of the world. thinking about it now still makes me want to kick myself and buy her even more sk2 products in apology.

recently been addicted to reading feminist commentary on the kpop industry

super interesting! how love works in china! 'd love to watch the full-length film but will probably never get to because i still dk how to work the whole torrenting fiasco.