Personal Blog @doilooklikeiknowwhatimdoing - Tumblr Blog

kinda just wanna be around somebody and chill

like a cat sleeping in the corner of a room but knows it's safe with you there

I'm tired, boss

Deer family outside my apartment!!!

idk what it is this weekend but the loneliness be hitting

everyday the horrors continue

and I stay silly. well, as silly as I can. it might be more like tired with a dash of whimsy. with a "fuck" thrown in a bit too often

#im just tiredddd #i need bed #and a hug #and a good cry #and like. head scratchies #i can only get half so i guess ill have to make do

I have once again been told in a blatant, non-sugar-coated way that I'm autistic by my friends.

They have psych degrees, and work in the field, and are on their way to getting a master's, and I more or less agree with them but I still don't understand *why* they think that. I'd like examples

mm yes of course *remembers I'm lonelier than I let on*

#falling into the “i wish i had someone to come home to” trap mentally #anyway some friends just moved kinda by me and they moved in together and im just like. oh yeah. i dont have that #most of my friends live with someone or have family super close #like one friend lives in her aunt and uncle's basement as it was her cousin's apartment basically #i get how some of them say they could never live alone. i like it. but sometimes I'm just like hmm. yeah #i dont know the last time i had human contact #i think it wouldve been a month ago today?

sometimes I wonder if all the "you were an accident" jokes by my parents and brothers as a kid did actually fuck me up

I tried a lot of things to be out of the way, be the good kid, not cause problems, and I remember being salty about my brothers going off to college and getting money from my parents for it. I was like "I've been saving you money by not going. where's my money??" but I also know that's very entitled of me

Idk why but I'd always be attentive to if they called dme. Hear who's was walking down the hallway, have one headphone/earbud in so if they called my name i could answer, half hear the plans for the day/week so they didn't have to tell it to me more than once

also the fact that I would always be the person walking in the grass in the friend group, that or just walking behind everyone not being a part of the conversation, last to be picked for teams, isolated from everyone else when I wanted to do something slightly different t

idk. I'm half drunk right now so maybe this is just stupid

also I don't remember my family ever really initiating hugs beyond greetings or departures. I always liked hugs but I always had to initiate with my parents, and my one brother never respected boundaries so fuck him no hugs for him

These days tho living alone is fine I just have no one physically present in my.life beyond people I work with. And that definitely doesn't count

I'm at the point sometimes where I wanna ghost people and see who actually reaches out. Ik my mom would cause she's slightly paranoid about all that and always has to text me goodnight and have me respond (she just likes to know I'm alive)

I should probably see a fucking therapist

THERE ARE BABIE FISHIES

sometimes I wonder if I really am autistic cause my university just sent out a survey for people to do and I'm like. These questions are very vague. Why would the psychology dept head write them like this. It doesn't make any sense.

Every section is the same except the header. Do I answer the questions as per the header? Or per the question itself? The question is too vague and they keep asking the same ones over and over. Reiterate the difference in questions in each question please otherwise I just think you're dumb and want to know the same answer 4 times. I'll just be very specific in my answers then. I've been in college since 2016 and university since 2020 I have a lot of academic history to parse through

My mom sends me letters sometimes in the mail and I enjoy them, but sometimes my dad writes in them too and I don't know how to feel about what he writes. It's usually all "hope you're doing well, found a church and are reading your Bible. The world is against you! I'm proud of you!"

Like. You're just gonna preach at me thru the mail? You can't say something normal?

#no i havent found a church cause idk if its real anymore #my dad's a pastor for context

fishies while I watch potc

3 of my friends have now seen me irl with my glasses and they've said nothing. I wonder when they'll catch on that unlike the blue light glasses I wore in college these are legit prescription lenses now

#i rarely just wore the blue lights around for fun tbh. i usually was working at a screen for hours and hours

...so I am got a mild glasses prescription. fun. I knew I was a little nearsighted but lately some road signs in the distance got me tweakin more than normal and I knew something was up

...that was a first. Unsure how I feel about it

#dont ask lol

There's rich, then there's "I don't cut my magic erasers in half" rich

Had the absolute wildest dream last night

1 week until I can move into my apartment and get out of this hotel!!!

#tumblr couldnt find a decent gif imagine that #this isnt even from tumblr

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