I've Got My Philosophy @docilestream - Tumblr Blog

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I’ve needed a night guard for ages. I was seeing an orthodontist who was trying to not put me in braces while he got my teeth in better positioning and who refused to make a night guard for me. Since then, my teeth have worn down to nubs. They are so flat. I have been scared to find a new provider, worried I won’t like them, worried they wont hear my concerns, etc.

So I finally looked into different options for female dentists in the area. I really prefer a female, though I liked my former orthodontist (I just think he was being too hands off and I didn’t realize it until it was too late; I don’t fully blame him, but I do think he should have seen that my bottom teeth were actually a bigger issue than my top teeth, and he should have heard me when I said I felt like my tongue didn’t have enough room and my teeth were getting worn down). Anyway, I got a recommendation from Aden’s dentist and looked at their website and it looks super fancy... like they are all about cosmetics and that’s it. I looked at other options for dentists who take my insurance and picked out one who looked friendly and said she liked hiking and her kids. But when I called, I was told the entire office she is at is not taking new patients.

Seriously? This is what it is like anywhere anymore. No one seems to be available when you need them. I have to go back and look again or pick someone I wasn’t as excited to work with. It’s such a stressful process for me to begin with. I wouldn’t have had to see my orthodontist at all if I had just had new retainers made when my old ones broke/were accidentally thrown out when Aden was a baby. But I felt overwhelmed and didn’t feel like I could have anyone watch him and I was just scared.

The thing is, there were TONS of dentists who came up on my search for providers who take my insurance. So many. I have options. But when there are so many dentists here, why is the one I want booked up? The dentist I wanted is also closer to where I live. Many others are in locations I really don’t want to visit. Closer to downtown. Sketchier parts of the city. I’m just annoyed that I went through all of this emotional work to make a decision and then I have to do it all over again.

negacion-deactivated20180706

“Blocking people for having different opinions is bad” I mean, kinda, but consider this - not all of us use this stupid website for The Discourse and you’re not entitled to my time, attention, and mental energy just because you wanna argue. Fuck all the way off. It’s not that deep, it’s a blogging website, and people who get preachy about being blocked probably said some stupid shit they got ignored for and can’t handle it like a big kid.

Blocking people who bother you or in any way disrupt your day is good for your skin. This isn’t real life, so utilize such a cool ability to your heart’s desire.

docilestream

Yessssssss. THIS. If you printed my block list from Facebook it would be a trilogy in length.

Aden was being a little resistant about bedtime, so I pulled out his train-themed pajama shirt and said, "All aboard the Aden Evening Express! With destination of Sleepytown! All aboard!" He thought that was hilarious. I later explained we would make a stop at Readingsville with the final destination of Sleepytown. He loved it and was much more cooperative. Can I be that creative in times of struggle maybe all the time? That would be nice.

Aden: Who are you?

Me: I'm me!

Aden: But who are you?

Me: I'm myself! Who are you?

Aden: No, but what is your name?

Me: I'm LazyBones. Who are you? (No response.) Are you LazyBones, too?

Aden: No. I'm... CrazyBones!

Seriously, though. I'm tired.

I just wrote this whole heartfelt entry and the program closed when I hit send.

marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer

2.15 phases // 3.22 graduation day part 2 // 6.09 smashed

Aden really wants a sibling. I wish so much that we had had a baby sooner. I wanted another but Paul didn't and still doesn't. He tells me, "If you really want to..." Which, you know, sounds like he's giving me permission to give him a death sentence. My hormones have been all out of whack again lately. I had a huge surge of "give me all the babies" about a month ago. But I know my body is a mess and wouldn't likely hold a baby. Still, I talked with Aden about it a bit at bedtime once because my feelings were so intense and I wanted to see if he even wanted a sibling before trying to make that happen. He was all over it. And he still is periodically telling me how he wants a baby - both how he will meet a woman when he gets older (which I have told him he can also meet a man or adopt or whatever suits him) and have a baby and how I should have a baby. I have told him I don't know my body can even have a baby. It was difficult to conceive and carry him. I had to work really hard. I'd need to exercise and eat more and drink more water. He says I need to do those things and that he will help me. I don't see a new baby coming to fruition. But I'm also a goal-oriented person. Having a specific purpose helps me get something done. I need to work on my health no matter what. I need a cheerleader and whip-cracker, too. I make no promises. But I absolutely need to eat more and eat better and exercise and stop sitting so much. They're positive things no matter what.

We drove down to San Jose last week to visit my mother-in-law and friends and to get a copy of my marriage license so I can get a driver’s license here in Oregon. It’s a long drive -- 6.5 to 7.5 hours, depending on traffic and stops. We made it in record time on the way there but it took a good bit longer heading home.

Anyway, I listen to music pretty much the whole time. That’s how I get through it. I play music I love and I sing along. Early in the drive, I mentioned to Aden that he could always let me know if he didn’t like a song. “I like all of the songs you play, Momma!” was his reply. Melt. My. Heart.

On the drive home, somehow during the last hour I just started making up songs. Well, two. But two in an hour isn’t bad. :P Aden loved that and we sang them together round and round. They were just choruses. He freestyled some verses on one, though.

He’s been traveling with me since four months old. It’s old hat. I did give him art supplies -- washable crayons and pens, a coloring book, an activity book with stickers, some other stickers. But for the most part it’s just sitting and listening to music and looking out the window and sometimes talking to each other. And eating snack foods.

Aden is a fairly mellow kid, but he definitely has his aggressive times. We met up with a new mom and son the other day at a park. The boys played well immediately. (To be honest, and not really braggy but maybe a little, Aden gets along with pretty much everyone. It isn’t that he is never rejected, nor that he never has issues with peers, but he isn’t a dominating personality excepting rare occasions and is more of a go-along or easy-going type of person.) I chatted with the mom and the boys mostly just did their thing without our interference.

After a while, they tried to go down by a creek. The other mom’s foot is broken and she wasn’t able to go after them, so we both were kind of yelling at them to stay closer. They didn’t like that. Aden was asking why. Etc., etc. So I went toward them to enforce that we wanted them to stay close. While over there, they found this ribbonlike stuff that shined like VHS tape ribbon. They started calling it “magic tape.” At one point, the other boy hid some in the dirt and told Aden he would show him a trick, then had Aden close his eyes and he revealed the magic tape. Aden’s jaw dropped. :P

A little while later, a mom comes over to us, asking about something and referencing a shirt. I couldn’t tell what she said and thought she was looking for a lost piece of clothing. “Is one of you the mother of a boy in a tan shirt?” Oh. Aden was wearing grey. The other mom’s boy was wearing blue. “My son has long hair,” I said. She replied, “Then he’s yours. Your son pushed my daughter.” Oh joy. I didn’t even want to get into that, but that’s what happens when you are a parent. I told her I was fine with her talking to him. “I think it’s good for kids to hear from other adults,” I said. But honestly, I didn’t want to go talk to him. He hates even the slightest tone of confrontation or criticism and runs away or deflects or acts out more. She said she doesn’t think that’s her place unless she has permission from the other parent, and I again said it was fine to speak with him about it.

Later, in the car on the way home, I brought it up with him, asking what happened. He openly said that he pushed her and that hurt my heart. “She said it wasn’t magic tape!” he cried. Oh boy. I talked with him about how it’s never okay to hurt other people (this is not some new conversation; he just usually -doesn’t- hurt other people intentionally... or, really, it’s me he attacks, not others), but also that anyone can have any belief they want. No one has to believe what you believe. No one has to agree with you. It isn’t worth getting angry over.

It was wild to me that this was what set him off enough to push someone. Granted, I am sure he was hungry at that point. I sure was. If I keep him well fed he is so much more grounded and moves on from things easily, etc. I had made breakfast that day but it was close to lunch at that point and the breakfast wasn’t that large. When we got in the car, he immediately accepted a Larabar, but he had refused food when he was on the playground. He won’t stop playing to eat, so I really have to front load him a lot to keep him stable.

I know he isn’t the only kid who has hurt another child. But man, that was such a blow to hear that. I didn’t want to believe it at first, but I also didn’t doubt the little girl -- there was no reason for her to lie. I apologized to her on his behalf before they went to speak to him. I don’t know if he apologized; he often gets embarrassed and tries to run away from that responsibility. I’ve tried to follow up on that as much as I can because apologizing, which I definitely also do model to him, is so important. He also touches things constantly and wiped off some letters on a board at the library yesterday and I made him go to the librarian in the area and let her know (though he wouldn’t say it and cowered, so I had to) so it could be re-written. I didn’t make a big deal about it, I just know I feel embarrassed too and I want him to learn that these things are not big deals -- but, really, even if they were, it is still best to own up to your choices.

Man, parenting...

I’ve been making a lot of faux pho lately (I say faux because I’ve never had pho and don’t know how it is traditionally made, I just kind of skimmed some recipes and then did what I thought made sense to get the flavor profile I wanted). It’s a really quick chicken soup with a lot of ginger, basically. Then, when it is cooked and in my bowl, I add fresh basil, cilantro, mint and chives, plus lime juice.

Paul went to the store the other day and I was out of my herbs so I asked him to get some for me. I texted him this information. I said not to get chives if they were yellow, as they are too old and I throw out most of the carton.

He came back and put the groceries away. Later, I glanced in the fridge and saw two cartons, so I assumed he had gotten my mint and cilantro and not chives.

Yesterday, Aden and I did a little shopping at a chain grocery store I only go to rarely. As soon as I entered the produce area, the cilantro screamed at me. It was so fragrant. I thought, “I already have some at home, but this smells so damned good, and it’s only $1, so no big deal if I don’t end up getting to it.”

Today, I am making my faux pho, and I went to get the cartons out of herbs out of the fridge just now and what did I find? Mint and chives, no cilantro. So it’s a good thing the cilantro spoke so loudly to me in the store! The soup really needs all of these things, plus the basil that Paul also got me, and the lime juice. Leave one out and it’s surprisingly fairly bland.

The universe is pretty funny sometimes. I’m glad I was listening.

over-sleep

nymphomanik

i never thought i would say this about a fish but wow what an asshole

just-tea-thanks

Science side of tumblr, can I get an explanation?

brevityandclarity

@elodieunderglass

elodieunderglass

(Science lecturer voice) and here we observe a fish just being a real jerk

Student: but why

Me: asshole behavior is a conserved trait in chordates

onlyblackgirl

She found his side hoes.

docilestream

This made me laugh entirely too hard.

efbombmom-deactivated20190105

Yes darling

The pump does not magically jump into your car. You ACTUALLY have to get out and put the nozzle IN your car. First time at a fucking gas station?

frank-macmurphy-deactivated2020

maybe the person has been in a coma for the past forty years lol

the-kxpx-deactivated20201015

…or from Oregon. We aren’t allowed to pump our own gas. It’s weird as hell to come in as an outsider and be scolded by a dude in a hi-vis vest for touching his pump.

I imagine natives that leave the first time feel weird about having to do it themselves.

generalistherbalist

I actually met my husband when I left the state for the first time and let my car almost run out of gas because I didn’t know how to use a gas pump.

docilestream

We just moved to OR, and I used to pump my own gas so now I have to let someone else do it... and that's weird. But it's state law. And it makes it harder for people to put skimmers on the pumps like they did all the time back in CA.

I updated my app, now I'm getting suggested posts again. Just stop it, Tumblr! Why do you insist on making suggested posts happen? Suggested posts aren't going to happen.

Aden has been sneaking and lying lately, which I know is developmentally appropriate, but it's still frustrating. He does things like try to drop & step on food he doesn't want to eat. Last night he dropped two pieces of Brussels sprouts, so I had him pick them up and told him calmly how it was no big deal because I had a few more pieces in the pan, so I just replaced the ones he dropped. He did eat the rest, but initially he had tried to leave the table after eating only his chicken. I try not to be pushy about food, but I am tired of him wasting food and not eating enough vegetables. So I tell him that's what I made and he needs to eat it if I know he has eaten it before. I only make him eat part or most of a meal if it is stewed/slow cooked because he has never liked those things. Beyond that, if I see a mess and ask him what happened, he will either claim his cousin A did it or that he doesn't know. I don't get super mad about stuff, so I don't know why he feels the need to hide. I always tell him it just needs to be cleaned up or to try hard to not do it again. He isn't being shamed or mocked or threatened. He also will sometimes ask me if he can have things like popsicles and candy, but in general just takes them when I am not around. I had had some candy hidden so I could decide when I felt it was appropriate to eat it but Paul decided the thing hiding it should be moved elsewhere, so once Aden knew where it was he just kept taking it. So I'm just not buying anymore. He doesn't need it in the slightest. Finally, in silliness, last night at bedtime Aden was telling me how we should make some chemical reactions today. He had just watched some Bill Nye earlier in the evening. I asked what kind of chemicals we should use. "Well... water," he said. And some sort of sodium... nitrate? I was half asleep myself. Then he said, "Actually, you should pour that into the water. I'll stand away a bit. That should be safer." What? I asked, "What if it explodes?" So he replied, "Well, you just run away." :P That cracked me up. Thanks for sacrificing me, son.

A few weeks ago we decided we wanted our bed back. So I talked with Aden about it and started carrying him back to his bed when he came into our bed at night. We had a few nights where he crawled into our bed, but for the most part he has been able to sleep all night in his bed or wake us enough to help him back to sleep in his bed. When he accidentally hurt my lip/face a while back, I sent Paul in to finish bed time and Aden wouldn't have it. But now Paul can go in there with him and he will go back to sleep. People act like kids can't adapt. They can and will. It may take longer for some kids than others. I knew Aden wouldn't be in our bed forever. I just didn't know if the transition would be a huge challenge.

I was talking with Aden about how I stayed up late researching genealogy. And we were talking about how most people don’t get to know their great grandparents because they have passed away before they are born. And we ended up taking about the age I was when he was born and how old I am now. He said one day he would be as old as me, then he said one day he would be older than me. I said that was possible but I would have to live a shorter life than him - die at a younger age than he was when he died. At some point after this, he said something about how if I was dead I would be gone “foreverrrrr.” I said that was true. “If Daddy was gone, you’d have to take care of me -and- go to Daddy’s work!” I laughed about that for a long time. He thought that I would have to take on Paul’s position and work load if he were to pass away or go away somehow. I don’t know, it really made me crack up.

The Dismemberment Plan - Life of Possibilities

“If it's a life of possibilities that pulls you away, that claws and tears and challenges you to stay, well, then... If it's a life of possibilities that you've gotta live then don't be surprised when they don't remember you, or simply don't want to, yea yea yea...”

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