Claire Keane
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JVL

JBB: An Artblog!

if i look back, i am lost

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TVSTRANGERTHINGS
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DEAR READER

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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

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@doesnotbow-blog
filthycraftything:
It feels as if his ears have to strain to pick up his old friendās soft-spoken tone over the slight howl of the wind outside their dark, cold cave; Mnervis feels on the edge of his metaphorical seat, on his toes, fingers clenched into fists and jaw set. Apprehensively, he waits, as if fully ready to lunge at him and tear the helmet off if his request ā demand, really ā goes unheeded.
He stares at him, cold eyes as round as the moon, fingers curled so tightly he can feel his fingers start to go numb underneath his gloves. What he expected, he doesnāt even know; Sarvoniks looks no different than what he had before. Still as young as ever, still the same burns, yet⦠No blood covering his mouth and his nose and his chest.. Different than the last time he saw him. The same, but different.
His fangs press down a little harder, and he can feel the blood in his mouth from digging into his gums, but he doesnāt care.
The question, whether question or reassurance, goes unanswered. It feels as if he spoke, his voice would shake.
Mnervis flinches then, suddenly, when Sarvoniks speaks, lifting one free hand almost protectively to the cloak wrapped tightly around his neck and under the pelt at his back. Something he almost forgot about, he wears it so often it barely leaves his person.
Ā āOhā¦ā His head tilts down then, as if ashamed, staring down at the worn and tattered cloakā it feels like the equivalent of a child never growing out of their blanket.. not a keepsake of a dead friend, now that Sarvoniks is here, standing in front of him. āI didnātā¦ā
It was the only thing he could keep. The only thing he could salvage from his dead friend. He rarely ever let it goā he doesnāt even remember if he ever washed it more than once in two decades. Mnervis turns his head away, no longer wanting to look at him. Maybe he cared too much.
Ā Ā āā¦I didnāt want to let you go..ā
Ā he didnāt mean it that way, but it may have boiled down to sarcastic or condescending, unable to move on from... him. it was more out of disbelief. eliksni werenāt quite known for caring about their fallen crewmates-- they lost every breathing moment. everything wanted them extinct. the sterile awoken called them insects, often, if not enough. usually they left their fallen people behind; let them rot in the vacuum of space, on the planet, for graves were not enough. too many bodies. even worse, it was not uncommon to see another looting them for their now useless belongings ( if they even had any ). but he also knew mnervis cared about him, if not too much.
Ā āoh no, no, i didnāt...ā he couldnāt really take it back now, could he?
Ā āitās thoughtful.ā sarvoniks offered, but there was still some kind of guilt resonating. to some, it was a sign of weakness to act this way. that is why thereās such a ruthless reputation... but he didnāt follow those conventional ideals ( not anymore, in the least ). no one was around to be witness except him, though.
Ā āi just didnāt think youād...ā he swallowed thickly, palette dry. words were hard to come with comfort on his end. most, if not all the time, mnervis had such a stoic & cruel appearance around him---- so well rounded, the expectation of a killing machine. but times like this, where that facade faltered and he got to see live memories of their old self surface again, it felt oddly natural. natural & nostalgic. words werenāt cut for him in this situation.
Ā in the zen moment, sarvoniks scooted a bit closer. it didnāt matter if they protested at that point, but he gently placed his helmet against theirs, so it didnāt fall away, and wrapped arms around their chassis. they were much larger than his form. his head rested against the cold chestplate, an airy sigh stuttering.
filthycraftything:
At the moment, he could care less about the helmet. It could break, for all he cares.
With his face better exposed, he looks at Sarvoniks harder. Part of him wants to take his own helmet by each headpiece and rip it off him just so he can see his face again; he remembers it like yesterday, but seeing it with his eyes would be different. His fingers flex against his fists, even turning on his feet as if to take a step forward, though deciding against it. It would be too far.
Ā āYouād be surprised what they hire Light-Bearers to do and how many Iāve had come after me.ā Too many, though he hadnāt fought them all. Heās fled so much, heās surprised his legs havenāt fallen off. āThey donāt care Skolas is dead. They hunt anyway. Clean up the scraps.ā
Ā āWeā¦ā He mimics, voice quiet. āI donātā⦠Sarvoniksā¦ā Saying his name again sounds better than he could imagine, it fits so well on his tongue, in place of a longer word. āYouāre going to stay with me?ā He knows he shouldnāt be shocked, but he canāt help it. āIām not anything like I used to be. I barely even look the same,ā he gestures at the dulling of his skin. No longer as deep as it used to be, ābut I donāt think anything I say is going to deter you..ā
Mnervis steps forward, arms slack at his sides. āLet me see your face. I neā I want to see it again.ā
Ā āno.ā of course not. there was an almost chuckle in his voice, but barely hearable under the softspoken tone. there was some traits still redeemable about mnervis---- not that he would notice himself.
Ā there was a touch of disbelief in his own eyes, glancing up at their face. it was a rather unorthodox request, coming from them. it was a need more than a want.Ā ā... alright.ā after all, sarvoniks felt obliged to in a way, despite his own distaste without it on. hands raised up slowly, twisting the clasps and taking off the pieces.
Ā he felt more exposed, more vulnerable; but at the same time, his senses were much sharper. cold atmosphere tinged more of his face. the pieces were cradled between his secondary arms, pressed and hugged to his chest. ābetter?ā it was more of a reassurance than a question. for once, they could see the captain in a more clearer view.
Ā āwait-- is that my---?ā he hadnāt noticed it before, the way it is worn out over the years & been through terrain, blood, erosion. it almost made him drop his helmet in shock, like he wanted to feel for himself. his right hand wanted to touch the worn out features, but the arm twitched away. likewise, it was out of fear without permission.Ā āyou kept my cloak?ā
filthycraftything:
Ā Ā Ā āMaybe.ā Years, but heās only known him ā again, anyway ā for a month, at most. His tone is cold, frigid, and where once he wouldāve apologized and calmed himself, he hardly even falters, eyes as narrow as theyād been a moment ago when Sarvoniks flinches away. He swallows hard in his throat when his hands lift, as if about to be struck.
Ā āIt isnāt,ā he confirms blandly, eyes sloping shut again. āIām not. You stayed the same, but you were the one frozen in time.ā How much does Sarvoniks even remember? Does he remember the raid on Amethyst, or anything at all related to his death? Anything?
His shoulders slump, and without much care, he lets his helmet drop to the ground, the clatter echoing in his ears.
Ā Ā āFor what? For me?ā His tone is sharp and bitter, although heās sure he isnāt surprising. āI already have bounties on my head. You have no idea what Iāve done. They wonāt stop hunting me until they kill me.ā The edge to his voice tapers off then, fading into a monotonous drawl. āIām surprised they havenāt alreadyā or at least surprised they havenāt captured me and thrown me in their damn prison.ā
Ā instinctively, eyes flickered to the sound of any kind of loud noise-- in this case, the helmet. if he had the right direction, he wouldāve scolded mnervis for being careless, but neither of them needed to hear that. part of him thinks mnervis is dwelling on the past again.
Ā rarely, sarvoniks took off his helmet... he wasnāt sure the last time mnervis wouldāve ever seen him without it ( did he even recall how he looked? ). thinking about it, his maw felt some sort of uncomfortable burning where the nasty scar was. more than likely never, as far as the present goes.
Ā āi reckon they have better things to do than hunt mangy wolves; or what remains of them.ā he softly growls, thinking on the awoken. signs that his intense hate did not seem to change for them much. ātheirĀ ākellā is dead.ā
Ā āyouāre here with me. if they even manage to find a trace of us, if they ever decide the bounty is worth something to their cold, blue hands, weāll be waiting. i wouldnāt abandon and leave you for dead.ā
filthycraftything:
He hadnāt meant it in a particularly vicious sense, telling Sarvoniks he wasnāt supposed to be here, but if his friend knows him enough, he already knows that keeping his mouth shut was never something he excelled in. It was never his forte. (Sarvoniks remembers more than he does, heās sure.)
āHow do you know that?ā He snaps at him suddenly, fingers curling into fists and hands wrenching away from his friendās fingers. āYou donāt know how the technology of those thingsworks. You could be here today and gone tomorrow, as dead as youāve been for twenty years! You donāt know anything! Nobody does!ā
Mnervis draws away, shoulders hiking upwards defensively, breath shallowing in his throat. He canāt go back to what they used to have, not after grieving for two decades, not after all his time alone, every bloody mission heās been through, every potential mate heās rejected. He bites his tongue again, eyes snapping shut; part of him wants to deny it and tell him he wasnāt, he was gone that entire time, but he doesnāt.
āYouāre the same and Iām not.ā And thatās the problem. āIā¦ā
He lifts his helmet off suddenly, shifting it to his secondary set of hands, the larger pressing to his face.
āI missed you too, but I donāt know if I can give that to you anymore.ā
Ā āi've been here for years, youād think if the vex really wanted to undo skolasā meddling, that those machines would have already erased me---ā there was an audible flinch in his voice. in his eyes. the way they closed for a moment and he shifted in a way to avoid something, like a physical hit. the way mnervisā tone reeled him back when he wrenched himself away. he couldnāt quite see past all the burning hate, anger, & grief. it was hard to. sarvoniksā own hands were held in front of his face for some sort of self defense, barely ceasing even after the helm was clasped off.
Ā looking at them was like knowing but unable to decipher. he looked different... somehow, compared to a more youthful ( although plighted with war ) age. tired and angry at the same time, and he couldnāt blame mnervis. secondaries wrung on his lap as he pulled his hands away from his face.Ā āyouāre...ā how could he put it?Ā āyou-- but itās not quite the same.ā isnāt it.
Ā imagine, all those years they couldāve spent... getting promoted just like they were to be. together. seeing the war end, leaving all of it behind. leaving the wolves behind. much of which was never to be; spent alone.
Ā āitās not too late, mnervis.ā
Destiny - Fallen Skiff Dock Lock
Lock.
byĀ Frank Capezzuto III
filthycraftything:
Ā Ā āIt wasnāt fair.ā Mnervis says suddenly, feeling much smaller, a higher pitch to his tone under-laced with hatred. Those two decades suddenly feel like a century. How did he even survive this long? He had never realized how much he relied on Sarvoniks until he was goneā not entirely in a physical sense, but emotionally. Maybe thatās why he was told he was as cold as he was, as cliche as it is.
Eliksni should be used to loss, used to grieving, and yet here he is. Still grieving because in his heart, he knows Sarvoniks isnāt truly supposed to be here. He doesnāt want to get close again for fear heāll simply fizzle out of time one day, and leave him just as alone as heād been in the first place.
Ā Ā āHorrid.ā His armored fingers drag along his wrists; as composed as heād like to be, he never really was around Sarvoniks. Old habits die hard, he supposes; thereās too much he remembers that he thought heād forgotten. āWhen we were younger, we took every step together. And then I took them aloneā it felt wrong.ā He reaches up, pinching the space between his eyes as if trying to soothe a headache. āI recall my mother, when I was a child, telling me not to become too close to anybody lest I feel the exact way I did when you were gone. I could practically hear her telling me she told me so in her grave.ā
His eyes open again and narrow; he makes a short hand gesture to him. āAnd for youā it only felt like⦠A moment. Twenty years of what I went through was nothing to you. Youāre not even supposed to be here.ā
Ā āi recall.ā i recall everything. fingers curled, instinctively one of them met mnervisā aching ones, to remind him he was still here despite everything... even if he was not meant to be. a hard toll on himself, at least--- but no harder than what his friend has suffered through. telling him, though, the he didnāt belong was some sort of a cautionary backhand to the face. if he was alone for so long & wished for him back, why did he say he wasnāt meant to be here? anything was better than... nothing, so to speak. a ghost or a grave. sarvoniks was both.
Ā ābut iām not going anywhere. mnervis. i still care about you, even if this isnāt quite what any of us was expecting.ā
Ā vex technology.
Ā āi was and still am with you. every step of the way now, you hear? iām still the same one, every fiber of me that you remember. not apart of skolasā successfully revived army or a vex simulation. iām your friend.ā to confirm this, the truth, he squeezed their hand gently like he would do within past times.Ā ā... i missed you. the old you. the one i want to talk to; not what everyone else hears.ā
Ā what every other guardian fears.
dregstrengthĀ replied to yourĀ post:
eyezooms
his name is kolvaak and heās my salty loyal as shit kellās guard like, bye. watch him appear at some point on the muse page iāll be Subtly adding what oc concepts i have and let em grow.
sweats bc i forgot to mention the muse page is up. iām debating who iām adding but i did have a king kellās guard, i.e thereās that. lowkey plans to have at least 1 from every house or so.
filthycraftything:
In the moment, he suddenly feels too scrutinized for his own good; itās unnerving, but he canāt tell if heās unnerved or if heās just paranoid. Maybe once I could have, he wants to say, but itās thought against. Itās difficult telling himself that it wasnāt Sarvoniksā fault, no matter how surreal it feels now to think back on it.
He hunches over, the frown evident even through his mask via the creases under his eyes alone.
Ā āI wasnāt supposed to end up this way alone.ā Thereās a click again, sharp fangs pressing together and lips curling back. āYou werenāt supposed to die like a dreg.ā
Ā in the sense, the vandal bit their bottom lip with some discomfort ( to being told how he died wasnāt too surprising, but sarvoniks resisted the urge to simply inquireĀ how ). an old habit when he needed it, though they sometimes left the chapped skinās surface burning from the rows of teeth.
Ā āyou werenāt.ā he reiterated, painfully so. how he died was something he couldnāt understand; even if it was like picking a ghost apart & chipping away at its memory core or fragments. he only felt it secondhand.
Ā āwhile i do not praise skolas for messing with our timeline, i canāt imagine what it was... like.ā without him. alone.Ā ā---for twenty years.ā sarvoniks breathed.
filthycraftything:
Ā āCuriosity, I suppose.ā His teeth press into his tongue. No, it wasnāt his fault, but still⦠āYes, I know, I was justāā Mnervis snaps his jaw shut then, head shaking. āāRight⦠Some things never change.ā
Ā there was clean cut silence for a moment. short that it wouldnāt interrupt too much of the topic, but long enough to be another pause. he scans mnervis for any sign of continuation, before shoulders tense up. only slightly.Ā ājust what?ā beyond that some things never really did change.
Ā ā... you know you can tell me.ā
my anger is righteous. it wins me wars.
my pride is deserved. it gives me power.
filthycraftything:
To that, Mnervis scowls at him.
Ā āTwenty years was twenty years to me. I hadnāt time to notice the gradual change.ā Thereās a small, thoughtful pause before he leans backwards. āWell, not entirely.ā
Ā his face twisted into a sharp expression; a returned one, but not as intended.
Ā āthen why ask?ā he said, eyes quirking up to imitate the question.Ā āyou know itās not my fault for anything that happened, not that i can remember----- you havenāt changed in the slightest with your attitude. thatās one trait that would never āgraduallyā change.ā
when u see your buddy since 20 years heās died and heās supposed to be dead so you decide to drag him around in that cool golden age shit kids had.Ā
he hates u.
I have begun to admire the way the hunter goes in for the kill each step deliberate and honest claws sharpend to perfection this beast is built for dealing death something it does as easy as thinking the elegance of the act is as extraordinarily apparent as the violence is this how nature is supposed to play just like how this wild thing only slaughters when it needs to eat I canāt tell if this is justified this creature is not only beautiful when itās killing there is nothing that it does without some element of grace itās glorious just in the way it breathes Iām starting to find it difficult not to emulate such a being even in itās brutality but all the epics scream monster so how can the eyes of this animal simply say survivalist?
A.O.A.M. || Predator
Ā Ā Ā Ā āDo I look that old to you?ā
Ā Ā ātwenty years, mnervis. in short... yes, if you havenāt no- Ā Ā ticed.āĀ
i actually donāt have a caption for this but i h a te myself iām not making progress at all but. you feel me