Dodging Ennui & Other Bullets

[dodgingennui]

About 2, maybe 3 a.m.

Driving on an empty boulevard, zigzagging between cockroaches and prostitutes, with nowhere to go, nothing to tweet, many prayers, but no one to listen.

I think to myself, "This is how the great ones must have lost it."

I smile at the thought, then go about missing more turns and more prayers.

[dodgingennui]

Power Rankings: Kuya characters ranked worst to best

Let's rank the characters from the pinaka-hassle to pinaka-solid.

Kuya (2004) is an underrated coming-of-age film that you only get to appreciate when you watch it 12 years later on 240p quality.

It’s about a group of friends who struggle with unwanted pregnancy, bad parenting, drugs, and an annoying ‘Amboy’--all in one drama-filled summer. There’s also a scene where boy plays basketball with girl in a flirting manner because why not.

ICYMI, here’s a link to the full movie in all its pixelated glory:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kJoFswnklw.

If you’ve seen it, skip ahead to the power rankings, which are based on this totally legit, scientific question: Would you hang out with these guys?

10. NOY

Noy is the worst balikbayan in the history of movies. If there ever was a definitive ranking for balikbayans in Pinoy films, he’d also rank the worst in that list (Tanging Yaman’s Andrew comes second-worst).

The first time fresh-from-LA Noy meets his cousin Ted’s friends, he asks if he can drive “Carias”–the group’s trustworthy pickup truck. Big rookie mistake. Pro tip, Noy: If you want to ask for the ball on the first play of your first game, don’t. Just don’t.

Put it this way, if Noy just had to decency to skip his flight to the Philippines, then Kuya could’ve ended at the 9:46 mark--everyone goes home happy and drunk; the only antagonist is a bad hangover; and their summer is (spoiler alert) death-free.

Noy is a murderer who doesn’t care if you step on broken shards of glass at a party. Hassle siya.

9. CHLOE

Chloe is the token promiscuous teen who engages in drunk sex with the balikbayan (still SMH at you, Noy), and gets pregnant. Where are Chloe’s parents? We need to talk.

Her response when someone professes love for her is pure trash poetry that can only be written by a promiscuous teen who engages in drunk sex with a balikbayan:

“Hindi porket kinokolekta mo mga pictures ko, mahal mo na ko. Malay ko ba, baka pinagba-batehan mo lang ako.”

Chloe’s thought process is laughable in two languages.

8. VINCENT

Is gay? Is he a pervert? These are the questions you’ll be asking yourself each time Vincent, an alleged masturbator, gets screentime.

Noy and Chloe lost to Vincent because there’s no cinematic universe where their actions can be justified. Vincent, meanwhile, could have been awesome as a complex character in a dark and twisted indie film, like Donnie Darko. But unfortunately for him, Kuya is not Donnie Darko.

7. DITTO

Ditto is a kind, hardworking student and part-time barista who falls for the wrong type of girl. I fell asleep twice typing that sentence. Next!

6. GRACE

She came out alive despite being Noy’s love interest and Chloe’s younger sister. That in itself is a monumental feat.

Grace is polite and harmless--a pretty girl version of May Bukas Pa’s Santino. Her drink of choice is bottled water and she wants to take up writing in college (“Anong kurso non?”).

There are two things she can’t resist: guitar-playing bad boys and, probably, clickbait headlines.

5. BARBS

“Hindi mo ko inano?” “Gusto mo ba akong halikan?”

Only Barbs can say these things and get away with it. She is confidently bad with a heart. She also confidently wears a red bandanna without a hint of shame. Kudos.

Bonus points for this killer line at a beach trip:

“Hindi niyo sinabi sa akin na school outing pala to, may kasama tayong principal?”

Barbs got bars.

4. TED

The de facto leader of the group, Ted is a decent chess player, a believable varsity baller, and an excellent swimmer (he can kiss underwater).

He would’ve leapfrogged KN for third place, but he exhibited symptoms of “utak bola” on two crucial instances: 1) asking for penoy when the vendor is clearly selling balut, and worse, 2) introducing his cousin Noy to the group--imagine being at an awesome house party: everyone is chilling and sipping ice cold beers. Biggie blaring in the background. Life is good. Then the host serves spoiled spaghetti, and all the guests partake. They all end up puking in the bathroom, downed by food poisoning. Party over. The house reeks of vomit. Ted is the host; Noy is spaghetti.

3. KN

By default, the designated driver always finishes in the top 3 of any character ranking. KN is that guy in Kuya. Thank God for the glue guy (“Wala namang kailangang ilaglag a!”), the one who saves the group from being just a bunch of random teens making bad choices.

2. FERDIE

Insecure, foul-mouthed, and reeks of nicotine, Ferdie is the only real, real teenager in the group. He is Pare Ko’s Francis but angrier.

His total curse count runs in the double digits and he smiles about three times the whole movie. This happens when you have people like Vincent and Ditto as friends and Chloe--who he proposes to (!!!)--as your girlfriend.

Ferdie is a tortured soul and he only wants to have fun, play video games, and study “AB Tangina.” Like real-life Baron Geisler, let’s just leave him alone.

1. JILL

Jill, a Filipina Laney Boggs aspiring to be a lawyer, is Kuya’s pinaka-solid character because she’s the only one in the group who knows what a moonrise is. There’s a plethora (a word Jill probably uses in casual talk) of reasons why she is pure fire, but let’s start with this scene:

Jock driving a Fortuner: Can I bring you home? Jill aka Kuya’s best character: Of course you can, but you may not.

And that’s not even her best Tweetable line in the movie. This is:

“Nahihiya kang pagbayarin ako, pero hindi ka nag-hesitate na saktan ako.”

Look at Ted’s face. That’s the look of regret, the “oh shit” look, the look of someone who just sent a work email riddled with spelling errors and bad grammar or tweeted something insensitive--and knowing that you can never, ever take it back.

Such is the power of Jill--a strong, smart, independent, and forgiving teenager. She’s probably rolling her eyes right now at your self-serving Facebook rants. God bless you po, Jill.

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[With inputs from @saimpossible​; screengrabs from YouTube]

[dodgingennui]

Sunday Worship.

For the past four weeks, residents of a small barangay in Quezon City have gathered here for their Sunday habit. This is the mall. This is church. This is their PBA. 

It was 12 noon on a Sunday and the game was as intense as the heat. Team White vs Team Blue. A chance to meet Team Black in the finals was on the line.

The jersey of the smallest guy on the court said “Westbrook” at the back, but his moves screamed “LA Tenorio”–a highlight reel of crossovers and high loopers like it was the 2012 Jones Cup.

On one play, he asked for a clear out from the left side of the court and surveyed the floor, which in this 3-on-3 league is a cement driveway with a free-throw line and three-point arc marked by heavy duty masking tape.

“Saksakan mo!” someone shouted from the crowd. And that’s exactly what he did. The defense had no chance.

On another possession, he played court general and connected with a cutting teammate.

“Utol ko ‘yan,” Gomer, one of the spectators, told me. Gomer plays for Team Black, and his brother, Mark, plays for Team White. He watched the important semi-final game to scout the competition.

Gomer takes the games seriously–a trophy and P1,000 cash are at stake for the champions.

Players had to cough up P25 each to join the league, a small amount to cover expenses for the trophy itself, game officials, and masking tape, perhaps.

Midway in the third quarter, the referee inexplicably exited the game (running away as if he forgot something was cooking in the oven), prompting the crowd to play hot potato with the whistle. The players used the downtime wisely by replenishing lost electrolytes and fluids with buko juice.

Several people walking along West Ave. paused once in a while to watch a highlight or two, probably intrigued by the novelty of it all: six guys in Harden, Love, Irving, Westbrook, and Gilas Pilipinas jerseys going all out by the street as if thousands–and not 30 people–were watching.

A bigger crowd is expected next Sunday for the finals, when Gomer will take a break from being a cigarette vendor and suit up as a Brgy. Bungad All-Star to face Team White and his brother.

It’s going to be a big game for a small barangay that worships basketball–let’s all hope the referee stays this time.

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(First published on BuhayBasket.com)

[dodgingennui]

The fear is that I forget, or am forgotten--memory can be flimsy Days can be a blur These words of Bukowski, songs of Mayberry Amy Leon's poetry, like Banksy They leave images in the head "We were here," the vandal said.

The fear is that everything will go dark one day Infinitely silent--music came, danced, then went Like Escolta without beggars Lips that were never kissed A Pentax without film A blur That no one saw, And no one missed.

[dodgingennui]

The internet can be a dark and dirty place, but if look past the filth, and take the right turns, you can find a heartwarming photo, a pizza recipe, or this song.

[dodgingennui]

Because reminiscing takes effort. Nostalgia is a curse. Throwbacks are overrated. And hashtags are meh 

[dodgingennui]

Jesus Christ our Savior died on the cross to cook us Chicken and Waffles.

[dodgingennui]

They’ve always warned us about Manic Monday But they forgot to tell us how to prepare for Tragic Tuesday.

[dodgingennui]

The mind.

[dodgingennui]

Read.

Let the words seep into your veins. Until you can no longer see straight. Until you can’t feel your legs. Until your judgment is impaired. Until you regret ever taking in the first word. Until you swear to God this is the last time. Until you throw up. And pass out.

[dodgingennui]

Some people never go EDSA. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

[dodgingennui]

If I could send a message to the 1998 version of myself, it would be this: 

Its OK, fly ASAP 2 NYC nvr come bak

[dodgingennui]

Putting the lie in believe.

[dodgingennui]

Truth pill

It comes in different shapes, different sizes Different names Pill Younghusband, Dr. Pill Some are easier to swallow than others The simple ones--like Shakey’s heals Whiskey soothes They go down smooth, flow without much resistance EDSA like Sunday morning Some just won’t go down Without putting up a fight Can’t be taken without an empty stomach Without one Our Father and three Hail Marys It’s a bitter pill, they say But all I taste is the sourness of sincerity Did you take yours today?

[dodgingennui]

At least we dig each other. [Tres Kuleros, Mandaluyong]

[dodgingennui]

Pro tip.

Contemplate suicide at least once in your life. You will either come out a better person. Or dead.

Both are correct.

[dodgingennui]

#sadfuck

OK, the sad fact of life is not that there aren’t enough magical, inspiring people to help us through this strange life. They’re everywhere. What’s sad is that we’re too busy to look for them, too consumed with Vhong and Deniece, too hungry for attention, too horny, always too poor, too many hashtags. The world is given to those too busy to be sad, and there’s not much room for the bona fide sad ones, who have all the time in the world.